sanipriya's musings

"dum spiro spero."

2007-10-15T08:33:00.000+08:00

i love this phrase. hope keeps me alive even after all these has happened.

i'm breathing fresh air. yahoo! i need this break, this pseudo-vacation time. free from all stresses brought by acad work.

but just last night, as i was helping my friend rv with his thesis, i realized how much i missed all the brain-wrecking thinking. i had been so clogged up with our study on television news that i barely had time to think about anything else. save for our busy times with the PRSP competition, i would have burned myself to ashes if i had one semester thinking only about one topic.

i'm grateful for my other subjects, however difficult these may sometimes be. i'm aware that i would have to make the grade in these subjects, too, but mostly i take these subjects as my distractions from the heavier ones. i need the time to think about other things, too. and my brain power can get stretched a bit.

i'm so excited to go into thesis mode, simply because i'm so excited in learning about the topic (my thesis partner angel and i decided to tackle children's advertising). that's just how i am, i guess: i'm naturally curious. i write about what i learn, and i learn because i want to know. it's my motivation to get on with my academics... that deeply-situated desire to know.

yep, i know it's corny and all. but isn't that the basic idea of philosophy? the desire to know. too bad i have what can be harmful to this: ergophobia, or the fear of work.

while i breathe, i hope. this must be a new motto for me.

every new semester brings a new hope, a new freedom.

but oh yehehehessss. it's not a new semester yet! so party on!

[oh yes smack that!]

i admire him and his zealous efforts to make a change. i wish i could be like him.

2007-10-13T04:49:00.000+08:00

i've read in yahoo news that al gore has recently been named, along with the IPCC, a co-winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

gore, along with his colleagues, have put in a tremendous effort in educating people about the issues of climate change as well as how to, if not stop it, then at least decrease its effects. his documentary sure made me think and rethink the ways i have been doing things.

i admire him for all he has done. i think (at least this is my point of view) that he may be the single person who has done so much in educating people about global warming, and the ways we can all counter it.

let's face it: the world is at a crisis today. no, it's not just about the wars, the human rights violations, the economies... if we all contribute to the destruction of the world we live in today, can we be able to have that future where we can, hm... continue bickering and warring? haha. no. we are all contributing to the demise of the earth, not just with our nuclear wars and such, but with our seemingly small but highly significantly destructive lifestyles.

the ways of counteracting climate change are also at times the ways of reducing wastes and carbon emissions.

while i go for climate change, yes, supporting this campaign should not leave behind other environmental issues, such as saving our rainforests and natural habitats (which btw is a very old issue), or managing solid wastes and e-wastes.

contrary to what many environmentalists say, it can be difficult to live out these ways since these are our habits and we have been accustomed to living like this. it would take a paradigm and lifestyle change in people. we have to be educated first.

but it can be done. it is possible.

mostly, people are not aware that small things such as reducing consumption, conserving water and energy, and saving on fuel can go a very long way in helping our environment. we don't need to be superheroes: we just need a few nudges and correct our ways of living.

i highly encourage everyone to take a stand and make a change. it would do us all well, too. whatever good you do, it comes right back to you (wait, that sounds like a song). click on here for information on global warming.

oh, and by the way... recycle and dispose properly your old cell phones, cell phone batteries, and chargers! these are dangerous and toxic e-wastes that contain high amounts of lead, mercury, and cadmium, and are classified along with other electronic gadgets such as computers. when disposed with other solid wastes, the toxic chemicals could seep in the soil or in waters and contaminate them. so recycle them through disposing them properly. greenhills (in the cellphone stalls section) has large bins where you can dispose old and broken phones, chargers, and batteries. it would be best too, if you can suggest in your communities to separately collect e-wastes and dispose them in proper landfills (yes, landfills for e-wastes should be different from our average solid wastes).

"sabi nga ni rizal, ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan. pero ang mga guro ang pag-asa ng kabataan."

2007-10-13T01:43:00.000+08:00

as it is said by a teacher from balara, when we interviewed her on world teachers' day.

the plight of public school teachers amazes me to no end. it is no secret that ~~the lack of~~ the quality of education in this country reeks. but the teachers still stick it out.

their salaries are far from what one would call adequate for daily living. their sacrifices are many, yet they have not been compensated enough.

picture this scenario: an average of 60 pupils per class, all unruly, in a room that lacks desks and chairs. one would need visual aids to stimulate kids to listen, but the only resource given is a measly 300-peso chalk allowance for the year. to check the students' performance, one would have to give quizzes, exams, and homeworks. imagine checking 60 papers. or counting 60 children on a field trip. or having 60 children talking all at the same time during recess. or making 60 children understand the basics of reading, writing, and arithmetic. and having only about 4 thousand pesos as net income every month, even after 25 years of service in the profession.

it amazes me how much they sacrifice. but we only remember them when they serve during the elections. they are grilled at the decline of the quality of education, an issue brought up at the start of every school year, but are they the only ones to blame?

every year we read stories that tell of the dilapidated education system: lack of resources, lack of manpower and skills, corrupt upper officials, meager education budget... but is it just these things?

a large percentage of filipino parents count on teachers to educate their children, to give their children the dream of better lives. this teacher that we interviewed stated that education is the key to the success of this country. but where is success when education does not succeed?

it is not merely these long-standing issues that undermine the state of education today. rather, it is the neglect of priorities and the lack of value for those that matter most.

it seems to me that this government, no, this country, does not give esteem to the people behind the curtains: the teachers. we have doctors, nurses, engineers, lawyers, OFWs abroad, and they have been taught and inspired by teachers.

just compensation is what they call for, yet we deem it too much for what they do. they live in poverty and under debts, and it is shameless that their lives are such, while the people whom they have taught live in comfort.

we leave it up to them to teach the leaders of tomorrow, but if the educational system falls apart, one easy way out is to blame them for their lack of skills.

to value our teachers, the soldiers at the frontlines, is to value the hope that the children have for an education.

when i will lie on my deathbed, will i regret that i haven't dared to be a physicist?

2007-10-10T20:55:00.000+08:00

i'm nearing the crossroads on my life again, just like it once was years ago. i have regretted so many things, but i'm here, so i must have done at least one thing right to be still on my feet.

i haven't dared to be so much, and when i do, i end up making mistakes. i ended up making a very big mistake by daring to take that chance, months ago.

would i still be on my feet if i had taken physics as my major?

yes, i stink in math. well, not really as bad, but i still stink, compared to whizzes who comprehend that [borrowing from a module in english] interminable world of numbers.

i stink at so many things. yet it still inspires me to carry on.

i am nearing crossroads in my life. i wish to go back and change so much of myself.

it's only one year to go for me. i am still thinking of veering away from the career path that i have majored. my heart is calling for a change, to walk a different path (nope, it's not physics).

i would love to find out what i could have been had i done things differently. but i'm here now.

hm. so much musings. smooth jazz music does this to me: makes me ponder.

on a different note... i would love for someone to sing me that i'm the reason why... it keeps ringing in my head. amazing how songs can mold my thoughts.

my path will lead to bridges, to crossroads, and i must make a choice.

the pearl boy dating experience

2007-10-04T22:55:00.000+08:00

hoo. i'm loving this post. got it from The Man Blog. sharing this, hehe.

(the original article is here.)

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The Pearl Boy Dating Experience

Being a young 20-something in the modern working world makes you realize that it’s about time you start acting “normal”. Part of acting “normal” means abandoning your messianic mission to save emotional retards from their own self-destruction. So when a the first “normal” guy starts showing interest in you, the love-is-blind cliche suddenly holds an important truth. Despite your best friend’s warnings, you chase after him like a lovesick teenager, convinced that he has the emotional maturity and the mental capacity to handle you and understand you completely. Because he’s so normal. Apparently, “love” also makes you stupid because you just let yourself in love with a Pearl Boy!

A “pearl boy” is the most straight-arrow, conventional guy you can ever come across. They are uncomplicated creatures who enjoy manly activities like going to the gym, watching basketball (or other sports), going clubbing, taking pictures of themselves (to post in their Friendster), collecting girls (to put in their Friendster), taking pictures of themselves with lots of girls (to post in their Friendster), flirting with girls, dating girls, talking to girls, etc. You want to date a Pearl Boy because of your desire to conform to society’s image of what a girl your age ought to be like. And every girl wants to snag a Pearl Boy because they make great Trophy Boyfriends. Dating a Pearl Boy—> you are awesome—> you are conventional—> you are normal. Yeah you don’t get the logic either.

Well, looks like you lucked out this time because holy god, you met one with a brain! You actually listen to the same bands and share the same philosophical beliefs! And he can make you laugh! Sort of. It wasn’t very funny when he snickered at you for using a film camera instead of throwing away your money at a D-SLR. Come to think of it, you didn’t laugh when he called you a dork after trying to explain to him why Dungeons and Dragons is teh awesomez0rz, either. He actually made you feel a little ashamed about being a chick pseudo-geek. But that’s okay! You’re in love! And if you can make a few minor adjustments to your personality, he’ll be in love with you in no time too!

When people see you walk arm-in-arm with him in fancy places like Greenbelt and Serendra, they’d probably think that the smile on your face is the result of the serotonin rush. What they don’t know is that you’re smiling because being seen with him in public is a MAJOR ego boost. You are dating a guy who is constantly surrounded by girls that look like they should be snorting cocaine in the restroom when they’re not at fashion magazine photo shoots. To be seen with a guy like him is affirmation that you are pretty by convention. That makes you feel damn good about yourself.

You don’t know exactly what he sees in you because you know for a fact that you’re not his type. You are not a Pearl Girl, the female equivalent of the Pearl Boy. So you ask him, and he says he likes you because you’re different from the girls he usually goes for. You take that as your cue to tone down the impression management and start showing him what you’re really like when you aren’t dancing in the club. (Yes. You actually go clubbing now!) Over coffee, you try to bring up your existential crises, and he cuts you off by saying that you’re being too heavy. When depressed, you call him up thinking that he could give you some reassurance. At times like this, all you really need is someone to tell you that the world is not the sack of shit you think it is. What you get instead is a condescending lecture. He doesn’t understand why you’re so sad when everything in your life is peachy. You attempt to explain that depression is something that happens to you periodically but that it’s nothing to worry about. He tells you it’s abnormal to be sad over nothing. But it doesn’t stop there! He adds that you’re old enough to have control over your emotions, that you’re acting like a high school kid for being so negative, and that you are an insult to people with “real problems”.

Once he sees what you’re like when you’re not Miss Fun Time, he realizes that you’re not what he wants because you’re just too weird, or too emotional, too you. Despite your moments of emotional instability, however, he still insists on getting to know you more. To him, you’re a museum curiosity because he’s at least smart enough to recognize that you’re quite unusual. Unfortunately, fascination and curiosity can only take someone so far. You know that in the end, you’re never going to be enough for him. Beauty and substance is what he thinks he wants, but what he’s really after is a girl in a short skirt, impossibly tall heels, and a lollipop in between her lips. That is so not who you are.

When all is said and done, you ask yourself, what did I see in him in the first place? Why did I try so damn hard to change the very core of who I am just to make him like me? The answer is simple: pride. You’ve already spent so much money on an entire pearl girl wardrobe to wear on your dates with him. You’ve already had too many conversations where you analyzed every date because you don’t understand why he hasn’t fallen for you yet. That “I’m so in love with you” feeling you once had for him no longer exists, but you still don’t want to stop seeing him. You think that with a little more work, you’ll finally get the returns of your emotional investments (e.g. a declaration of love, roses in a vase, maybe even a compliment on how good you look tonight).

This is when your friends come in to tell you that you’re being an idiot. Why spend time with someone who makes you feel like a class A freak? Why chase after someone who is incapable of appreciating you? Why limit yourself to this one guy when there are others who are interested in you? To the last question, you reply with a, “LULZ the other guys who are interested in me must be invisible because I DUN SEE THEM!” The answers to the first two, you figured out just now.

Despite the horrible emotional roller coaster you went through, you don’t regret dating the Pearl Boy one bit. He’s not a bad person, really; both of you just think on entirely different wavelengths. Besides, you’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons from the experience, the most important one being: if you’re trying waaay too hard, don’t bother.

Screw being normal. You’re happy just the way you are. And my God, you’re way too awesome to deserve any less than a guy who will worship you for being your fun, crazy self, with occasional moments of existential angst.

-----

[and mariel says: hahahaha. yeah. screw being normal. and pearl boys.]

"sanctum satanum meum, abyssus dies"

2007-10-02T08:45:00.000+08:00

hm, not really. i've experienced hell days far worse than these.

after going through super juan 65, i firmly believe i can go through anything now. haha.

i'm currently on shut down mode. my laptop and PC is continually switched on for days and nights, and they're getting sick. my laptop turned itself off just now, and i'm banging my head on the desk because i lost some of those files. oh my sanctum satanum.

i've been driven out of my wits the past week. and chain smoking is not healthy, by the way. i'm cutting down on everything from now on.

my groupmate jesca told us a common situation that i think many comm res students can relate to, "grabe na ngayon, nag-aalarm ako para matulog, hindi para magising."

it's you again

2007-10-01T01:48:00.000+08:00

kinikilig ako.

and he's so not right for me.

isn't he?

we're so alright as friends, and most of the time i think that's just what we should be. but right now, i'm feeling something different. maybe a reawakening, perhaps something bigger this time?

but every time i feel something for him, i try to make it die out, since i treasure our friendship so much. yes, there is still such a thing as falling for a friend, and keeping it that way: a friendship.

i remember feeling this way for him before i fell for another. i didn't do anything about it. i let it die out. did it, really, just die out? or did i just hide it, and to come out at a time i least expect?

i remember talking about this before. a blog post dated may 25 of this year. i let those feelings die out. i didn't want to ruin us. i was afraid. i was so scared. i walked away, because i knew that if i had stayed on, something could have, um, happened.

he's so weird. so nice, too. we both click, and sometimes i hate it, because i can see another person who shares the same philosophies with me.

we click. i told him that. but sometimes, too, we don't. we don't jive in the same waves that we're on the extreme ends.

but i know he admires me, in a way. not to brag or anything, but my instincts tell me that he did feel something for me, but it was at a wrong time. he felt something, that much i knew, from how he acted towards me at that time.

damn. the very things that attract me to him are also the very things that repel me. can i just say ewness again?

i can't imagine the both of us together. we're like two childhood playmates, and nothing serious can come out of that.

sometimes i wish i could see something deeper in the both of us. but most of the time i wish i wouldn't. i wish i wouldn't, because by then i wouldn't have any reason to hope for the both of us to be together.

we've been friends for like a thousand years. to think how long we've known each other is like going jurassic--it's too far back. and that's what we remained: friends. we've been through each other's hopeless lovelives, hateful hell weeks, and insignificant problems. but most of the time, i think that i don't want to lose him to some petty girlish crush, because maybe best friends is just what we were meant to be.

and maybe i'm just going through this for the comfort of having him around, since i can get depressed on some days. soon i would have to wake up again.

i wish i didn't feel this. gawd, i thought this was just a high school crush. please make this just another high school crush. we make a good twosome, but not a couple. and i don't want to find out for myself if we can be what people think we can be. not now.

[and yet i'm excited at the thought that we'd hang out again this week, since we haven't seen each other in a while. wonder what part of hell that will take us? chaka talaga.

--

i love you for many things that you are, and i also hate those many things that make you you. sometimes i can't stand you. but sometimes i seek your presence in my life, because you bring me comfort at the times i need them most. but most of the time you just bring me good laughs and good memories. i hope they remain as that: good memories. i don't want to ruin us.

if i pull myself away from you again, like i did before, it's for the best. we're getting too close again, and one of us has to walk away. for now, at least.

maybe i do love you. but you're all wrong for me, just as i am all wrong for you.

and maybe while you're reading this, you're wondering, why only now.

it just feels so good

2007-09-14T03:58:00.000+08:00

birthday gifts got a whole lot better.

i felt blessed as i celebrated the coming of another year. so many things that happen, so many friends who care, plus plus my family who supports me all the way. i feel content knowing i have what i have. we won, and though it wasn't the top prize, our efforts were recognized. it is still a reason to celebrate.

God just never fails to amaze me.

congratulations, Luntiang Yaman team. Alamin, Gawin, Pagyamanin!

[one day i should post the best gifts i received on my all birthdays.]

no one dies a virgin?

2007-09-03T10:43:00.000+08:00

a quote from nirvana's frontman kurt cobain is recently circling in text messages, shoutouts, and status messages (of which i'm surprised since he's been dead for more than a decade).

it goes: "no one dies a virgin. life fucks us all."

haha. although it provides much insight into our lives, i like to think differently.

i won't die a virgin, and neither will life. i fuck life. hahaha.

i want to think i'm in control of life, i'm on top of my life. another double meaning: i'm on top! haha. (anyway, what's the point of being the bottom? not much excitement. double meaning na naman haha.) i screw my own life, and if i get fucked up doing it... at least i got what i wanted.

life won't screw me.

lock me up with life in a cramped dark room and i'll make the most out of our time together. and i'll make sure life enjoys the ride too.

life won't get out a virgin after i'm done. that's what i'm sure of.

PRSP Grand Prix Finalist!

2007-08-28T10:00:00.000+08:00

i'm so excited! finals on sept. 9!

i'm happy that we made it this far, that our hard work paid off. it's enough for me to get to the finals, it's already a big deal for me, to be able to present our campaign in front of those judges and the other schools on sept. 9.

and it's sooo near my birthday. haha. what a nice birthday gift... finals! woohoo.

but that would mean sept 8 (my birthday) is prep time for 9, and i won't have enough time to celebrate since quantitative paper deadline is on sept 10.

i wish i can breath now. if only i can. everything's happening so fast.

i'm feeling better everyday, and getting less depressed (but frustrations still mount up sometimes).

my friend norries gave me the best piece of advice i've heard in a very long time: i have to learn forgiveness. forgive others who have hurt me, forgive myself for my shortcomings. there's no use in getting angry at so many people (including me) and at so many things.

i get depressed mostly because i let my frustrations get the best of me. i let my anger reside in my heart that peace can't settle in. that's my problem. i had to forgive, and to forget, past hurts.

he told me to ask the Lord to learn forgiveness. i had always asked for peace and for healing, but while i get less numb every day, i still need peace within. i had to put in action what i am asking for.

everyday i feel more and more blessed. so many times i have counted what i lost that i didn't count what i already have and will still get in the future. i am blessed, and what i don't have won't make me less of a person.

i may be less blessed or more blessed than other people, but that doesn't really matter. so many people care for me that it fills me up with happiness. i have so much to give and to share with people, that it doesn't matter how much i lost in the process. i have much more to gain than what i have lost anyway. and it's always good to be reminded that i have Someone who ultimately cares for me and loves me unconditionally, not matter how many mistakes i made.

it feels so good to be happy, simply because i'm living this life. i may be tired and weary of doing what i must do, but it's always for a purpose.

soldiers are always readied before battles. battles are won before wars. and wars need the best generals. i have the best General there is.

education whatevers: my 101st post

2007-08-25T18:26:00.000+08:00

it's my 101st post! yay! looking back, i didn't think i'd be able to fill up this blog, but i have. oh yeah. haha.

hmm. i feel the need to be academic today. i'm posting a report i did on mclaren. i've been inspired by what he said, so i'd like to put it here. i'm not sure if it will make sense to everyone else, but what the heck anyway. hehehe.

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Peter McLaren, voice of critical pedagogy and the multicultural struggle for social transformation

Pedagogy – the process by which teachers and students negotiate and produce meaning, and how we represent ourselves, others, and the communities in which we choose to live. (1995: 34)

Critical pedagogy – underscores the partisan nature of learning and struggle; it provides a starting point for linking knowledge to power and a commitment to developing forms of community life that take seriously the struggle for democracy and social justice. (1995:34)

The ultimate goal of critical pedagogy is self empowerment and social transformation, such that it is voiced by the Hebrew symbol tikkun, meaning “to heal, repair, and transform the world, and all the rest is commentary.” (McLaren, 2003: 186).

But the culture we live in today is a predatory culture: a culture that esteems violence and the proliferation of violent acts (McLaren, 1995). According to McLaren, predatory culture “is a field of invisibility—of stalkers and victims—precisely because it is so obvious. Its obviousness immunizes its victims against a full disclosure of its menacing capabilities” (p. 2). Our identities are formed through capitalism and commodification, and often these identities are multiplied through mass media and new technologies. Life is fun in a predatory culture, and everything is based on image-value. Just look at our star-struck nation as an example.

Violence is commodified in a predatory culture (Leistyna, 1995). Violent acts are pitched and sold for the spectacle of entertainment (as illustrated by examples in sensationalism in television news, box-office films, and entertainment shows). But the most dangerous attribute of a predatory culture is when we are unaware of its dominance.

It “keeps youth stupid” (McLaren, 1995) and schooling takes part in this process, such that by not arming and empowering children with weapons they need in the struggle against hegemony of the supremacist culture, it legitimizes the culture.

The good news is that there is resistance, no matter how small, to this culture. What keeps these factions of resistance from succeeding, however, is that it is divided into identities, into what was then known as multi-ethnicity. Social transformation needs these different identities to unite in a struggle through multi-culturalism (McLaren, 1997).

Multiculturalism is not simply a class struggle: that it is a struggle of women, of the poor, of the marginalized ethnic groups. Nor is multiculturalism simply an appreciation of ethnic art, culture, language and history. It is a global struggle against white supremacy.

Appreciation of the attributes and products of a cultural group is not multiculturalism, but in fact, it is another form of hegemony, such that when the dominant “appreciates” subordinate cultures, it emphasizes that the subordinate is marginal.

For different cultures, McLaren points this out: "Can we use new ways of organizing subjectivity to create a self-reflexive social agent capable of dismantling capitalist exploitation and domination?" (1997:95). Negotiations must be made in the differences in class, race, age, gender. While different cultures have different subjectivities, this must not be a hindrance to the struggle; rather, it must be the thread that weaves the various cultures together.

Unless there is still a predatory culture that “keeps youth stupid”, critical pedagogy has still not fulfilled its purpose of emancipation.

A problem is faced in the goal of emancipation, that the current curriculum is selective in its empowerment of the people: it is biased towards the privileged. This must be changed by educators, but many are unwilling to do so, not so much in fear of opposing the dominant, but because they simply want to be neutral (Pruyn, 1999).

By schools and educators taking a neutral ground, they maintain the silence of the struggle. McLaren emphasizes the need to speak out, because there is no truly “neutral” stand. What neutrality does is only to maintain the predatory culture. Educators must take a stand in the struggle in providing an education that can transform the student’s self and the society.

The raison d’etre of critical pedagogy and schooling is best summarized thus: “liberation lived within solidarity where victims can overcome their oppression and where schooling is immersed in an emancipatory praxis where ‘the individual and personal is always situated in relation to the collective and communal’” (McLaren, 1995: 23; Soto, 1999).

McLaren gives so much weight on the role of the educator: such that the educator must be a channel of emancipation not just within the student, but of the larger culture and political society. So much is the demand from the educator that the educator is called to transform the schools into democratic spheres.

McLaren has this to say for educators:

“We need to teach dangerously, but to live with optimism. We need to be outrageous, but to temper our outrage with love and compassion. We need to be warriors for social justice, yes, but warriors whose ethical bearings and praxis are informed by the best that critical thought has to offer. Although the term “critical pedagogy” has admittedly become too vague, there are still crucial issues to be engaged in its vicinity. We need to remember that our students are not bodiless wraiths to be blown about the corridors by pedagogical rhetoric and sophistry; rather, students are complex historical agents and they need to be able to read the multiple texts of their own lives. That is, they need to read the languages and discourses in which they find themselves in order to reinvent themselves. Consequently, critical pedagogy must not become a “privileged space” for academics but must be forged amidst the daily struggle of the oppressed themselves.” (McLaren, 2003: 296).

References

Fischman, G. (1999). Peter McLaren: A call for multicultural revolution. Retrieved August 14, 2007 from http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3935/is_199907/ai_n8876168/pg_1

Leistyna, P. (1995). Abstract: Critical Pedagogy and Predatory Culture: Oppositional Politics in a Postmodern Era. Harvard Educational Review. Retrieved on August 14, 2007 from http://www.hepg.org/her/abstract/317

McLaren, P. (2003). Life in Schools: An introduction to Critical Pedagogy in the Foundations of Education. USA: Pearson Education Inc.

McLaren, P. (1997). Revolutionary multiculturalism. Boulder, CO: Westview Press.

McLaren, P. (1995). Critical Pedagogy and Predatory Culture: Oppositional Politics in a Postmodern Era. London: Routledge.

Pruyn, M. (1999). Revolutionarily Speaking: A Multiculturalism for Social Justice. Retrieved on August 14, 2007 from http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3935/is_199907/ai_n8876168/pg_13

Soto, L. D. (1999). Dissent, Identity, and Critical Pedagogy. Retrieved on August 14, 2007 from http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3935/is_199907/ai_n8876168/pg_8

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i'm so relieved i'm finally finished with this report. it's one hurdle away from the end of the semester. but on one note, i found a piece about education in this postmodern era that i really liked when i read mclaren, so much i'm quoting it word-for-word:

"Yet many schools of education today offer little more than lukewarm courses on popular culture, watered-down versions of critical theory, or "lite" versions of modern theory as the calculable basis for pedagogical transgression. In my mind, the more conservative version of postmodern theory provide the gastric juices necessaryto make the world of capitalism exploitation easier to digest and to reduce dissent mainly to matters of style and taste. By wrapping transgression in the hot salsa of avant-gardism, postmodern theory challenges capitalist cultural formations through the dizzying experience of decentering representations that are presented to be ontologically secure, or by finding refuge in weird intersections of meaning or unexpected detours of syntax, or in the radical dislocation of sign systems. There is certainly nothing wrong with these challenges in themselves; but they offer little from which to mount the kind of struggle necessary to an end the rule of capital." [i forgot which page i got this, but it's from Life in Schools, 4th edition]

what we need is not watered-down education, but we should be offered true critical theory, one that brings about social transformation complemented by a revolutionary change in social structures. the attributes of postmodernity adds wood to the fire of capitalism and hoses down the struggle, because identities are finely situated in the postmodern thought.

i cannot be certain about many things in postmodern thought (as i am not postmodernist), but marxists surely will have difficulty continuing the struggle and the education of the people while we are in a postmodern era.

localizing this, it would be quite difficult for philippine educators to apply a critical pedagogy in schools, and especially create emancipation, because as it is, we revel in postmodern thought and a predatory culture, and identity politics divide us like we are divided into thousands of islands during high tide. i don't know if negotiations of otherness is possible in this country, because ours is not really a struggle of us against the "imperialists" or the "capitalists", rather, it's a struggle of us against you, of "we" being divided into more "we's".

[one day i'd like to take on the TOFI issue, but for fear i'd be ostracized for my opinions, i'm going to do heavy research first, if only to create a sound argument that could persuade even non-believers. haha.]

"Je vis de bonne soupe, et non de beau langage."

2007-08-24T06:40:00.000+08:00

jean moliere said thus, that it is good food, not fine words, that keeps him alive.

i have read a quite a few fine words that have made me think and want life just so to walk on that quest for life-changing wisdom (well, not really life-changing, but still...).

it's not so much the material needs and wants that make me go on this life day by day, but it's simply the pleasure of knowing more and experiencing more than what i did the day before. it's not the carnal pleasures (although they help) that make me want to survive another grueling hour in this research-filled life, but the wisdom attained as i go on treading another thorny rose-bush path.

i love the fine words; they are the treasures of a seemingly poverty-stricken youth. i have so much to see and to know that it overwhelms me, somehow, to think that there is more to be known than what i already know: that the billions of people know something i don't. phenomenologically speaking, that is, their experience of the world cannot compare to mine.

the people's fine treasure chest of words. this is my drive. to fill the need of knowing what and how they know and sense what is to me the incomprehensible.

the good food may be my fuel for waking up each day and surviving every step, but it is the fine words that keep me wanting to move and work: it is the engine.

i don't wonder anymore why i'm still in research, haggard though as it is. what i wonder, really, is how i can still be alive, since i haven't really eaten since yesterday because i can't pull myself away from reading, writing, analyzing...

good morning manila!

2007-08-18T12:21:00.000+08:00

rainy fridays and saturdays make me feel gloomy, but somehow, there's something about today and yesterday that made me feel, um, well, joyous. does that sound unreal?

lately i've been LSS-ing on this one song that keeps me happy, especially in the mornings. it goes: "oh oh oh, woke up today, feeling the way i always do. oh oh oh hungry for something that i can't eat, then i hear that beat. that rhythm of town starts calling me down. it's like a message from high above. oh oh oh pulling me out to the smiles and the streets that i love."

it's just so cheery and positive. yes, it may go on saying "good morning baltimore" throughout the whole song, but it makes me feel like i should greet "good morning manila" to this forlorn city.

i like this song. it makes my mornings feel wonderfully blessed. haha. btw, it's entitled "good morning baltimore" (like i haven't said that already) and it's from the broadway musical hairspray (which they made into a movie and it's showing next week).

i wish so many songs are like this. another song i like? manila by hotdogs (am i right? hotdogs?). gives me the feeling of loving the good ole metro, even with its faults, creases, pollution, crimes haha.

*sigh.

i wish everyday is as joyous as this morning. come to think of it, i'm humming the song even while i do this tedious content coding of a television news program.

i was humming yesterday morning and grinning so widely that manang men asked me if i was in love. ha. not really. it just simply is, hm, wonderful. i wish all mornings are like this: simple, happy, and blessed. and i hope everyone gets that kind of feeling in the morning too, no matter how gloomy the weather is.

*starts humming again...

oratio imperata. oh rain, rain!

2007-08-15T12:10:00.001+08:00

i was devirginized today.

haha. not in the way many think.

na-rape si mariel ng baha.

it's my first time wading through floodwaters that was up to my waist, my first time riding a truck through floodwaters up to my chest. perstaym ni mariel umangkas sa likod ng trak kasabay ng mga kalalakihan at tumawid sa karagatang baha.

as what my brother mark said, it's free fare. libreng sakay, hindi na mamamasahe. kids have a really different way of looking at things. yep, i saved on both our fares. we didn't have to ride a jeepney.

but we had to wade through icky waters. mahirap pala iyon, lumakad sa baha, dahil malakas ang agos ng tubig. kaya ang lakad namin, sa likod ng mga sasakyan para nahahawi ang tubig. may paraan pala para maglakad sa baha: wag kalabanin ang agos ng tubig.

sabi ko kay mark, kung hindi ko siya talaga mahal, hindi ko siya susunduin sa school. note to self: tell my parents to move my brother to a school where it doesn't flood.

i really need to go to UP. but unless floodwaters go down, i can't. i really have to get my butt to UP. but even if i get there, classes are suspended. grabe naman. i don't know what to do. haha.

but even then, i'm thankful for the rain. it has to rain, save us from drought. hoo.

regulating my self-efficacy

2007-08-15T02:55:00.000+08:00

i want to quit. i want to quit school, studying, doing all that junk that they call work. it makes me feel less the me that i want to be: my expectations from myself and the standards i set for me.

yet, it's not that. i'm in a system that would invariably spell out failure for my future when i flunk out of the role i'm given. it's not so much the hatred, the ergophobia, but the depression and the frustrations of wanting to do so much yet only doing what i can within my limits.

this system has set its standards way above what i can reach. should i follow these standards? or should i set my own?

i remember a quote taught in my socio class one day:

"a grade can only be regarded only as an inadequate report of an inaccurate judgment by a biased and variable judge of the extent to which a student has attained an undefined level of mastery of an unknown proportion of an indefinite amount of material."

so much for my wanting to attain standards set by this system, this school, and these professors.

in the end, it's still how i achieved my expectations and goals that matter. yes, expectations are high in this competitive system, but my success is only measurable with how i competed with my best self: if i had been better than the last.

acads: in sickness and in health

2007-08-09T19:29:00.000+08:00

i'd like to live one day without ever thinking of schoolwork. i've been missing my weekends. i wish i had weekends again.

i got sick the past week. the flu. at least that kept me in bed for a while, but not for long. so many things to accomplish. work floods in up to my neck. i need to devise a way to swim through these floods, or at least paddle my way through to a perch where i can rest.

it's so overwhelming, this academic life. just when i thought i have made it through a hell, there comes another semester. kind of reminds me of dante's inferno, that as he treads through hell, he gets deeper into the pit of the rings of inferno, with the punishments much worse than the last. well, it's a little consoling that dante reached heaven, but only after he tread the worst ring in hell.

it gets more difficult each month, but at least i have friends in our block who more or less know how it feels. may karamay sa pagsubok.

i keep telling my mother that i'm quitting, i'm quitting. but she won't let me. even john told me that he'll get mad at me if i quit now, after all that i've done.

hoo. i'm still waddling and paddling through waves.

on another note, when i got down from the jeepney this evening i almost kissed the ground in gratitude that i was still alive. i really loathe those kaskaserong drivers who think they're kings of the road, who race through traffic, through small spaces between vehicles, through potholes and mmda, as if time is at their heels. someone should give those drivers a knock on the noggin.

plus plus. it's 30 days to go before my birthday. yay! i wish my dad would stay for my birthday (i begged him to and i hope he'd delay his departure). i'm hoping that our paper would come out in the finals, and sept 9 would mark the grand prix. so that means, bawal ang inuman sa 8, that is, if our paper gets to the top 5. i hope so. that would be a grand birthday gift.

speaking of birthdays, it was joanne's birthday yesterday. i got her a kiss, which she didn't want to accept. so it went to mark our youngest, who hated the smooch although he enjoyed the attention.

i need to talk to someone! it's maddening not being able to pour out everything. waaah.

people keep telling me that i'm really getting thinner and i must eat to gain my weight back. yep, aside from my getting sick the past week, i [unintentionally] forget about meals whenever i'm busy. i sit in front of the computer and stay there until i finish my work, so to get me to eat, meals should be served in the library. haha.

i wish i could be as happy as ever, just like i used to be. i used to go on carefree, day by day, that even on my busiest days i was happy and blissful. i remember val told me once in elbi how weird i was because i was always smiling at people. i need myself back.

i'm sooper dooper excited for sunday to come. dad's coming home from germany (but he'll leave again for malta and then for india). i miss dad. i miss talking an earful to dad. haha.

ta-ta. blogged just to show i still exist.

bereavement

2007-08-01T12:37:00.000+08:00

i'm already dead. grieving moments like these call for some sort of condolences.

i can't say why i'm dead. just that i am.

too many terrible things to happen in just a single year. can't it stop? no wonder i don't have peace.

i don't know what to do anymore. call me insane, but it just keeps on rolling, like a snowball down the mountain.

but what do i have to do? keep on going 'til it kills me? ultimately that'll mean killing myself. no, life killed me.

what a way to carve on my headstone: Mariel, died at age twenty. Life killed her. Bless her soul.

[edit]

p.s. this reminds me of a thought we students had some time ago.

what does war and UP life have in common?

both can kill you. if you survive it, you can survive anything.

p.p.s. and again i'm reminded of a text message sent to me by bevs.

it's not nosebleed in UP.

it's bloodshed.

[/edit]

what happens when sex is the center of my acad life

2007-07-28T11:24:00.000+08:00

i'm on the verge of a breakthrough in medicine. wahahaha.

i'm embarking on a new direction of a current study, and navigating through known theories. i'm still setting landmarks, but now i can say it can be done.

i wish it was direction for this life, but then it would too much to ask. i am currently at the tipping point, but still not haggardly so.

i feel elated in some way, now that at least i've found a direction for this damned research. a systems approach. can't it get more mathematical than this? applying this has not been more exciting than i thought it would. damn. i'm finding this exciting. i need a new hobby, fast.

yes, i'm in lust for knowledge. the sensual feeling of each new discovery. the heat of each new step until the end, of wanting more than what can be given. the passion of kissing theories with theories, methods with methods. the pleasurable touch into the supposed reality, the feeling of wanting and needing the warm embrace of the each new learning. the wanton goodness of information flow into the midsection of study. the orgasmic climax of reaching the results, of interpreting what has been learned.

and at four in the morning the hangover is still passionate.

ohmigod i'm research-horny.

i really need a new hobby, a new distraction. i may have enveloped myself into this work that i may not pull away from it. i do not want this to be my only life-long raison detre, as i know there are more humanly possible ways of fulfilling my purpose. a carnal desire for knowledge and research may not be healthy in the long term, unless i'm in it for the dough.

my goodness, what heat. i need to break free from this. it's just a job. (and what kind of job, mariel?)

it may be my reaction to failed relationships and bad breakups, so they say. but still. wouldn't it be more fulfilling if i direct all this physical energy to a real-live human?

haha. at least i know in this kind of relationship, i'm in charge, i'm accepted for who i am, i can be healthily carnivorous, i set the rules. hopefully i can also reap the benefits, which i am not quite sure what. but, cybernetically, this is a negentropy. i need the feedback information (mayghad i'm still on systems terms).

i'm trapped in a sexually academic relationship i can't get out of until i graduate. the pleasure keeps me wanting, but drains me of every energy i need to fulfill other duties. hopefully it churns out something better in me.

[edit]

metaphorically speaking, i may be an ergomaniac, if such term exists. an ergophile who rapes work and enjoys its every scream for more. a green devil out to hunt victims in dark corridors.

metaphors.

[/edit]

taking the path of faith

2007-07-25T07:23:00.000+08:00

unlimited was a success. well, at least on my terms it was. just don't make me sing the national anthem ever again on stage in front of that many people. yes, i sing, but in the shower and in the confines of my room. i don't want to be trapped that way again.

whew. it could have been better, i know. but i did my best, and so did the people who took part in this. kudos to my committee members and to my orgmates.

i live a boring life, that much i realized when i talked to ares the other day. he told me to make kwento, and i realized i couldn't say anything that wasn't boring. haha. even the corny jokes i used to have are bland (yes, corny jokes are bland to begin with, but they make me laugh anyway. mababaw lang naman ako).

hm. this means i need a new hobby. or a new good book to read. not HP, not yet please. i need a good book by my bedside. or i could go back to sewing and stitching again.

we're about to do our learning projects for psych, and now is the time for me to reflect upon the kind of behavior i would like to change in me, the kind of habits i would like to break or create. i'm still thinking as to what i should do, but i have a couple of habits i know i'd like to break. and it's going to be hard, i'm sure. there will be those extinction bursts and spontaneous recoveries, but then, i'd like to get out of those habits.

hm. seems like every time i get out of my socio class i feel elated. i'm not sure why. it feels more and more like i could use the enlightenment from those discussions. i love the discussions, and i come to class not for the attendance, but for the simple feeling of learning something new. i hope most of my classes are like that...

i'm tired and weary... so many things are happening, so fast, and i need the time to breath. but it seems like everything is like a breeze for me. ever since i started going to church just to take a breather (i've been hearing mass and visiting the adoration chapel lately), i feel less sashayed. i feel less shanghaied by schoolwork. i feel that i could breath again.

it used to be that i took a smoke just for me to relax, but that didn't help me any. so i decided that maybe i needed something different. so i went to church, because i needed something new and i needed to listen to someone.

this isn't a testimonial for anybody. but it works for me. i don't know if it works for anybody else. it used to be that i got so guilty taking the time off to sleep or rest or watch tv when i'm tired. but now, i take about one hour and thirty minutes just in church, and i don't feel any guilt for taking precious time. this may be my catharsis, my healing, and i'm quite surprised that i took this road only now.

i've been so long seeking for a way to get the steam out of my system, and it only takes me sitting there, not doing anything at all. sometimes i don't even pray. i just sit, let it all come. and it helps me so much i couldn't understand it.

yes, faith has a way of getting to you.

was it st. francis who said it? take fifteen minutes of prayer time each day. but what if you are busy, he was asked. then you must pray more, thirty minutes each day.

i believe i haven't prayed more than the past couple of weeks. i must be so busy and so weary that i need the Lord.

p.s. i realized that meeting a certain person at this stage in my life, though it had hurt, was the gate to my healing. i had met the persons i sought, i had found what i needed to do, all because i met this person. i am now sure what it meant for me to meet him, and it was because he opened to me the paths i needed to take. he doesn't know it, though. but thanks. meeting him has been quite a blow to my head, i needed that. crossing each others' lives is one fortunate thing for me, and i'm grateful.

high tolerance to stress?

2007-07-21T00:29:00.000+08:00

later we'll be holding our first event in the committee. hm. my first event as committee head. i wish i wasn't as jittery as i am now. i hope the event will be successful and well-attended.

i didn't think being external affairs head was this hectic. still, i'm happy. i'm 3 pounds lighter than last week (and last week i was four pounds lighter than the summer), so stress must be a good weight-loss system.

people are surprised i still have a positive outlook, given the situations i am in. as what mother told me, i should think positively about things and take them one day at a time. so i guess i should worry about what i should do and what would happen only for things on that day. i can only get myself through the day i am in, and if i can, then i'm thankful. before i go to sleep, i thank God i got through one day. the next morning, i ask for strength to get through another day.

i tried to wire myself as to what mother said. she's sensible in saying that, and i'm feeling less stressful about things than i do in the past.

i'll just get through this event, pray it will be as successful as we can make it to be. then i'll think about the proposal (mayghad research paper again) after i have rested well (or at least, rested kahit onti). there's also that exam in psych, the presentation we have to make for message design.

i'm quite excited about the event later. it's my first, so talk about my binyag as officer of commressoc. i'm also excited about the prsp paper that we'll be writing. i hope it'll get into the finals. i'm happy enough just to get this paper into the top five in the competition.

and the major subject. so many people are waiting for the results of this study even if it's still in the conceptualizing and operationalizing stage. hay. i hope people won't get disappointed.

i don't want to think about these things as yet. i'm trying to get my frame of mind into preparing for this morning's event. so i'm praying for the best, and hoping that nothing goes wrong. if anything does go wrong, i wish this would be minimal.

i miss making kwento to one person at the end of the day. that i'm looking forward to going home because i can relay the good things that happened to me and share the feeling of having good news with someone special. it's like having a confidante, a best friend, a significant other. i miss that mostly.

barenaked

2007-07-16T08:41:00.000+08:00

yes. those dreams walking naked in the streets, in the halls. i feel that way. yet i'm awake, i'm not dreaming.

It's all a state of mind
but I don't mind trying to find a way
to keep my head above the mess I make
what the world creates
sometimes it feels so good to let it all fall
as the world fall
I may fall
we all may fall
and then the world comes tumbling
down down down down down

j.love said it perfectly. but here's where we're different: I CAN TAKE IT.

i'm still a surviving soldier. i'm jaded, but i'm free. i'm hurting, but i'm alive. pain always reminds me that i can still feel because i am alive, still breathing.

i may fall, but i won't tumble down. i pray for strength to endure a single day. when i can, i know i can get through another day.

---

[edit]

seems like whenever i'm so busy i tend to write more often. my way of coping, i guess, with the stress that comes. i feel like i should be the energizer bunny, going on and on for days without stopping. i need that kind of energy, especially now.

i feel floaty, as if my body is wandering away from physical reality. caffeine effect, perhaps? this saturday would be the event we're organizing. i'm getting stressed at the thought that it would be this weekend! saturday is also myk's birthday, but i'm not sure i could attend, because aside from my excuse of needing good sleep, there may be a lecture i'm scheduled to give on sunday.

hay. i badly need rest. but not now, i would have to finish a few more things. scratch that. i'm getting a few winks, wake up in 30-ish minutes.

[/edit]

mothers should be philosophers and leaders of the world

2007-07-15T01:10:00.000+08:00

i talked to my mother, and i feel okay now. i don't know why mothers have a way of clearing up perspectives for their children.

had philosophers been mothers, we'd have so much love in this world. we'd have so much less to think about, and more time to love ourselves and one another. are mothers existentialists?

i feel so much better talking to her. i know that her reassurances are true, and she knows me better than even i know myself.

i'll take this day by day, little by little. i know i can make it if i just take it bit by bit. cakes aren't supposed to be swallowed whole.

there will be hurts, but i know i can take them. take them with composure and poise, as my friend nic would say. i know i can heal.

i need to forgive myself, love myself, and try to walk on the right path, step by step, carefully minding that i do not stumble upon rocks. but if i do, there is nothing else to do but stand up again, scrape off the dirt, and continue on.

i love my mother. better than that, i love myself. thanks mom.

---
p.s. i went on a movie date with my sister joanne. been so long since i went out with her, and i'm wondering how in the world that now we don't have anything in common when we grew up together. we shared everything... schools, barkadas, things, sometimes clothes and shoes. when we were little kids people asked my mom if we're twins. i share a room with her, and sometimes i think it's the only thing i share with her. if i must start life over, i must try to connect again with my sister fwee fwee (i call her that sometimes).

it's happening again, and i'm not prepared

2007-07-14T07:30:00.000+08:00

it hurts now that it's happening again, and i'm not sure if i can take it.

this time, i wasn't prepared. i wasn't ready to take on the ride. i'm not sure if i can take the hell out of me this time, because it's too much now. i don't know. i may be wrong, but i think i can go on a breakdown.

just last evening i fell to the floor, stupid me, because i couldn't stand on my two feet anymore. i can't stand. i lacked the energy. i can't stand, physically, emotionally, spiritually. i lost it.

i'm too overwhelmed at this time. i don't even know if this is my road to healing. this may even be my own trod to inferno, my barefoot walk down the avenue of my own broken fate.

yet, part of me still gleams at the sight of hope, that may be this is not the end of it all. that i would still find the light at the end of the tunnel, that my journey would lead to some place and someone and it will be my last. i hope that this would be my last. yes, i hope.

part of me wants to embrace all this suffering and make it heal, just as i tried to do before. i want to hold it in my arms, crush it with all the love i could muster, just so it would die away and never come back. i am ready to sacrifice, since it is all i have to offer. i had been always ready to sacrifice, if it must be the way to create a pure love for this life.

this is how i feel now. i know i'm not superwoman to try, but i want to. i don't know if it is enough. i don't even care. i jumped, and now i'm here. i wasn't ready, but i try to be.

it's not the time, mariel, now is not the time. but i fear that through it all i would not have anything more to hold onto, that what he has, who he is, and what he feels would fade away into something surreal.

i love with my heart, and not with my head. i thought this was the best way to do it. i could be wrong, but what else am i sure of? uncertainties lie in my future, that i know there will always be some things i could not control.

yet, last evening, the priest's sermon was to let God be in control, to have faith, to let Him work within. that there are things i could not and would never understand, but ultimately He knows what's best, and i must put my trust in Him.

i prayed, so much more than i had in the past months, because it is the only way to cope. i tried other things, and they failed. i pray, and i pray for the pain to end, for the Lord has already taken up the cross for me. i prayed for myself, and i offered what little i had left of me. i offered everything, my life, my hopes, my love for him, and i offered him, even if i knew i don't own him.

i pray that i be filled with a new spirit, undaunting of what may come.

can i take it, all this suffering, all at one moment? i try to think that i had been prepared for this, since i went through even more difficult times. i had been readied, like a soldier in training, ready to march into the battleground. yet, bullets are still bullets and wounds still bleed.

i don't know what else to do, so i write. i write and i will purge myself of all the things i cannot understand. tragedy does this to you. purges you of pity and of fear. purges you of grief, that it is only the tragedy that feels, but not the self.

i live day by day uncertain of the moments to come. i hurt as i walk, because my feet are blistered in the long tiring tread. but i still live, and i still love, because these are the only things i know i can do. i breathe, i love, i hope, and i walk.

i think too much. i hope too much.

but my biggest weakness and my greatest strength is that i love too much, too dearly, too strongly, too soon.

at it again

2007-07-11T12:21:00.000+08:00

tanginang buhay yan. ang stoopeed ko. i think i'm making the same mistakes i made before, ones i swore not to.

i think i'm too selfish. or maybe not. just thinking.

i would be a moron not to realize that there are things i just can't do right now. i don't want this to suffer.

i'm speaking in terms of what i know and how i know them, because i may be thinking along my own perspective without looking at the other side of the fence.

i want this one to last as long as i can make it. hm. as long as we can make it. as i told a girlfriend, i must really love this person so much to want to respect the limitations that he has set.

i don't want to be labeled as demanding or as manipulative. not anymore. i have to accept that there are things now that i cannot have, and i cannot possibly use force--charms or otherwise--to get what i want. i guess i realized that even before we got together, but it is only now that i am really trying hard to live by them.

for now, i'm giving up the freedom to decide what's best. i think he knows it better than i do. or i do know, i just don't think about it. i just hope i can live by them. he tries to think clearly for the both of us, so i guess i should also take part in doing what i must.

we're polar opposites, and may be the one thing that binds us is that we think on the same wavelength, sometimes too much, because some people think we're weird. i like to think that he complements my personality, as crazy as my personality is, and i complement his.

i think i've met my match. yes, i think i have. i hope it'll last.

2007-07-09T09:20:00.000+08:00

i don't want tomorrow to come, not yet.

i don't know why i'm logging on; i don't have anything to say. gusto ko lang magparamdam. haha.

i wish my life would freeze in its current time frame. um, no, i wish time would freeze. so many things happening, and so many things to accomplish, that there is no time to think anymore. i always feel this way about my life. i wish there was something i could do to at least make my life a walk in the park.

i want to know what people do to have that kind of life.

news, kilig news.

2007-06-29T23:05:00.000+08:00

yes, aaminin ko na.

kami na.

p.s. i can still smell his cologne in my hand.

john dewey and the filipino educational system

2007-06-26T10:40:00.000+08:00

i'll post this quick... easy enough since this is just a copy-paste of an email i sent to my prof.

[edit]

just an excerpt about John Dewey's progressive education, lifted directly from wikipedia:

The central concept of John Dewey's view of education was that greater emphasis should be placed on the broadening of intellect and development of problem solving and critical thinking skills, rather than simply on the memorization of lessons. This is because Dewey saw the public school's relation to society was much like a repair organ to the organism of society. One of Dewey's main theories was the incorporation of the student's past experiences into the classroom (Experience and Education 1938). This was a job of both the educator and the caretaker.

The quality of experiences is key in the development of Dewey's progressivism. Without beneficial experiences growing off prior ones, education would not be able to use these experiences to reflect on the past, work through the present and prepare for the future (Experience and Education 1938).

While Dewey's educational theories have enjoyed a broad popularity during his lifetime and after, they have a troubled history of implementation due to the fact that there were no teachers qualified to incorporate these ideas. (Experience and Education 1938). Dewey's writings can be difficult to read, and his tendency to reuse commonplace words and phrases to express extremely complex reinterpretations of them makes him susceptible to misunderstanding. So while he held the role of a leading public intellectual, he was often misinterpreted, even by fellow academics.

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i'm impressed with Dewey's progressive education, yet even if it has been philosophized way back in the 40s, i can't help but think that the current educational system is outdated as far as progressive education is concerned.

as we know, our current educational system is anti-progressive in terms of Dewey's philosophy. i'd like to take on why philippine education is basically anti-Deweyian. :D

the main idea and the very problem of our current educational system is that teachers tell students that real life starts after college (or after the student finishes his/her education, whenever that may be). the teachers tell the students that they are equipping the child with skills that he would need "in the real world" after they graduate.

many would agree that a filipino childhood is ridden with hardships at home and in whatever environment, and because of this, the schools become a mode of escape, such that the when children enter the schools they feel sheltered. it is only after they graduate that they would be faced with the "real" problems, but while they're in school, they can be care-free. in other words, kampante sila.

what is wrong with this scenario is that "the real world" is already unfolding in the life of the child.

relating this to Dewey's philosophy, there is no continuity of education, in the sense that teachers and educators don't teach how children can cope with the hardships unique to the filipino experience.

we are equipping the child with the skills such that when he becomes of age, he is ready to escape these hardships that he has known in his childhood, instead of learning the right skills to bend these hardships to his advantage.

Deweyian philosophy tells us that we learn the skills we need through experience, that we can restructure and change in the present and for the future. but because our education in our schools is a mode of escape (our experience), that is also what we apply later on in life: we escape the hardships by simply leaving the country (our restructuring).

Dewey may be the same with Durkheim that we should aim to produce good citizens, and our current educational system is far from this goal. what we teach is different from what the students should know. as what greek philosopher seneca said, "vitae, non scholae, discimus," or that we learn for life and not for school.

i'm not sure if i have applied this as aptly, but this is how i have found Dewey's philosophy (and problematized it with the current times).

blissful, happy day

2007-06-23T06:01:00.000+08:00

i'm quite blissful today even if i know i would not be seeing him for the next few days. things are starting to work well between us, and i hope for the best. i don't want to hurt again.

i couldn't update as regular as i would want to, since it's been so busy at the start of the school year. i feel like i'm a student forever. i should have graduated, but since my delay has not been my doing (i promise!) but simply because the course i shifted to needed more time to finish. hay. makes me want to scream "ang tagal!" to the high heavens... as if my diploma will be handed down from the clouds.

i'm happy. our friends are speculating what is the real deal between the two of us, since we don't talk about it much. i told them that i would rather leave unsaid things that we agree on in this budding relationship, if it would be called as such.

we're not into the commitment stage. not yet at least. and, yes, we can't spend too much time with each other since we're both near graduation. the diploma is still the main goal... hopefully it won't be too elusive.

even if i'm not yet ready to commit, i can now say that i love him. but for us, it's not just the feeling that comes. so many things would have to be ironed out. i'm willing to wait.

he's so sweet. everytime he brings me home he'd come up to our house to talk to my mom and tell her that he brought me home safe (safe nga ba? hahaha), and would usually apologize if we're late. he's so nice to my mom, and my mom rarely scolds me if i go out with him without telling her... because usually he'd ask her permission or he'd bring me home and tell her that we went out.

i'm happy. but then both our parents remind us always, "aral muna." our parents are looking out for us since this year is crucial. we don't want to let them down. it pays also for us that we have the same goals at this moment in our lives; we are on the same boat.

i love him, and i'm praying for the best.

education crisis deepens

2007-06-04T17:36:00.001+08:00

nope, i'm not making it up. it was the headline of today's inquirer (read it here). what shocked me the most at this point is why only now?

this issue has been debated upon for decades. our educational system is rusting like iron left out in the monsoon rains, and our government has done only a few pathetic paint jobs to cover it up.

this educational system is already identified in its critical stage. why do we name it as critical only now, when 99.4% of grade six children tested were said to be unfit for high school education? isn't 50% alarming enough for our educators, legislators, and officials?

the problem: lack of classrooms, lack of teachers, lack of books, lack of good training and specialization of teachers, lack of budget, lack of materials. and what do we have so much of? corruption, red tape, and politicking.

every june since kopong-kopong, i could remember tv news hovering inside cramped classrooms and telling the world the crisis that befalls our elementary school kids. i could even remember maalala mo kaya stories about children walking so many kilometers barefoot because they live far from the schoolhouse just to get an education.

what disheartens me the most is that these little kids have no voices of their own. yes, we in UP rally for low tuition fees, or maybe even free education, when basic education has not even been met in the most rural (or not even as far-flung as that) areas. before we rally for higher education, should we not first mind the little kids and their basic social right to education?

i'm not totally for UP's budget cut, but if the cut goes to giving these children the basic education they need (for minimal fees or none at all), then i guess let's give it a try.

but this is not the case. every year UP's budget gets cut by millions, yet the education crisis in basic education still remains in stagnant waters.

the problem is also not just about low proficiency in english, but low proficiency in all three majors: english, math, and science. so debating about the medium of instruction should not be at the forefront of our educator's minds. what should be their concern is that, are the children getting the right skills they need to learn english, math, and science?

my mother is a college english teacher. she gets so stressed seeing at how her students passed highschool english with the grammar they have in their essays (yeah, and even i get stressed when i lecture at an upcat review and the highschool students whom i teach have bad english, and they're about to enter college). she believes that what we should teach now is functional literacy, that we learn the literacy skills for application. i know this is hell for someone believing in a well-rounded education like me, but learning for application is not new anymore (look at technical-vocational schools), and it could at least bridge the education crisis gap.

also, learning for application does not simply mean you can't learn theory; since you already know its application and would like to pursue further studies, you have at least some backbone on it (it can also be the other way around). and in a world where an education is necessary for employment, learning for application is shoved into a priority for many developing countries.

i remember telling a friend that i'm an advocate of media for education and teaching. we should reach children where teachers and schoolhouses can't. but it's not really as simple as that. our media today is saturated with entertainment (heck, even our news is entertainment). this is not discounting sineskwela and other educational programs that have been produced then. but these media have to be updated regularly; it must also be made sure that they reach the audience they were produced for.

every politician when running for office promises education for all. it's a good promise, hell, i think it's the best promise for the youth, but none as yet has delivered this promise. i think so many can agree that our government, save for a few, is full of incompetent slobs. another election has come and gone, and no future is more bleaker for our students than now.

gently strolling...

2007-06-01T09:54:00.000+08:00

it's not so simple to fall for another again. sometimes i think i may be doing the wrong things that i swore not to repeat again. but i'm more careful this time around.

being more careful now is utterly important, since i'm again treading on deep waters. i don't know what to think, because i may be here for the wrong reasons.

he's so my opposite: he thinks first before he jumps in. i'm the adventurous one, so i usually get myself in lots of messes.

he said he didn't want to hurt me, that's why he's taking the time to think about things. he doesn't want to go on ahead without knowing which direction to take. this is what i like about him--he takes the time to reflect on what to do next.

i, on the other hand, am no better at this. i was surprised that he took the time to think about this for the both of us. i like the way he treats me, and for that he has brownie points.

he looks out for the consequences that might turn up, because these are inevitable. people would talk. that's what we're both afraid of. mostly that's what i'm afraid of.

i want to be here for the right reasons, not just be here simply because i like the companionship but not the companion. i want to be sure of my feelings first. also, i want to make sure that mom and dad like him (which was something i overlooked in the past).

i can't talk about love as yet. sometimes it's not just about that.

it's a nice feeling to be here once again, to be appreciated and to be cared for. to be cared for, mostly, since, from how i know him, he does a very good job of that.

p.s. he's so nice.

batangas outing yay

2007-05-29T17:48:00.000+08:00

i have the pictures yay! i think all the pics are about 400, but i just chose a few.

let's start with a vain pic. haha. me in on the rocks. (wait, isn't that supposed to be whiskey?)

nag-iihaw. :D

chickababes. bam and me posing for the cam.

group pic sa bangka. clockwise from top left: jep, me, adrian, bam, jonathan, and jekka.

another pic on the rocks.

group pic. taken in front of our horribly cold room.

there's bam, jekka, adrian, and john.

on the island in mabini. bam, me, adrian, jekka, john, and jep.

having lunch on the seashore. back: bam, adrian, john, me. front: jekka, star, and jonathan.

cool pic humahangin pa. hehe. me and jep.

must-haves sa beach? ahaha.

oi mga pacute daw. the beach, at night.

after an evening dip.

ihaw todo galore. :D

woo hoo. our famous postcard line!

postcard from batangas

2007-05-28T14:10:00.000+08:00

sabi nga ng patalastas ng clusivol, mahirap magkasakit. maraming nakabinbin na trabaho pero hindi ko magawa dahil nahihirapan ako tumapat sa computer; nakakasakit ng ulo.

i came home from the batangas outing yesterday night. whatta. see myk's post about the outing here. thanks to all who made this outing successful! saya. hehe.

too bad i also came home down with colds. and i sound like a human dog. lesson learned: airconditioning should be a no-no when going down to the beach.

at least something good came out of this outing. my face cleared up of pimples! yay! saltwater cleared up my face, so now i'm glowing pink. and i have tan lines, too. double yay! it's not obvious i'm too vain, is it?

thanks to all. myk, john, jep, jekka, star, adrian, bam, and jonathan.

and this famous line: don't you wish you were here?

ohana means family

2007-05-28T13:03:00.000+08:00

i think i ranted too much on my previous post. i can't deny that what i learned has affected me in some way.

yes, blood is still thicker than water. family stands by each other no matter what.

i have gotten carried away with my thoughts. maybe i should not think too much of what has been but carry on to do what is right. and for what is right, i think i should just keep standing by this family, because it is in crisis that a family's bond gets closer.

mother has yet to tell me what she thinks. i value her opinion over anyone else's (except sometimes my dad's, of course), and she has yet to talk to me.

i was wrong in ranting too much. maybe i'll do it right this time by simply doing what is expected. ohana means family, as the movie lilo and stitch taught me.

i may be falling for someone i'm not supposed to fall for.

2007-05-25T22:01:00.000+08:00

is this right?

this feels so new and foreign to me, this falling again. i don't know if it really is what i think it is.

i hope it's not real. it's going to ruin everything.

and i hope you won't read this. but if you do pass by this post, i hope you won't realize it's you.

i am an edsa baby

2007-05-21T13:08:00.000+08:00

i am saddened that this year's elections is marred by cheating and violence. the comelec is turning a blind eye towards these issues. yet, a miracle has happened when fr. ed panlilio won as governor in pampanga. another bigger miracle has happened when maguindanao brought 12-0 for team unity. maguindanao, where chavit who's an ilocano and whose bailiwick is farthest won as number 1, and where jamalul kiram who's a muslim where many from maguindanao are also muslims finished as number 12 in the senatorial race.

i am saddened that a teacher and a poll watcher lost their lives to a burning down of a school. that it is alleged that policemen were the perpetrators of this crime. when it is nearing the opening of classes, and the children of this school would have no choice but to stay in make-shift rooms or on grounds under trees while this country has one less schoolhouse.

i post this because i don't think i can post this anywhere else.

____

I am an Edsa baby. I was born in 1986. My mother was pregnant with me when she rallied at Edsa in February, praying fervently with strangers to stop the violence. I am confident that she was thinking of me as she hoped for democracy and for a country where I could live in peace and exercise my rights. I went to Edsa with her—in her heart and under her heart.

Now, two decades after that event, it is my time to change the world, to take part in nation-building. Frankly, there is not much to work with.

It’s disheartening when the leaders who fought for democracy and for our so-called future destroyed it in just two decades, right at that time when our generation is able enough to make a change. Democracy had been sought, it was gained, but it has not been maintained.

My dad commented to me one evening after dinner that our political arena now is reminiscent of the post-war and pre-martial law era: that it is filled with political dynasties, corruption, greed, insurgencies in the countryside, and politically-related violence.

As Ambeth Ocampo always says, history does not repeat itself. We repeat history. I may not have lived during the time of my father, but he knows enough to tell me that what we are experiencing now in the era after Edsa is also what was happening then. The only problem is, it is in tenfold. The population has increased since that time, so too have the number of poor people, as well as the percent of the population who have left the Philippines to search for greener pastures.

Some of my friends have lost faith in this country. Some of them would probably leave the Philippines, some of them for good. Most of them, if not all, believe that this country has a bleak future, even with the small hope given by the elections.

Many think that the election is the key to social reform, that their taking part will mean something to the history to be told. Many, still, are disillusioned, that whoever they vote for, anyway, would not make a difference in their dismal lives in the country. Better to just leave—this is the common thinking among youth.

I tell my friends that the electoral process is only one part of social reform, that it is not the only way where we can change the governance and the government. They can take part in their own ways in forging new paths for this country.

Our generation is a generation of Edsa babies—youth who were born at the time when democracy is the song of the nation. For many of this generation, this was the first or second time to vote. Many who were disillusioned decided not to. But still, many laid down their hopes for this country’s future. I also lay down the hope that the votes of the children of democracy will be guarded like life. For if these hopes that were cast will be destroyed, it would be no surprise that the remaining spark in the youth for this nation’s future will die out quicker than jets that fly away from this country.

four whatever things

2007-05-15T10:56:00.000+08:00

got this tag from tina. hehe. i ripped a tag from her about films which i haven't posted yet. i will, but not now while i'm on a job. one of these days, i think.

4 JOBS I’VE HAD
raketista daw ako, so they say. i haven't really graduated yet, but i think i can name a few part-time or per-project jobs i had.

currently a research assistant to a professor in u.p. masscomm
currently teaching english at an upcat review center
formerly part of a market research team for collier's international
formerly a student assistant at the student housing in u.p.l.b.

4 MOVIES I’VE WATCHED OVER & OVER

Aladdin- i loved this film when i was a kid. i could even sing along with it. one time i even memorized the lines.
Titanic - i remember memorizing rose's lines and saying these lines with jack. ahaha.
Lion King 1 and 1/2 - oh. i, my brothers, and my sister watch this film whenever we have a guest around who's willing to laugh at it with us, usually kids fourteen and below :D
A Knight's Tale - oh yes. i loved this movie. particularly because heath ledger was in it (this was before brokeback, naman!). he's so funny because he's so cute! haha.

4 PLACES I’VE LIVED

Project 4 in Quezon City, where i spent my first seven years of childhood;
San Juan, where i am currently living in now;
Los Banos, where i shed my innocent youth and gained my independence;
and... everywhere else in between. hehe.

4 TV SHOW/STATIONS I LIKE TO WATCH

grey's anatomy, which my mom loves
my name is earl, which is a really funny comedy without the bad slapstick and cheesy stories
american idol, which again is an influence of my mom's getting in with the pop culture
friends, which is a like a really cute romcom... i love it so much!

4 PLACES I’VE BEEN ON VACATION
andami nito. i'll just name a few (few nga ba? hehe)

U.S. (LA, Frisco, Washington, Maryland) and Mexico
Singapore
Cebu and Iloilo and Davao
Zambales and Baguio

4 OF MY FAVE FOODS

pizza (alright! my favorite junk food!)
carbonara (my mom's special recipe)
chocolates and ice cream
and anything ginataan (ang layo. basta. manang men knows i love kalabasa with this.)

4 PLACES I’D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW

lounging at the beach
playing tennis in the courts
in the airconditioned office of my prof (haha!)
in UP, simply being a tambay there. hehe.

4 PEOPLE WHO WILL (hopefully) RESPOND TO THIS MEME GAME

not sure. everyone? wait, hm: pam, ninong, michael, and marchie

my name means huwaat?!?

2007-05-10T01:39:00.000+08:00

i read this in malor's blog when i was surfing through it today. i wanted to try it out, see what my name means.

A: you like to drink.
B: you like people.
C: you are really silly.
D: one in a million.
E: great in bed.
F: you are dead sexy.
G: you never let people tell you what to do.
H: you have a very good personality, looks and a very good kisser.
I: great in bed.
J: people adore u.
K: you're wild and crazy.
L: unbelievably great in bed.
M: great in bed.
N: you like to drink a LOT.
O: awesome kisser.
P: you are hypocrite.
Q: you are popular with all types of people.
R: fuckin crazy. (in a fun way)
S: easy to fall in love with.
T: you're loyal to those you love.
U: you are really silly.
V: you are not judgemental
W: you are very broad minded.
X: you never let people tell you what to do.
Y: best boy/girl friend any one can ask for.
Z: always ready

so... that is...

M: great in bed.
A: you like to drink.
R: fuckin crazy. (in a fun way)
I: great in bed.
E: great in bed.
L: unbelievably great in bed.

so... this means what?!

i don't believe this at all. haha. with all the m's, i's, e's, and l's in all the names of the world, everyone is bound to be great in bed. haha. and i do have a personality naman no. tsk tsk. not just in bed. haha.

but four birds with one stone? hm.

anyway, yes, i like to drink, but not get drunk haha. i'm also crazy (and sometimes weird), but not all the time.

aye, matey!

2007-05-07T17:57:00.000+08:00

a film this summer that i'm more excited to watch than spiderman 3 is at world's end, the third and final installment of pirates of the caribbean. i've been dying to see it since the ending of the 2nd film at the final seconds of watching it in gateway last year--i'm that excited.

johnny depp's performance is already reason enough to be excited for this film. couple that with a great story, amazing effects, and a big battle to boot. yo ho, it's a pirate's life for me!

captain barbossa must team up with will and elizabeth and (of course!) jack sparrow to beat davy jones and the entire east india company. it'd be one helluva funny film to see jack and barbossa team with each other.

i'm also wondering how they'd bring jack to life again. or maybe he really is dead and it's his soul that walks with them. i'd find out when i watch it.

depp's coming back as jack sparrow is a shouldn't-miss film. i've always admired johnny depp as an actor and his versatility in giving each role its own life. i can't even imagine that he started out as a pretty-boy cop in 21 jump street, then moved on to eccentric roles in gilbert grape, edward scissorhands, ed wood, benny and joon, sleepy hollow, secret window, charlie and the chocolate factory, finding neverland, and many others (hindi halata na fan ako di ba?). it's not always that you find an actor who's so willing to stretch his own talent by playing non-mainstream roles.

chow yun-fat is also another actor to watch out for in this film. my sister is especially waiting for it. hehe.

i can still remember strains of the song that the pirates were singing as we went on the pirates of the caribbean ride in disneyland... "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me. We're beggars and blighters, never-do-well cads, Drink up, my hearties, yo ho. Aye, but we're loved by our mommies and dads, Drink up, my hearties, yo ho."

and with this, captain barbossa says: "There was a time when a pirate was free to make his own way in the world. But our time is comin' to an end. Our enemies are united; they vow to destroy us. The Pirate Lords from the four corners of the Earth must stand together."

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End opens in theaters on May 24. i'll be sure to get tickets two weeks in advance.

sani watches spidey

2007-05-01T21:43:00.000+08:00

came home from watching that eensy weensy (or is that itsy bitsy?) spider hanging by, not water spouts, but tall NY buildings. woohoo. i got so excited for this film since i wanted to know what would happen to harry osbourne and how topher grace would fit as eddie brock in this film.

a little segue first. even before the showing of the first spiderman film, i was rooting for topher grace to play peter parker. i've watched him before in his geeky-nerdy role as foreman in that 70's show, and i knew then that i wanted him to play the friendly neighborhood superhero. he had the geekiness but he also had a mischievous streak.

so when i learned that tobey maguire took the role in the first film, i thought, "tobey who?" i went to theaters determined to criticize his performance, but i wasn't disappointed for what he presented to moviegoers for all three spidey films.

i mean, he took the nerd to heart who was discovering his own self in the first film, then added the mischievous spiderman who was trying to juggle peter's priorities in the second film. tobey's performance got better with each movie.

this third one is his best performance yet as both peter parker and spiderman. his nerdiness was in check, as usual, with a bit of that mischievous and witty spiderman charm. add to that spidey's dark and aggressive side, which he played well with a spice of comedy. when he combed his hair to cover his face, he looked like a big nerdy kid trying to be bad when he really isn't. i've grown fonder of him as spiderman with the installment of each film. i now no longer think that toper grace should have been peter parker.

and tobey buffed up, too! he is much bigger in this one than in the previous two.

what i liked about this film is that sam raimi stayed true to the images in the comics, so much that venom actually looked like he jumped from the comic magazine into the fim. i was amazed at the style from the first film to the second film and then to the third, since i didn't really expect that the images of spiderman, green goblin, doc ock, sandman, and venom would be as they were on paper. it felt like a tribute to spidey comics fans.

but then, this third spidey installation also had its downs. i didn't like the storyline as much as i liked the previous ones. each character added felt like they were just teasers, as if the story (and the length of the film) didn't give each character the time to evolve into peter parker's/spiderman's life. instead, the characters felt like, well, half-baked.

the first part of the film was focused on sandman as the archenemy, and the second part shifted the focus to venom. it confused me, and left many things in question. if they really want to show sandman's humanity in the first part, why couldn't have they emphasized it again in the final parts? a simple sorry didn't do the trick here (as with one president's lapse of judgment, but that's another story). it could have a scene showing flint's daughter or something, not just a locket on his hand, which would throw back the audience and remind them again that not all villains have bad intentions.

actually, the film could have evolved even without sandman. the story looked like sandman was inserted in the middle of the screenwriting process.

there's also venom. the career rivalry between eddie and peter could have been played up more instead of simply putting in two or three scenes about it. eddie is like peter: nerdy, the average torpe, but more talkative. it would have been fun to watch them both bicker as rivals while trying to get the photo scoop.

gwen stacy's part also felt half-baked in this story. yes, there was the kiss, and the dance, and um, what else? it was too short to be a romantic fling, so what was it? it should be remembered that peter was smitten with gwen one time or another.

simply put, the whole spiderman 3 film could be cut into two films already. there was too much of everything that it spoiled the story's broth.

anyway. i was saddened at [spoiler warning] harry's death. harry osbourne's part was also half-baked, since their rivalry could have climaxed at a much higher crescendo. the first two films was enough to foreshadow that there will be a big blockbuster showdown between the two best friends, and that wrestling match in the NYC arena was a good opening, but it didn't play up in the end.

killing him off was something i wasn't expecting to happen. but it was worth knowing that he died for his best friend. it almost drove me to tears. haha.

the ending was too quick, as if the writer wanted to finish the script quickly as it was nearing the deadline.

i was quite happy with how the movie looked, but as for the story, it could have been better.

weed out violence

2007-04-23T12:39:00.000+08:00

"the passions that incline men to peace, are fear of death; desire of such things as are necessary to commodious living; and a hope by their industry to obtain them." - thomas hobbes

joining the media bandwagon is completely not my intention today. what i really want to hear is the human side of his story, because i feel he is the victim in all this.

he killed 32 people and eventually took his own life. most of the news stories about him are about how much of a textbook psychopath he is. he was withdrawn, quiet, and has violent tendencies as shown in his writings, and was bullied in middle school and in high school.

aside from him being south korean, i do not know much about his life. from my point of view, he is the biggest victim in all this, and many people do not see that. what a sad life he lived to be bullied throughout his childhood and teenage years.

this massacre has led a global uproar in the regulation of guns and gun ownership. friends, gun control is not the root of the problem. gun control is only one branch of the large roots of violence in society.

the biggest problem is society's tendency to violence. this is not just prevalent in america; there are underpinnings of this root in our own philippine soil. take a look at the recent "hostage-taking" of 30 children. no, not just that. take a look at the everyday local news, the police, the hashish that we call a government.

when we teach our children that "the only way" to combat [insert pressing issue here] is to take up arms, we teach our children that violence is the way out. as i see it, using guns is only one form of violence. there are many more out there.

we are violent towards others when they are different from us. we highlight the word different here. by simple definition, when you are not one of us, then you must be different. a different religion, a different belief, a different race or nationality.

this is not to say that violence is only using firearms, nay. violence in my definition is any form of attack on another with intent of hurting or inflicting pain. the physical means is what many of us are more familiar with, but there can also be emotional means, or others.

bullying, then, is a form of violence on the children also by other children. kids bully other kids because they know that this one kid is different and can be kicked around like a puppy, not in the literal sense of course. bullying can be through physical means, or even verbal. there's no truth to the saying that sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. harsh words will always be branded in our minds. believe me, i've been a victim of this.

violence is prevalent and we see its symptoms. see it in the movies, the games, the wars. yes, the wars.

cho seung-hui and the other 32 people dead in the massacre is only a consequence of this long and deep root in a violent society. it is an outcome that will happen again, and most probably in a larger scale, unless we pull the root from the soil. cho is a victim of a violent society, and so were the 32 people he killed.

so gun control is only cutting a branch. how do we weed out this root? we have to learn to embrace differences and be tolerant of each other no matter how different one may be from another. we do not have to be sympathetic to each other. acceptance is the key word.

and when we cannot accept another? resolutions should be in means that would not hurt another. in other words, peaceful.

these are simple rules in a social contract, theorized and written about by philosophers for many centuries, but still people fail to understand.

"...the only way whereby anyone divests himself of his natural liberty, and puts on the bonds of civil society, is by agreeing with other men to join and unite into a community for the comfortable, safe, and peaceable living amongst another..." - john locke

brightest of the bright

2007-04-20T21:24:00.000+08:00

oops. forgot to update. hoo. that's something. haha.

i've been uber busy this week (as if other weeks i'm not); i'm in between research and lectures.

i'm so jealous of the graduating students. i wish i'm graduating and not stuck in college for a few more semesters. but more so, i'm jealous of the university valedictorian. let me tell you why.

she's a bs physics (one of my more favorite subjects back in highschool) graduate. she most probably aced the math subjects most of us are crawling through. her gwa is 1.099 (highest is 1.00). but that's not why i'm so jealous.

she's only sixteen years old. (read about it here.)

yep. at the age when i was still in sweet bliss sixteen not minding academics and gushing over prom gowns and dates and parties, mikaela irene fudolig is already graduating, not highschool, but college, mind you. she's too young to get a non-pro driver's license, too young to drink, heck, even too young to vote. she probably has lots of job offers right now, that is, if the department of labor and employment would rule her as working at that age as not child labor.

she stepped into UP at the tender age of 11 (huwaaaaaatt?!?), an age so young it makes me mutter profanities. heck, at 11 i haven't gotten my period yet.

it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "oh how they grow up so quickly." yep, child prodigies start so young.

and i recall that the students i'm giving lectures to (for the upcat review) are also around the age of mikaela: 15 or 16, give or take a few months. i'm happy that so many of them are hopefuls to get into this country's premier educational institution, that many of them are eager enough to sit through english review with me.

if only that eagerness is enough to get them into UP. it's a sad fact that many students fail in english. i am sometimes disappointed at the students who fail to get the correct answers, even if questions are easy. i am saddened at the dumbfounded faces looking straight at me in the classroom, and sometimes i don't know if it's because they had an epiphany with the english language, or they simply don't know what i'm blabbering about. my mom, an english prof, is disheartened at the grades many students get. and many don't even know the basics to the language, something they should have learned in elementary school.

so i try. i try hard. i want them to know and understand what i teach. but more importantly, i want them to appreciate english as much as i do. at the end of the day, the gauge of my tutoring is if they had learned enough from me to pass the upcat (or the acet or ustet or dlsu exam).

and hopefully when they graduate college, even if they aren't child prodigies, they become the light of the nation. yes, the salt of the earth. i earnestly wish they don't forget this immorality-stricken country when they graduate.

i'm so happy for this young girl. and for the many graduates this sunday in diliman. the feeling that so many fresh young minds which are (hopefully) not yet corrupted by the black hole of reality. we need these people in our down-trodden nation.

it is my hope that our beloved UP graduates live up to the call of Serving the People.

(and this is a big good news break from the virginia tech massacre that is sprawled all over the media lately.)

annyeong

2007-04-15T12:43:00.000+08:00

i've been bitten by the korean drama/ korean comedy bug.

lately i've been waking up at 3 am, and for lack of better things to do, i watch these korean films on youtube (since hollywood films are scarce on youtube haha).

the other day i watched 100 days with mr. arrogant, which is a funny (in an awfully barbaric sort) and cute romantic film. and i've just finished friends, that drama collaboration between korea and japan starring won bin and kyoko fukada.

i'm out of words right now, mostly because i'm lss-ing the theme song of the 4-episode series. hoo.

i can't imagine myself watching these films and series on youtube. i swore off korean dramas after crying buckets at, what's the name of the film? i can't remeber the title (haha, coping mechanism) but i think it's the sequel to windstruck. the one that starts off with the girl puking on top of a man's head inside a train...

oh, golly. now, when i'm not beachin' or baskin' in the summer sun (or when i'm taking a break from studying for research), i'm bummin' in front of my computer watching these asian series and films.

i'll be reviewing them, but that would be for my next post, since i'm really famished and i need my food to think. haha. i'm signing off with a video of that lss of mine.

no fear?

2007-04-11T11:47:00.000+08:00

mood: blanketed
currently: (supposed to be) working

bakit ba ako ang receiving end ng kamalasan sa relationships?

i’m not saying i’m the loser in all of my relationships, but i just feel that i’m the unfortunate one. it’s sad to realize that i have given more than what they can give me.

okay, i’m not dissing; i’m simply stating facts. one played with me, one was a coward, and another one was too weak for me. how’s that for a numbers game?

from this point of view, i’m starting to realize that i may be unlovable. ha. ouch.

i give so much of myself into relationships, thinking that by doing so, my significant other would do the same. usually it doesn’t happen. in the end i’m the first one to get hurt.

but it’s not really fun to not give so much in a relationship. it’s the hesitations, the doubts, the inhibitions that kill me, so i try not to be that.

well, i know one day someone will match my strength in a relationship. There’s gotta be someone man enough to be that way with me. i want to be loved in the way i love. it can be complicated, but yes, it’s possible. But in the present, not probable.

i’ve had this lingering question in my mind. maybe that person who could be man enough to love me is actually a woman. what if… ?

Philippine schools offer hard lesson in life

2007-04-09T12:34:00.000+08:00

i'm posting this from yahoo! news. something to think about when we vote in may. hopefully our lawmakers and leaders realize how prevalent this issue is when they lounge about in their comfortable lives.
*****

MANILA (Reuters) - School is out for Filipino children this summer and a large proportion of them won't be coming back.

Dropout rates are climbing in the Philippines as years of underfunding and rapid population growth have left the country's public schools -- once the pride of the region -- with insufficient teachers, classrooms and textbooks to go round.

The poor are most at risk, creating a vicious cycle of impoverishment that two men armed with a submachine gun, a revolver and two grenades decided to highlight last week by holding dozens of children in Manila hostage.

Although Filipinos abhorred the actions of Jun Ducat and his accomplice, the businessman's impassioned condemnation of corruption and inequality in education, aired live on TV, struck a chord.

"I wholeheartedly agree with the message because these are the kids who are neglected," said Dolores Espanol, chairwoman of the Philippine branch of Transparency International, which rated the country 126 out of 163 in a 2006 global survey on corruption, behind Libya and Uganda.

"Corruption is really pervasive in the education system."

Publishers often bribe school boards and superintendents with money and foreign holidays to win lucrative textbook contracts.

Teachers, who earn as little as 165,000 pesos (7,600 pound) sometimes over-charge their students for materials or accept payoffs for higher grades. Many have left the Philippines for better-paying work as domestic help.

The result is book shortages, inappropriate texts and bitterness among the poor. Pupils are forced either to share or fork out for extra resources, putting a big strain on families already struggling to pay for uniforms and lunches.

NO BENEFITS

Although government finances are improving and the economy is growing, the benefits are not trickling down to the poor, whose ranks are expanding due to a lack of contraception and little education about birth control in the mainly Catholic nation.

Around 46 percent of the Philippine population live on less than $2 (1 pound) a day, and 28 percent of children under the age of five are underweight, according to the United Nations.

Extreme poverty is forcing more and more students out of the classroom and onto the streets of large cities, where they beg and hustle to survive.

"Even if education is free, the problem is the daily expenses and allowances of the children. I have had students who attend classes on empty stomachs," said one veteran high school teacher, who declined to be named.

Drop-out rates in secondary school rose to 15.8 percent in 2005-06 from 8.5 percent in 2000-01, according to the Department of Education. In some schools the rate is as high as 30 percent.

"What you have is a very large minority of people who are condemned to poverty because they will be functionally illiterate," said Solita Monsod, professor of economics at the University of the Philippines.

TEST SCORES

For those children that stick it out, conditions are tough.

Overcrowding and lack of space mean that classes are held in shifts. One group will start lessons at 6 a.m. and the next will take over the room at 1 p.m.

Teachers frequently have to deal with 65 children at a time and sometimes there aren't enough chairs or desks for everyone.

While the rich can send their children to private institutions with air conditioning and computers, rural public schools often have to make do without reliable electricity and classes are sometimes held outside or in the stairwell.

Figures from the World Bank show education spending by the Philippines was equal to 3.2 percent of gross domestic product in 2004, far higher than Indonesia's 0.9 percent but well below Malaysia's 8 percent and Thailand's 4.2 percent.

For decades, the Philippines was acclaimed as one of the most highly educated countries in Asia but recent test scores tell a different story.

Just one in five 12-year-olds scored the mastery level of 75 percent in maths, science, social studies and languages in the 2004/05 school year, a report by the National Statistical Coordination Board showed.

Buoyed by improving tax revenues and large foreign exchange flows from overseas workers -- including former teachers -- the Philippines plans to hike its education budget by 13 percent to 133 billion pesos this year.

But it's already too late for Edraline Mataron, whose parents halted her education last year so that her older brother could go to college.

"I am saddened by it," said the 16-year-old from a slum area of Manila. "I'm trying to get any work, even part time, but it's hard to pass the requirements."

(Additional reporting by Karen Lema and Rosemarie Francisco)

hop goes the bunny easter

2007-04-08T21:27:00.000+08:00

easter bunny hopped through tanay, rizal yesterday and dropped goodies for the kids. nah. it was just my cousin chinky, who played santa by funding this year's easter egg hunt.

hiding all those sixty-four eggs is a blast but still pretty difficult. we don't want the kids to find them too easily, but we also don't want to spoil the fun by putting the eggs in places where you can see them ten yards away.

i love spending easter with family. i always look forward to easter, more than i look forward to christmas. yes, there's the exchanging of gifts part, but every christmas to me is just the same: we spend it in project four, watch tv, eat, sleep... then the next day it's not christmas anymore.

i love easter simply because it's the day after all the fasting, sacrifice, and loooong prayers asking the Lord for forgiveness. it's the long wait, and finally Christ has resurrected.

i'm not too religious. if you ask me, i don't adhere to that many catholic dogmas.

easter for me is a time for rejoicing, for family, for having fun, for the celebrations. during the christmas season, i get to go to so many christmas parties before the actual christmas celebration that i get pooped up by the time christmas comes.

easter is also my time of connecting with my inner self, of cleansing myself of past hurts, of forgiving myself for past mistakes. it's the end of my academic year, so it's my time to evaluate myself after one long year of hard school work. and when i don't have anywhere to go to, it's also my time of physical cleansing. yep, i do my spring cleaning during the holy week. nothing gets better than actually seeing my desk again (after one whole year of being under the mounds of books, papers, bags, and nonsense stuff).

okay, i've sidetracked long enough. we went to tanay, rizal, to the rest house of my cousin jp's in-laws (ang haba ng connection hehe). looked and felt like the usual family cookout: barbecue, lotsa good food, drinks (by that i mean beer), swimming, and the chitchats.

and any family gathering wouldn't be complete without having a baby in center stage: cousin jp's son inggo. haha. before, the baby used to be my tita jing's baby judd, but they're now in canada. before him, my tita michelle's son david, and before him again was cousin john's daughter anezka. i don't know what it is about family gatherings, but our family seems to have at least one pretty baby every year... and we welcome a new one when that baby turns three or four years old. who's will it be in the next years? i wonder.

my sibs joanne and jj and cousin chinky turned the small kubo into a casino (yep, cards, bets by piso-piso, tong-its, beer, and a few smokes), while i played around in the pool with the kids. i was forced into exercise, what with everyone asking me, "ate mariel pull me here," or "ate mariel take me there." haha. i enjoyed it anyway. i also needed to sweat out the few pounds i gained through eating so much during the holy week.

i missed those days when i was the one who looked for easter eggs, but it was actually more fun hiding the eggs and watching the kids search for those eggs. at the end of the day, however, the kids thought of hiding the eggs for us and we would look for them. haha. i didn't join in, but i think the kids had more fun thinking up of places where we would have a difficulty searching.

it's back to research work for me on monday. nope, i want to take a break on monday. i'll read up my articles on monday, edit them on tuesday, and hopefully have a draft of data that still needs to be collected on wednesday. by wednesday, though, i need to get my butt back to UP.

ooh. and while i'm on a break, i'm planning our laiya excursion. hehe. i've just got back from a really long break and now i'm already thinking of another one.

lah-eeh-yah. eeh-lah-yah. yah-eeh-lah. yah-lah-eeh...

i'm going to sleep before i get crazy with syllabic anagrams. happy easter everybody!

starting summer with a bang

2007-04-07T11:37:00.000+08:00

yay! i'm back home, after two nights of lazing on the beach. on the third day, i was really ready to go home. i needed to feel my soft bed and hug my pillows. sleeping on the sand is really not my thing. haha.

went to zambales, in san antonio, a place that is, according to kel, populated by aetas. heck, i haven't seen one during my stay there. anyway, we camped by the beach, and it was so breezy! sleeping under the sky, and opening my eyes in the middle of the night to see the moon directly above me.. ooh, that was exhilarating. the first night i slept in the tent, but on the 2nd night i decided to rough it out, take my banig and sleep in the open air. haha.

on our 2nd day there, i decided to go for a walk at 5.30 in the morning. on the beach i met steve who's from new zealand and his two beautiful dogs, chuba and cocky. my, those dogs are so playful! and so big... they managed to tumble me down while playing, and that hurt. steve's a deep-sea fisherman, and he's been staying in san antonio for nine years already. haha. my mom joked that he's already a native there.

he toured us (me, mom, and dad) in the "international" village where the residents are australian, swedish, norweigian, english... i liked that place. they have bungalow houses, large gardens, and inside the community they were building two small lakes. someday i'd like to fish for carp there. hehe.

steve invited us inside his garden where we found so many flowering plants, fruit trees, and spices. he even gave us small basil plants to take home. wow. now i can have basil in my pasta without buying that spice. hehe.

and that afternoon we went island hopping. tranquility is the word for those islands across san antonio. white sand. waves lapping at the shore. woot. bora without the sin city. hahaha.

and that vacation taught me what "waves crashing at the shore" meant. yes, i know what it is. but it was my first time to encounter such huge waves. they pull you into the sea then throw you back on the shore. if you get pulled so far you won't be able to reach the shore. after playing tug-of-war with the sea, i walked away with sand in all the places of my bathing suit.

my brother mark went kickboarding on those waves. tried it, and i thought i was going to die in those waves. after a few scratches on my leg, i finally got it. yay!

when we were finally going home on the third day, my dad decided we still haven't enough of the water, so we drove to 8 waves in bulacan. whew. waves again?!

this time, though, the waves didn't horseplay around with me. and i got to do a few lopsided laps in the olympic-sized pool, too.

my mom and i joked that the place felt like a pool park in sentosa in singapore... all around us the people were either bumbay or chinese, and all else looked like pinoys (which were, of course, a mix of filipinos, malaysians, and a few indonesians here and there). hehe.

whatta vacation. i slumped on the bed when i got home. too bad my digicam got messed up and i don't have pics. anyway, saving for a new one, and crossing my fingers that hopefully i won't use all that money up for shopping.

next stop/s would be: tanay, rizal on easter with my family and my cousins, sagada and banawe (again with my family) on the 29th, laiya (that excursion i'm planning with myk) with don bosco friends on may 5th, davao with my sibs and my cousins on the end of may, and maybe lemery to visit my parents' friend there. woohoo. whatta summer.

wait. no puerto?!?

happy summer break, friends!

[edit]
congratulations to the graduates! u.p. cmc's graduation is on the 22nd (and usually u.p.'s graduation is always the last among all the universities), so this greeting may be too early. but to all else who have graduated, congrats guys!
[/edit]

finally, the closure i've been waiting for

2007-04-03T16:17:00.000+08:00

in breakups, nobody really loses. both of you actually win (unless you're both stupid haha). instead of the both of you pulling yourselves downward because you're not really good together, it makes sense that you get out of that relationship and be the better individuals that you can be.

i realized so much about this. most of my posts have been about this relationship.

i thought we were perfect for each other. but through time i was killing him by not letting him be, and he was also pulling me down because i was affected by his negativity toward me. i'm not sure how it started, but it became a vicious cycle between us, and it started long before we had our first anniversary. i learned here that if we really loved each other, we have to let each other grow apart so we can't feed on the bad things.

okay, here's the dish. we talked. i appreciated talking to him. he was saying sorry for it all. i didn't want to go through it again. he cried, and i tried to put on a straight face, mostly for myself. it is now that i cry, but i'm thankful that it's over. i'm thankful that we called a truce. it's not everyday that you can say to an ex, "we're okay. i'm fine."

people may think i'm pathetic for talking to him, what with all he's done to me. but it healed me, somehow, to think that he doesn't hold anything against me. i have forgiven him, he has forgiven me.

not too many people are keen on the idea of calling a truce with an ex. but it's better than being angry at what had happened to us.

i'm genuinely happy for him. no, don't think me a fake. i feel happy for myself, too. the way i see it, i've rubbed off so much of myself on him that he became ready for someone else. haha. my ego credits myself for being that much of an influence on him.

and maybe he did, too, influence me on so many things that i can prepare myself for obstacles to come. and maybe it is he, too, who readies me for my next relationship.

am i the one talking? i thought these ideas were for the hopeless singles. i think i should be a relationship guru. hahaha.

i missed him, but mostly it was because i treasured his friendship the most. through time, we became friends. and i know i was worth something in his life for him to stay with me for that long (read: almost three years).

most people would think it a wasted investment. but i was happy then. i had fun.

i told him that i'll be okay. and when that time comes, he'll know.

thanks kel for the years. thanks for being proud of me.

books

2007-04-03T11:30:00.000+08:00

got tagged by my friend ilia. sorry lia for posting this so late. i haven't read as much i would want to lately, and for the past semesters i'm stuck with gravetter and wallnau, babbie, littlejohn, mcquail, and ocassionally strunk and white. haven't been literary lately.

1. You're stuck inside Farenheit 451. What book do you want to be? hm. let's just say i don't want to be a book. haha.

2. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? ooh, once you've read a sheldon, you'll know. i forgot his name, but the way sheldon described him: debonair, a perfect gentleman, sexy, cunning and an intellectual. in short, he's perfect. haha. i just forgot his name and the book (basically sheldon's leading men all have the same personalities haha).

3. The last books you bought were: bonifacio's bones by ambeth ocampo (i'm a history freak) and i finished that short book in one afternoon and, on a whim, walden bello's anti-development state... i loved his views (although i haven't taken him as a prof) hehe.

4. The last books given to you were: ooh, my dad bought me the complete set of philippine history by reader's digest. i said we needed it for our library at home, but mostly it was me reading it. haha.

5. Three books that would have made more of a difference in life had I read them years earlier: yah, vagina monologues by eve ensler, ambeth ocampo's looking back and aguinaldo's breakfast (it would have made me enjoy my history classes then).

6. Three books I borrowed and don't want to return anymore: i don't remember borrowing any book (kasi naman! i usually buy my own. but i can name dvds i wouldn't want to return back hehe).

7. Three books I wanted to like more: (can i name just two?) tuesdays with morrie (yeah, i didn't really like it as much, what with all the hype and all), grapes of wrath by john steinbeck bored me at the start i didn't even finish it (huwat? that's a pulitzer prize-winning novel!).

8. Three books I pretended to have read: not that i know of.

9. Three books I am happy I bought last year: gravetter and wallnau tops that! (top 1, 2, and 3, grabe!) i mean, a bargain php 300 second-hand book in hardbound, and it looked brand-new! i'm the only one i know who has one (the cmc lib has a photocopy). hehehe. yabang.

10. Three books I wish I had written: catcher in the rye by jd salinger (i always wanted to write a novel that has so many thoughts, it would seem like a word salad), the rule of four by ian caldwell and dustin thompson (oh man, the details of that book are amazing!). and the rosales saga (can i just name all?) is just so damn satisfying. i was proud of my race after reading that.

now, i'm tagging tina (who has read so many books it amazes me), rv, and luisa, and myk.

finding my composure

2007-04-02T15:00:00.000+08:00

this march i only posted a few entries, not that i am on hiatus, but simply because nawalan ako ng gana. it happens, sometimes, but i guess there are moments when i can't force myself to write.

my friend commented to me that the battle of exes is simple: the one who has the best composure through it all (and is in a less emotional mess) is declared the winner. but why should there be a battle anyway?

i never really believed in the-ex-is-the-enemy point of view. i hate that. aeons ago, i had this grudge over an ex, and i can't sleep because of the knife in the gut that someone hates me as much as i hate him. i was guilty for so many months for not trying to at least be civil with him! ha.

i've been through a rough ride this past few months, and i'm worried that my wreck would be so humongous it could pull me down--like how the titanic was pulled into the atlantic. so huge. i don't want to be that. why are there no diagnoses made for these kinds of things, so i'd directly know the cure? oh well. placebo is usually the remedy for imagined illnesses.

i told myself i needed a catharsis. stress balls maybe? bobo dolls? or how about his neck for me to wring? hahaha. i'm talking nonsense now.

i need to forgive the past hurts. it's one of my dad's "teachings": forgive and forget. i'm trying to forgive, only, i also need to be forgiven. at least i know that many of the things i did could be forgotten and get over with, instead of me blaming myself all over again.

resolving differences is not a simple matter, since the question would be, so what now? why resolve anyway? i need my peace of mind, hell. i told my friend ares that i try not to be bitter, which is completely a very hard thing to do.

he told me that not resolving this within myself is like a pc with so many processes; babagal ang pag-andar 'pag hindi binawasan ang mga proseso. tumpak, i said.

i realized that what i miss most about him is because he was the one i turn to, but i can always find another person who can be that way for me. it's not necessarily him who makes me happy. it's the feeling that someone's there with me. it's the happy feeling of security and of satisfaction that someone will always be here for me. and when that security was taken away from me, saka ako nasaktan.

so it's not really just him. it's me trying to find my security with a person.

now, even if it took me months, i have the happy-floaty feeling of letting go. yes, i've moved on because i have no choice, but i've let go of the feelings that made me suffer through all this time.

and i only need one thing more to make this complete within me. forgiveness.

it's now the holy week. a time for cleansing.

my celebrity look-alikes

2007-03-31T14:29:00.001+08:00

natuwa naman ako. :D

i remember when i took pi100 last summer, one of my classmates commented that i somewhat looked like eva longoria (ang haba ng hair ni ate!). i'm posting this, just a little something not to keep me bored. hahaha. :D

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

sniff chuff

2007-03-17T10:01:00.000+08:00

haven't been able to post lately, for the simple reason of having too much time away from my computer. wapak. i'm back.

march is not yet over, so i think this post fits the season. i'm ranting, and this post is not for the below-eighteen or the conservative. if you're one of these, please cover your eyes with your fingers, or press alt+f4 on your keyboard.

i am disgusted at the fact that a company has been capitalizing on the "scent" of a woman.

oh yes, i have to provide the public with an introduction to the product, if it should be called as such.

it's called vulva original. for lack of descriptives, i would rather the product say what it is: vulva original beguiles the senses with the scent of a real vagina, thus opening up completely new vistas for enhancing your sex life. vulva original lets you enjoy the scent of a woman anytime you want. it’s easy to use: shake the vulva vial well, and the fluid is also transformed to optically resemble the object of every man’s desire. then apply it to the back of your hand and sniff. your libido will take care of the rest all by itself.

who's vulva is it from? what makes it original anyway?

ew. i'd like to think my abyss smells different from the one next door.

i remember watching one episode in nat geo about pheromones and such, about the scent of one woman is different from another since the scent identifies one's genes. this unique scent is either attractive or repulsive to a man, depending on the genes it identifies.

hm, i'm not sure about this scientific part, but yep, one lady would protest that her coochie's "fragrance" is quite different from the rest (if not, she'd even tell you that hers smells better, haha).

it's a good thing, though, that this product is only available in germany and the uk (from the last i heard).

anyway, capitalizing on it, would there be other product lines, such as asian vulva original (which carries chinese, japanese, korean, filipino, etc), or american vulva original which comes in black and white?

and who profits from this product? are there smell-testers? did they use animal testing? who gets to say which vulva smells better?

the product's website address is also so cheesy... www . smell me and . com? what about smell me and throw up? come on! [pun not intended].

i'd like also to warn the men. applying this scent to the back of your hand, just like applying any perfume to your wrist, would most probably make you reek of chuff. it may "enhance" your libido, but try getting into an elevator full of high-testosteroned barakos. use your imagination.

this month's awareness

2007-03-08T04:25:00.000+08:00

happy international women's day!

celebrate your femininity. well, i know i will!

we're celebrating so many things this month. it's breast cancer awareness month. visit www.breastcancer.org for more information and to know how to lower the risk of getting breast cancer. it's not too early to start now. haha.

it's also national fire prevention month. yes, there is such a thing as fire prevention month. i'm not sure where to get tips for fire prevention, but sometimes these things are just common sense.

the usual causes of fires are cigarette buts and matchsticks. so please check where you throw your cig butts; put them out before throwing them away. keep any lighted object (such as candles) away from inflammble materials. do not plug too many electrical appliances in one electric socket. have your electric wiring checked every year by a certified electrician. also, remember to close your gas tank after using it.

awareness is always helpful in preventing unfortunate things to happen. so be aware. and have a happy march!

lazy and depressed underling

2007-03-03T10:02:00.000+08:00

i'm starting to become my lazy self again. yup, me + laziness = disaster.

so many things to finish in so little time (why am i blogging again?) . and whenever i sit in front of my pc or my laptop, my eyes start to fall asleep. my fingers long to touch the soft pillows instead of the hard clicking keyboard. i can hear the calling of the covers and bedsheets beckoning me to lay my restless head.

*turntable scratch

what?! seems like in school, this has also been happening. i'm not really sure why. um, no, i think i do know.

i withdrew from coffee at the start of the week, at my mother's prodding, no, insistence, since i've been having too many migraines, so much that i've become immune to mefenamic acid. haha. i've been craving it like crazy just to keep my lids open while i work.

i'm bored with my life. last night i was depressed for no reason, and i tried to sleep it off, but still i'm depressed. i want to knock someone out, cry, punch something, and cry again. i hope this isn't post-breakup depression (but, well, yeah, i want to knock him out for the simple reason of breaking my heart).

last night was commressoc's anniv dinner. i had fun emcee-ing it. haha. and congrats to my parter stan, even if both of us were so corny last night. thanks to all who attended! feisty at thirty, fiesta at trenta.

after that, i was, yet again, depressed. i've so many things to do, yet later i'm going out with highschool friends for lunch, then with john who said he was going to treat me to ghostrider. and then no sleeping later this night with so many schoolwork to finish.

i wish i was lazy more often. life's a beach when you're a bum.

----
postscript. why do we not have an environmentalist usc councilor? i've been waiting for that. i mean, we keep ourselves up-to-date with national political issues, yet when asked, we are dumbfounded at environmental issues. i think we need someone in the usc who will implement environment-friendly acts, such as awareness campaigns, recycling projects within the university, cleaning up of UP, the use of alternative fuels of ikot jeeps, and alternative energy sources of colleges. most of college students are not even aware of the lafayette mining issue and the biofuel and clean air acts, some issues we must take part in. where are these people??

thoughts on tofi

2007-03-01T20:38:00.000+08:00

this is really a very big issue; it's hard not to turn an indifferent head away from it. so many people are speaking up against the tuition fee increase, but i'm not one of them. i would just like to highlight a few points why, in principle, i'm for the tfi.

let those who can afford pay what they can afford. it's not really fair that a rich kid pays the same small tuition fee (which is roughly just his two-week allowance) as the not-so-affluent kid. the fee increase is not really constructed so that the UP admin will earn from us, nay, the tfi is simply taking out the state subsidy from those who can afford to pay full tuition.

by then, funds that are used to subsidize these rich kids' tuition fees will be allocated for other purposes, such as improving UP's facilities and funding research and development. sadly, though, the tfi will not in any way increase our professors' salaries, since these are still standardized by the government.

but of course, the stfap has to be reevaluated and reviewed to fit the current times. with the tuition fee increase (for the affluent) must also come a tuition fee decrease (for the not-so-affluent). hey, we pay taxes the same way, why not also pay tuition fees in the same way, too?

our administration must come up with an expansive and extensive stfap, one that will cover all ground of social classes and incomes. the tfi will fail in its purpose of wanting to be pro-poor by not defining who the poor is. the tfi is going to be implemented, but i would not let it be implemented without the reevaluation of the stfap.

this fight is not anymore about greater state subsidy; it's more than that. it's helping UP survive.

let's face it: our corrupt and filthy government will not look out for us. budget cut by budget cut, and even with the increase in taxes, UP's budget, well, has not yet budged from its current state. and the people have a legitimate reason not to fund UP. where do we pool our rich intellectualities? where do we go after we graduate? who benefits from the hard-earned training and education we get from the people's taxes? the people pay for our education yet we let ourselves be pirated by the first world countries that suck the economy out of third world swamps.

i'm not saying everybody is like that. i applaud the people who would not let themselves be pirated by others. i commend the people who, in spite of the poverty-stricken land that we all live in, still have hope for us, and provide us with hope simply because they have not left us alone.

this post will probably (and hopefully) open up debates. it's high time that we speak up. and the media is making a big ruckus out of this circus, and influencing the people about wrong notions and mixed-up facts.

here is my stand: go for the tuition fee increase, but reevaluate the stfap first.

march 6, 2007: don't forget to exercise your right to vote! bring your UP i.d. or form 5.

tell me what?

2007-03-01T08:18:00.000+08:00

seems like so many bloggistas are going on hiatus. join the bandwagon? would rather not, although it is continually tempting, what with all the acads and stuff. sabes tú, acad life kills social life. hehe.

though i'm not a social butterfly--i'm only discovering new things after this breakup, rebuilding old relationships, and strengthening current ones. i'm not really sure how to go about after a breakup, but people are complimenting me on how strong i am through all this. yay, thanks. it means they can't see me crumble to the ground.

anyway, i recently told ares that if i can't blog or at least read others' blogs, i'd be itching for it. i open my computer and the first thing i do is open my IE and go to blogger. so much for prioritizing my acads. this has been my outlet, but i know it's not healthy. eventually i would have to move on to other things. at least after letting go of the best friend i had for so long, i have something to open up to. like a dog, but less alive. hehe.

btw, i read in tina's blog that davao bloggistas are cooking up a party. can we have one in manila? hehehe. i'm not into the sirkulasyon, so to speak. simply a tiny speck.

i promised in my january posts that i'll be blogging about our goin bulilit study. this has not happened yet, and it's already march. we're still tinkering with the study, and thank god, we're already in the data analysis phase. the data collecting part was difficult, since we handled so many kids aged 7-10 years old, and believe me, getting them to sit still and answer our questions for just one hour was already difficult in itself. they are all so restless. i'll be back (one day) to post about that, all our experiences and stuff from our goin bulilit study.

it's difficult to stay away from this blog for so long. i'm missing it. haha. ever had times when you felt you really have to blog about something? oooh.

i'm getting bored with this skin, so much i want to customize my own, yet i lack the artistic capabilities to do so. come april i'm hoping to get a new skin. hoping.

and i'm ending this post with a question i mused about so many months ago when i started this blog. (for a backgrounder, i suggest to go back in time here). what is a katas ng baterya? i'm still wondering. please do tell.

lift one another up

2007-02-27T23:46:00.001+08:00

tonight was my first time to watch elevate. and it so rocked. ha.

i've never really been to a dance concert before (save the dance recital we were required to participate in during the semester that i took ballroom), and this experience really blew me away.

talk about amazing choreography. i was impressed.

hm, before i ramble on... elevate is an annual cheering competition and concert held by the u.p. pep squad. it shows that other side of the pep squad, that they're not just into acrobatics and cheering stunts and all that. it highlights the talent that each member has: dance.

tonight's concert brought to stage 12 different dance themes for each month of the year. so imagine us audience counting down one whole year through dance. makes me wish for a year of musicals, just like grease.(oh yeah, that's not our generation. whatever.)

january highlighted folk dances. bored me, actually, since i am so used to seeing this stuff. but february blew me away. ballroom. on a dancefloor where you can be erotic yet gentle at the same time. its theme is valentines, and what is more romantic (and sensual, is you ask me) than a latin dance? oooh. reminds me of past daydreams when i would wish to be swept off my feet by a latino with sexy eyes. oooh. the girls danced sensually (not that i'm sapphic!). hm. i wish i could dance like them.

so, come march. ballet. ballet is actually my frustration. and cool, they put on the graduation march song and then rock music. loved the choreo. april, cuaresma, an even better choreo. they did interpretative, and i loved it (especially the part when they depicted jesus on the cross). i was amazed, and so was yani, who gushed that it was her favorite of all.

hm. summer in may. angel rocked this part. haha. loved your streetdancing, girl, and the stunts! you made it look all so easy, as if it's natural, like walking. anyway, *strains of jt's sexyback soundtripping in my head.

fastforward to june. i laughed at all the comments at uste. hahaha. another hahaha. maybe this year will be championship year. i'm certainly hoping for that. up needs a win! i messed up the dances with the months, but i definitely loved the drummers' part. i got goosebumps from that; everybody was in sync. i think i got hoarse from chanting ooh-nee-bersidad-ng-pee-lee-pee-nas. hahaha. and i loved the choreo about the injuries the pep squad gets from training. talk about brilliant.

and then september, cheering competition! woohoo! i'll be seeing you u.p. people in araneta this year. then octoberfest na! yep, the month of nonstop booze, the time when sembreak days are spent having incoherent dreams in bed having hangovers from last night's partying. it's so funny--the choreo was silly (silly-entertaining, not silly-stupid) and the guys wore girl clothing: skirts and tank tops. yeah, you know how drunk college kids can get.

and november? instead of doing spooky dances with goth-type costumes, they went for white with red accents (i sound gay. hm). no, i mean, they wore red undies. and flashlights. hehe. talk about ghosts partying at night. after that, all the cheeriness of december. i particularly liked the costumes of shaider (was that shaider?) and teen titans' robin.

it's not obvious that i'm so ecstatic about this one, right? i'll be back next year. wooo.

and next year i'll grab better seats. haha.

kisap-mata?

2007-02-27T00:07:00.000+08:00

naisip kong ilagay ito rito 'pagkat wala na rin lang naman akong paglagyang iba nito. nagpapaka-emo lang naman ako.

milagro, no, nagsulat ako sa Filipino, bagay na pinilit kong huwag gawin. ititigil ko lang pansamantala ang pagbalat-kayo; mas masarap magsulat ngayon sa wikang nakasanayan.

malalim ako ngayon sa tagalog: malalim rin naman ang isusulat ko. itutugma ko na.

mahirap maghintay nang hindi nalalaman kung darating ba ang hinihintay. malapit na sa isang buwan akong naghintay, ngunit walang pasabi-sabi ay nawala siya. tiniis niya ako, isang bagay na hindi niya kayang gawin noong kami pa. tiniis ko rin siya, dahil hindi ko alam ang susunod na dapat gawin. sino ba ako sa kanya, saan ba ako sa buhay niya, mga bagay na hindi ko masagot. naghintay ako ng sagot na hindi naman dumating.

nagkamali akong isipin na siya na ang aking panghabang-buhay. ang jologs isipin, no? magtatatlong taon na sana kami ngayong ika-5 ng marso, pero ang tadhana hindi kami pinaabot doon. tama lang siguro, 'pagkat kung magtatagal pa kami ay mas lalo pa naming masasaktan ang isa't isa.

minahal ko siya; iniyakan ko nang palagian. tinanong ako, kung babalikan ba niya ako ngayon tatanggapin ko pa rin ba. nagkaroon kami ng aming panahon, at sa paglipas ay nagbago kami. nagbago siya sa paraang hindi ko matanggap, kaya kahit naman kami pa rin ngayon ay hindi ko siya matatanggap sa mga bagay na pinagbago niya. hindi ko siya kayang kundisyonan na mamahalin ko siya ngunit lalagyan ko siya ng limitasyon, ngunit ayaw ko rin naman na masaktan dahil sa kanyang pagbabago.

iba na ang buhay niya. iba na ang pinag-iinugan ng mundo niya. iba na ang kanyang mga pananaw. maaaring hindi nagbago ang kanyang pagmamahal at hindi naman nagbago ang akin, pero hindi kami maaaring magpatuloy nang hindi namin tanggap ang isa't isa.

kaya nga, sana magkapatawaran na lang kami. hindi rin naman kami uusad kung kami pa ngayon. sana mapatawad niya ang mga pagkukulang ko at ang mga pagkakamali ko sa kanya; ang hangad ko lang naman ay ang kanyang kaligayahan at kabutihan. akala ko alam ko kung ano ang nararapat--hindi pala.

ngayon, tanggap ko na hindi na kami. naluluha pa rin ako paminsan at napapa-buntong hininga sa mga pangyayari. tinatawanan ako ng mga kaibigan ko. ano ka ba mariel, marami pang iba diyan, ang lagi kong naririnig na payo.

ang pinakamasakit ngayon ay ang kanyang pagwawalang-bahala sa mga pangyayari. pagkatapos ng mahabang samahan ang tila nagkalimutan na. mahirap isipin na noong makalawang buwan lang ay isa akong mahalagang bahagi ng buhay niya. ngayon ay parang isa na lamang siyang taong nakatabi ko sa mrt--hindi ko kilala, hindi ko alam kung saan ang susunod niyang pupuntahan, walang pakialamanan basta't hindi namin natatapakan ang mga paa ng isa't isa.

para sa akin ngayon ay patay na ang dating mahal ko. marahas na sabihin. may minahal akong tao na nawala sa piling ko nang walang pasabi, hindi man lang ako nakapaghanda. hindi ko na siya maibabalik.

hindi ko siya mapapalitan. maraming bagay ang hahanapin ko at maaalala ko tungkol sa kanya. marami rin naman akong natutunan sa aming samahan. hindi ako nagkamali na minahal ko siya, ang mali ko lang ay ang mga akala.

sa ngayon, oo nga, marami pa naman diyan. maraming mag-uukol sa akin ng pansin. marami rin akong pag-uukulan ng pansin. hindi pa ako handa sa isang bagong pag-ibig. kailangan munang yakapin ko nang lubos ang mga pangyayari at mga leksyon nito. hindi ko pa kayang sumabak muli. baka ako ay masaktan lang kung hindi ako magiging maingat--o ang mas masama ay ang makasakit ako ulit.

refreshed

2007-02-26T00:08:00.000+08:00

feeling a little bit under the painted sky tonight. must be because i keep on listening to michael buble and chris botti. next time i'm really going to change my playlist. but while i'm enjoying it while i drink my coffee, i'll stick to my jazzy tunes.

or maybe this is the effect of being infatuated over someone new.

did everything in photoshop, btw. in about 30 minutes. haha.

now, if i may, i should really go back to work. too bad i can't get paid to blog.

[edit]

if anyone can teach me how to make my own brushes in photoshop, ayun, please help me. tell me how. thanks thanks. *smiley*

crossroads

2007-02-25T07:49:00.000+08:00

it's moments like these that make me thankful for the friends i have. i don't want to go into the blah-blah of the tale; i'm too bored to type that down.

11 pm, and we (meaning, I, ares, and myk) hailed a jeepney; they were to bring me home. before i got on, however, ares whispered to me to sit on the right side, someone was drunk inside the jeep.

how perceptive of him; i didn't see that. i sat down on the right, the drunk was opposite me. ares to my left, myk on my right. i felt like i had two bodyguards beside me: two huggable and soft bodyguards, haha.

i'm grateful i have friends who look after me. i haven't hung out with them in a while: i'm counting years. thanks, guys. (even though you ribbed me the whole trip home. hehe.)

i've missed them, and i haven't hung out with so many of my friends, most probably because i was too preoccupied with so many things. but still we're cool. :)

mowgli me

2007-02-21T19:54:00.000+08:00

of all the days! i found out just this evening that my essay was published in the philippine daily inquirer. ha! i was laughing so hard, i don't know if i read my name straight. yep: my name was on the byline, no doubt about it, mariel kierulf asiddao.

hahaha. and the topic of this week's 2Bu? breakups. how ironic.

anyway, my article is not about breakups. far from it, actually. to save you the trouble of having to fish for your copy of the inquirer, haha, i'll post my essay here (with the edits they made on it).

hopefully no one will laugh at me after this. but anyway.

Jungle Girl

I WAS CALLED MOWGLI THEN.

I laugh now when I think of the nicknames I once earned. But I hated them. Especially Mowgli.

Mowgli was the kid from the animated film "The Jungle Book." His best friend was Baloo the bear and his protector was Bagheera the panther. He was raised by wolves and he lived in trees. He swung from vine to vine like an orangutan, and he wore only a red loincloth, just like any jungle boy.

My aunt gave me the nickname Mowgli. I hated it the most among all the nicknames I had. I wasn’t primitive like this boy. I wasn’t even a boy to begin with. She said I looked like him, because I was skinny, I was dark, and my short hair made me look like a boy. I was the opposite of chubby, cute, and chinky-eyed kids who got all the attention from adults.

When I was a kid, I was so thin that people joked I would prick them whenever my elbows or knees touch them. I'd sit on adults’ laps and they would put me down, saying, “your buttocks are too hard.” So in my picture with Santa Claus, I was sitting on the floor.

Because of my thinness, adults would ask my mom if I was sick or something. My aunt even told me that I was thin because I had worms inside my stomach. She said I needed to take Combantrin or some other pampurga.

I also loved playing outside. I loved beaches, swimming in the sea, and playing in the sand. It wasn’t long before I got really dark because of it. I was insecure of being, well, too brown that I felt I looked like burnt meat. I was Amazon-boy dark.

My best friend in elementary had porcelain-like skin and chinky eyes. Being the ugly big-nosed Mowgli girl that I was, I could not compare to her, and I was often jealous since she would be picked to play the best and cutest parts in school plays. She was the perfect Mary for a belen or a Christmas play. I forget how many times she played the angel, but I remember she had her own set of angel wings, one that she wore more than once. I didn’t get to wear angel wings in my childhood, not even once.

But I played Joseph, Jesus’ foster father--a male role. I usually got male roles because I had short hair, another feature that made me look uglier. My aunt insisted that my hair should be cut short, for less fuss, so you could only imagine how jealous I was of braids and pigtails.

When I was in Grade Four, I had very short hair that in pictures I was mistaken as my mother’s unknown son. In pictures her friends would ask, “Who is your little boy? I haven’t seen him before.”
Outgrowing Mowgli
So I truly had earned my nickname. I was skinny. I was dark. I looked like a boy. Because of that, I felt insecure and I didn’t participate too much in school activities. I felt that the pretty and popular kids had more talent and intelligence than I had, since I was just an Amazon-jungle kid.

When I entered a different school for my secondary education, the jokes didn’t cease, but it was then that I felt a little better about myself. I began outgrowing Mowgli when I had filled out my bust and my hips, but jokes had a new target. My classmates joked about my nose, which is a cross between kamatis and kalabasa.

I got through those jokes. My friends and I matured, and in time the jokes were just silly reminders of physical imperfections that could easily be overlooked.

I’m grateful to my mom who made me see the person in me that others didn’t. Mothers are gifts to daughters. My mom made me realize that I am so much more, even if I did try so hard to look pretty. I tried wearing trendy clothes and putting on make-up. But in the end, what defines me is not what I had on, but how I carried myself.

My mother taught me to think positive about life, about other people, about problems, and about myself. She told me that if I consider myself a loser, people will also think that way. If I feel good about myself, then other people will also feel good about me. Now, some people think I look good, and I have attracted my share of suitors.

Mowgli and I are friends now, and I have accepted him as a part of my childhood. I laugh as I think about it now--how silly it was that I thought I was too ugly that I had to hide my Amazon-boy looks.

I am thankful that I realized quite early that I had much more to offer the world. I am good at writing. I have a natural curiosity of a researcher. I am a responsible leader--one skill I've developed through years of experience as the eldest sibling in the family. I have the wits and the guts to make it in this world, however hard it will be on me, on my dark skin, and on my tomato nose.

There will always be jokes about me. My ex-boyfriend used to rib me that I was a Bumbay, because compared to him, I was coffee. My dad would joke that my nose expands when I laugh.

I join in these jokes and still laugh as hard as they do. That's because I have accepted myself. Jokes about how I look would never really faze me now, or the way I feel about myself.
As Maria sings in West Side Story, “I feel pretty!” And I like myself just the way I am.

hahaha. now that my little brother has read this, he has begun to call me Mowgli. haha. it's okay. he'll always be my mark kalabaw, or my mark ipis.

(essay posted here was written for dove's campaign for real beauty. click here for more details about the campaign.)

kilig moments

2007-02-17T03:25:00.000+08:00

i came home from the fair gleeful of the events of the night, no matter how unfortunate my day was.

he's so nice, too nice in fact, to even be true. at first i thought he was just arrogant and wouldn't mind me at all, but i came to realize that he's just really shy at first. then we talked and talked and talked, and now he considers me a close friend. personal friend perhaps? too far shot to even think about it.

we didn't really get to go to the fair, we just simply passed through it because it was so crowded. haha. then we went out of the fair and just hung out in his car. yeah, we parked, but not in the way you guys think. i laughed, he laughed, we simply had a good time.

so here's news, he invited me to lunch on monday. i really don't know what to say. i'm so excited. i hope he would still enjoy my company as he did tonight. he said he did. i hoped he did.

i don't want to share this with anybody else, as it may decrease my kilig feeling, so i'm just writing it, hoping that my friends would rather not ask so i wouln't have to tell.

details will not be disclosed here, however. haha. he's so cute. he's smart, too. and from what i gather from our date together, he comes from a family background similar to mine. hopefully my dad and my mom like him. i introduced him already (hahaha) when he escorted me to our car.

i washed my face of the remaining makeup, but i just can't wipe my smile away with my towel.

i'm not expecting anything to come out of it, but it's not really too bad to hope, right?

sisfire of acads and deadlines?

2007-02-16T09:26:00.000+08:00

the fair, the fair.

i'm dizzy and really drowsy, so can't post much. came home from the fair, and will probably not go to class later (at 7 am).

evidence of a feb fair night out. hehe.

more pics in my multiply site.

sigh. i need beauty sleep.

date with academics

2007-02-14T00:06:00.000+08:00

and here it is, valentine's, and my date is with the books. exam tomorrow, make or break. so studying is the only night out. it's beyond words, so here are pictures.

hm. coffee, computer, commres120, and calculator. nice combination.

pretending to study.

pose break.

tomorrow, exam. tomorrow, febfair, at last. i feel so bad at not getting to watch 6 cycle mind last night at the febfair. to all fans of 6cyclemind, please support the band, vote for them as favorite band in the upcoming MYX Music Awards. i love their music. too bad they are upstaged by the papogi rock bands. hmph.

i went home early, in hopes that i could watch kamikazee on deal or no deal. i fell asleep. damn. if anybody can post videos, hehe... adik.

friday! well, i'll post about that later on. haha. i don't want to spoil my kilig.

happy valentine's day everyone.

betty botta bought a bit of bitter butter

2007-02-10T10:29:00.000+08:00

i suppose every ~~girlfriend~~ ex-girlfriend goes through this phase. and the heck with kiddos who still send heartbreak messages even with the globe subscribers' boycott of unli texting. you guys are just wasting your load. i erased so many of those messages, until i regret doing that since i could have a very good use for them.

bitter message number one: It hurts to say goodbye to someone that (grammar check... someone whom, man) you almost gave your life to, knowing that life won't be the same without that person. But it's better to give up the feeling that than to know that you're the only one fighting.

(gaga, if you feel that the relationship is one-sided from the start, warning signs are blaring that he's not the one for you.)

bitter message number two: You go to bed early, only to find that you can't sleep at all. You reach out for chocolate for a happy fix, 5 empty wrappers later, you feel twice as miserable and thrice as fat. You go out and get as inhumanely drunk as possible, yet when sober up in the morning, hangover aside, reality seems too painfully clear. That's the messed up part about heartbreaks. We make excuses to blind ourselves, yet deep down in the gut, nix the perfect fronts--it just fucking hurts.

(and two years later he's still on your mind. get up and go out there. never mind that it hurts, but c'mon, being like that would make him think why he left you in the first place. get up, embrace your inner beauty. by the time he sees you again, his jaw will be eating his balls and he'll think how he's such a loser by dumping you.)

bitter message number three: the worst feeling is how much you love someone, how much he loves you back, how perfect you are together but for a million reasons, you can never be together.

(i have only one thing to say to this: tanga mo. kung hindi ukol, di talaga bubukol, kahit gaano mo pa pilitin ate. there's a saying that if there's a will, there's a way, so if he loves you, then he must make the right choices for you to be together. but don't be a homewrecker, please. we have enough dysfunctional families in the world right now.)

bitter message number four: you know, maybe cupid should shoot himself with his own damn arrow so he can feel how much love hurts!

(nangdamay ka pa. if you know your mythology, and the love story between cupid and psyche, you'd know that even cupid went through heartbreak when psyche didn't keep faith. ah, well, in the end they were together. love and soul intertwined in marriage--cupid being the god of love, and psyche whose name means soul. hahaha.)

i erased so many of these bitter messages because i thought they were mindless, but now i have good use for them. i'll be editing this post when i find a few more of that bitterness in us. waha.

hello world, i'm coming

2007-02-07T00:03:00.000+08:00

what a day today. this morning in psych class, group three reported about multiple intelligence. nothing really exciting about that, but i was touched by what my classmate jaffy sang in class (his own composition, and he sings very well). can't really remember the exact lyrics, but it goes on something like this: nasaktan kita, pero yakap mo pa ri'y nadarama. ouch man. no, not me ouch, but him ouch. touche to you.

i feel wonderful today, as if something magical really happened the whole day. not to mention that i started my day wrong by waking up late and rushing to class to submit a paper but getting caught in traffic because of a small fire in the corner of a busy intersection. i feel the wonderful feeling of setting myself free, and letting myself be (yak corny). but truthfully, i feel happy today,

just came home from up batangan's musikapestival. i'm really hyper since i just got a taste of their very delicious kapeng barako, and can't sleep. that barako is how coffee should taste like! strong, rich in flavor, hot, but not too bitter. haha. i love coffee. i'll buy that batangas coffee so i can just pop it into my coffeemaker. it's going to be so good, since our house smells warm and cozy when we brew coffee.

i have news: i have a date next week for the UP feb fair. yay! won't disclose all details here, but if anything happens, i'll probably write about it later on. haha. he's cute, and i'm looking forward to the date next week. should i dress up (casually, of course), or simply go rugged? i'm not really sure what to wear. but times like these call for my best option: be the pretty me, of course! haha. hangin.

i'm hoping to post again soon. i'm keeping my fingers from typing any more excruciating words of the pains of heartbreak. i'm trying. at least. it's not really fair that he feels he's still the star of this blog. I am the star of this blog. one day i'll even wonder why i posted about him in this blog in the first place. three years down the drain, and i'm not complaining anymore. still trying, and praying, and keeping my fingers crossed from dialling. haha.

jig rocks

2007-02-05T13:49:00.000+08:00

came home from jig yesterday at 3.30 am. whatta night. and to think myk, norries, ares, john, and every other bosconian i know still believes that the jay-mariel fans club is still rocking. that's so four years ago naman.

so anyway. kamikazee rocks! it was the first time i saw them on concert, and they're so fun to see live. no, won't buy their cd, i'd rather splurge my moolah on tix so i'd see them perform live always. they're funny, and according to their vocalist, kinky. it's the first time i actually enjoyed a band live. waha.

i like what jay contreras shouted out to all girls there: ayoko sa inyo mga sexy kayo. nananakit lang kayo.

hahaha. i hate sexy men too. mga bading kayo. nananakit kayo. (refer to my friend ilia's conclusion on her recent post in her blog here.)

seems like most of the men i crush on are gay. it would go like this:

mariel: (whispering) uy, tinan mo yun. cute.
female friend: san?
mariel: ayun ayun ayun. padaan. sa kaliwa mo.
female friend: nyeh, day, bading yan.
mariel: pano mo alam?
female friend: eh, nakikita mo yun? boyfriend nya yun.
mariel: anu ba yan. sayang.
female friend: what's new?

worse, these gays' boyfriends are also just as sexy. amp naman (thinking bubble popping out of nowhere. hm. papa piolo and sam milby...). why do they have to be in the same market? i don't want a fag for a bf, but i also do not want a horsefaced, beerbellied creature humping in bed. is that too much to ask? you gays are so selfish. hahaha.

i enjoyed kamikazee so much, i'll see them again in the UP fair next week. i'm hoping to blow a kiss to jay contreras for making me feel so powerful that i can hurt a man with just a wink in a his direction. hahahahaha. my head's going to blow up in bits for this.

thanks to ares for inviting me to the jig this year. it's so nice to go out and have fun after weeks of slaving my life to this computer. i'm tied to you, pc babe. ironically, i can hear britney's putrid i'm a slave 4 u. too bad i don't have a webcam when i do pole dancing. kidding. no, i don't pole dance, or i haven't found a man to pole dance to, since after finding out they're fags. ha!

and because my orgmate john liked this pic, i'll post it. hahaha. show the world your smile, girl.

kisses to 'kazee. you rocked.

death by coffee

2007-01-28T02:18:00.001+08:00

i have to make this post quick since i still need to finish my part of the review of literature we would need for our paper and it's already 2:18 am. and to all my friends in the blogosphere: i'm really sorry for not commenting or at least tagging your blog, but i still read your posts. promise.

i love my coffee, and i love it in various ways. it's just like sex: at times you want it strong, at times you feel like going for mild, sometimes you want it sweet, and sometimes you want it with different toppings. some people go only for one flavor. but in the many different tastes i want my coffee, i always want it hot. haha.

i surprised myself by listening to my chem class, and i'm now taking notes, which, before our first exam, i didn't care to do.

i learned in chem that caffeine, like many other substances, has its own lethal dose. lethal dose is the weight of poison per unit body weight, which, when translated, means that only a certain amount of a substance can kill you. each individual, because of difference in body weight, has his or her own lethal dose of a substance.

which goes on to say that everything is poisonous, it only depends on how much you take. some subtances, like botox, need only a microgram of intake for it to kill you (read: botox, when injested, can kill a person. and when they say it is used to flatten wrinkles on your face, it only deadens your facial muscles. by disintegrating the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, it causes muscle paralysis, which, i think, is baaaaad). so i never really believed in botox. when i'm happy, i want to show my laugh lines. and when i'm angry i'd rather show it on my face instead of other people getting clueless of how i feel. as what any grandparent would say: one wrinkle on your face is one unforgettable moment in your life.

okay, back to coffee. the lethal dose of caffeine is 0.15 grams of coffee per kilogram of body weight. i'm about 49 kilograms, so it means that i would need about 7.35 grams of caffeine to kill me.

no, the 7.35 grams of coffee isn't in just one cup. since an average cup has about 50-200 mg of coffee, it would take an estimate of 50-200 cups for me to get to heaven (or go to hell). if i take my coffee strong, it probably would be around just less than a hundred cups to kill me.

i'm not suicidal, i usually have one cup a day. or two. or three when life gets hectic.

lethal dosage also explains why it's so easy for thin people or children to get killed by intake of a poisonous substance than for fat people. so it doesn't hold true na masamang binhi ay madaling mamatay. for poison, it's always how much you take.

so for those suicidal ones who drank poison and are still alive, it just means you're fat. hahaha.

i'm not encouraging anyone to drink poison or anything. just wanted to share, because there's always a threshold of how much your body can take. everything can be potentially harmful if taken too much (and it also means i have to cut down on my chocolate intake. but wait, i'm not a dog. hahaha).

yes, it's true that too much of something is harmful. so stop binge eating. hahaha.

(disclaimer: i'm not an expert or anything of this, just an attentive student. yah right. so instead of reading about my babbles, ask you doctor about lethal dose of substances.)

2007-01-24T12:36:00.000+08:00

"i never thought that by you building a new life and making new friends, i would be shut into a corner closet."

mariel, january 22, 2006. sinking again.

"whenever possible print a woman's age." -- arthur christiansen

2007-01-23T19:00:00.000+08:00

Ang. Tan. Da. Ko. Na. (chinese names, perhaps?)

nothing else reminds you of your own (im)maturity and mortality than when you realize graduation is getting near. and you're not part of it.

waaah. since i transferred into this course i am currently taking now, my expected year of graduation has also been moved, two years at that. my younger sister will even be graduating earlier than i will.

i feel so much older when i realize that the upcat results are already in, and i will be greeting the new freshmen welcome. for that matter: how many batches of freshmen have i greeted welcome? guess the correct answer and you'll know my age.

but aside from my ranting about the circumstances which i can no longer have control over, i am happy about transferring into this course. i still get to write, one of my arduous passions, and i find fulfillment in what i do. i get to learn so much about people and the social world. i get to have a deeper understanding of what they perceive, and i get to be guided through what they think. i would not have felt all of this had i not followed my parents' wishes.

speaking about the upcat, there's a certain kind of high that one feels when one passes it. i can still remember that day (so many aeons ago) when i received that text message from my friend that i had passed. that day, i was in the front passenger seat of a taxi. i was in davao. and i bumped my head onto the window in excitement.

i didn't really bother to look at the list of passers since i didn't think i'd get in. only a handful of our batch passed, not even our valedictorian did. and to think i wasn't even an honorable mention. i realized i was so lucky to be given this break.

but i won't bother declaring to all the people in the blogosphere what year i passed the upcat. i feel really old when people ask my batch, even though some mambobolas would tell me i don't look it. haha.

a pending issue within the up community now are the tuition and other fee increases that will (i think) take effect this coming school year. a price on the head of education. i hope that so many who passed into up will still enrol in up, even with the increase in tuition fees.

also, it's nearing the student council elections. a shout out to our cmc representative karol yee for this successful year. he's so great at being our rep, and he always keeps us posted about news and events within and outside the college.

i'll wrap up my boring post today, but before that: Congratulations to all the upcat passers! Congrats to those who passed in diliman. Hope to see you in campus next academic year!

taking another step through the bridge

2007-01-21T04:16:00.000+08:00

wow naman. two posts in one season.

i'd like to publicly thank my friend hilda and my friend dana who, with painstaking patience, guided me and listened to my rants throughout this breakup. thanks, you bruhahas. i love you. >hugs<

i told my friend dana that, on the third day right after the break up, i'm not bitter anymore. that's quite a lie, since there are still flashes of drama queen "why, oh why??" at certain lonely moments.

but yes, time can heal. i'm still hoping for that time. hilda advised me that usually it's for the best although i may not realize it as yet, so that i may focus my time and my efforts on what i really want to do instead of wasting them on him who doesn't really value it as much.

now, i don't really have that much time for myself. i'm fully loaded with schoolwork, just like the way it was before i met him. am i just filling my time so i won't have to think about him? it's obvious, very, but at least i feel i have accomplished something that furthers my pseudo-academic career.

i'm partial to missing him, but i can probably say i want to move on from here. it's not that i don't want any attachments; i still want him in my life, but if he doesn't want me in his, why should i bother?

i'm getting better each day. and hopefully getting less uglier without the eye bags. haha. if i have to be thrown out of my comfortable fish bowl into the big, cruel pond, i may as well have a catch, right?

i'm not hoping for rebounds, as it is, i'm still on the shaky footbridge across the ravine to completely heal. maybe i might need a hand to help me across, or maybe someone is waiting on the other side, who knows? i'm not really sure.

at times i think, what if one day he comes back to me? will i let him? i'm not really sure. may be. may be not. i will have to think about that.

we're still friends, but by being labelled as friends really ticks me, since it's like putting a white picket fence around a toxic industrial site. even though it may seem incomprehensible, letting myself talk to him helps me sink all of it in that we're not the "we" anymore.

i'm afraid that the day will come that he will have another girl who will hold his hand and who will share all his secrets and dreams. i used to be that girl, so should i have a say on who he would date in the future? (so conceited me, i think i have a legacy that should be lived up to. hahahaha.)

i'm also afraid that i might one day realize he's not really the one for me. let's face it: i still love him. for so long i thought he was the one. i wanted him to be that one i'll be with till i lie on my deathbed (nu ba? corny). so i can't picture just anyone taking his place. it has to be someone who will keep me.

so maybe i am hoping for him to come back. or maybe i am hoping for that someone to come in my life to ease me from this feeling.

i'm getting tired of posting lovey-dovey mindless chatter about him and this breakup, but it's what's on my mind, nearly most of my waking hours. i'll get over it one day. not today however. i'll be writing and writing and writing and writing about it until i get sick of it. like he got sick of me. i'll tire and bore myself of writing under the label heartbreak until i could no longer type the putrid corny words.

even then, i admire him. i'm saying this more to myself just so i'll feel better. i admire him for resisting the feeling of missing me. i'm not easily forgotten. i dug a ditch (no, a valley) deep into his life that it'll take him more than just alzheimer's and the damage to his hippocampus to forget me.

cafe lifestyle

2007-01-21T03:02:00.000+08:00

i'm not one to hang out at starbucks or figaro or anywhere that resembles a quasi-reading-slash-studying-slash-chillin'-lounge. i'm not one to sit down at small tables and bring a book with me while i sip coffee and (pretend to) scan the pages and try to focus on the text in front of my eyes.

but i like my coffee with biscuits or cake. my coffee depends on my mood--sometimes mild, sometimes sweet, sometimes black, sometimes brimming with cream. i like brewed better than stirred instant ones (of course), and i like colombian better than java (but arabian coffee beans have really powerful, enticing scents). and barako is always best with pan y mantequilla (or queso, depends on whom you ask). hehe. i love the smell of brewing beans. heck, i just love the smell of the beans by themselves.

i don't like the ambience of coffee shops, but i have to admit, i adore their taste in music. being a smooth jazz fan who was introduced to jazz late in life, i just love the music in cafes. smooth sounds of sax and piano make me think, "where have my ears been all this time when they played this music?"

(and since i love this music, i decided to share it with you guys. enjoy the jazzy sounds. i particularly love brian culbertson, and his rendition of i wanna know with kirk whalum is so sexy. his song 'our love' is also just as sensual, which reminds me so much of kilig-chivalric-dime novel-hero.

but pondering on this while sitting in front of my laptop and drinking coffee at 3:46 in the morning, i think, i would have loved to sit down at cafes to hang out and relax. i like the music, i like the smell, but most of all, i love coffee.

so what's stopping me?

well, speaking for someone who values their caffeine very much, coffee is overpriced, overrated, and undervalued. yes, well, that seems irrational.

it seems that if i want to get that brewed caffeine i really crave for, i have to stab my pocket. which shouldn't be the case, when i could just buy beans from the grocery store and make the rich coffee by myself. haha.

don't think too much about my ranting. it's just that it's nearing 4 am and i'm still on this computer, trying to figure out how to critique this really good research paper without dissecting it piece by piece.

i rely on coffee to keep me up during those late nights when i really need to finish my school work and school papers. it used to be cigarettes, but caffeine is less potent of the two health hazards.

my mom tells me i should keep from drinking coffee right about everyday. i have migraines (ever since i was twelve, i'm so old!) and caffeine is really bad for it. and my craving for chocolates doesn't help that either! as they say, masarap ang bawal.

and finally, finally, i have cancelled my friendster account. i may post a new friendster account soon, but not really. i'm not counting on it.

third degree burns

2007-01-14T23:11:00.000+08:00

one of my former blocmates in elbi recently posted something about relationships (particularly hers). i don't know why, but many of her words touch me, mostly because i can relate.

i'm still trying to stand up on my own and be brave. it's really not easy knowing that he can ease me out of his life while here i am still trying to cope with everything.

i borrowed this post, not because i'm inviting future bf's, but because i feel it talks about who i am and what i feel. i still feel angry at him and at myself at times, for doing so many wrong things that ruined the relationship, but mostly i'm angry at myself for not having the courage to keep my head up high.

i blamed myself for letting him get to me, for letting him hurt me that i had to drown myself in unforgiving loads just not to feel the hurt. i'm so stupid. i blame myself for giving too much, because i thought that was what he wanted. i thought i gave him what he wanted, because i want him to be happy. i was wrong completely.

-----

An invitation to future boyfriends

Someone told me "I love you" today. It's ironic coz all I ever wanted is to be loved and now that someone's confessing that he does love me, I am refusing it. Why I'm not the "perfect" girlfriend:
-I'm stupid.
-I still love my first boyfriend.
-I am incapable of learning from my pasts.
-I'm confused.
-I have tons of problems. You wouldn't want to hear them. Trust me.
-I cry a lot.
-I am super sensitive.
-I am a green-eyed monster.
-I am matampuhin.
-I tend to be demanding.
-I tend to be illogical.
-I easily give up.
-I am mataray and masungit.
-I'm a bitch. (You judge me.)

Still want me to be your girlfriend? Here's more.
-I am caring. (too caring.. negative)
-I am too malambing and sweet. (nakakauta)
-I love hugs and kisses. (very physical?)
-I love deeply. (my mistake)
-I don't know how to let go. (true)
-Madali akong pagsawaan. (very true)
-I'm just the ordinary, typical kind of girlfriend.
...
I want to love and be loved. I'm not hoping for my first boyfriend to come back. He's out of the picture, believe me. But I will be choosy this time. Very choosy. This does not solely go for you (i know you're reading this.). This post is for all those who wanted their lives to be in chaos like mine.

-----

one day i know i'll make a good girlfriend for someone. i don't want it to be soon. but still i don't want to be this lonely. heck, i'm drowning myself in schoolwork and late nights and i still feel depressed.

i used to think i was The girlfriend for him, the girl in his life. but suddenly i'm not anymore. he's so incapable of letting someone care for him and he doesn't know how to cherish what he has. there, i said it. it doesn't make me feel any better, but at least i'm honest.

just this past week he told me (online) that he loved me and he sent kisses my way. can he just stop messing with my head? kung mahal mo ko, panindigan mo. kung hindi mo kayang panindigan, huwag mo na lang sabihin. huwag mo na lang guluhin ang utak ko. that's probably the first time i've written something in filipino in this blog, and it quite captures what should be said.

there's no telling when this cycle of hatred will cease. gawd, i'm so freaking corny. i don't think i can ever love someone as much as i did him. there, i said it. stupid, ain't it.

i thought nobody could ever be like him, that no one could ever measure up to him. i looked up to him, i sought his advice and his comfort, i was proud of him and what he could achieve. he made me happy, and for me that's what matters.

my friend told me that this will really take time. healing from break-ups take time. i want it to heal, Now! but how can i, when all i think about are those what-ifs i might have? what if i let him go completely, just in time he realizes that he truly does not want me out of his life?

how did i ever become so terribly blind. i wish all of this is gone: no more highway emotions. the word for this? burned.

hopefully the day will come when i would have purged all my tears. still hoping. maybe one day i'll find someone like him, or better than him, but i'm not really hoping.

16,000 free footsteps closer to heal

2007-01-07T14:49:00.000+08:00

i'm completely afraid of being literally left alone by myself because my thoughts swim deep and now i'm immersed in my own flood of weakness.

i don't know any place else where i could put this, so now i'm writing. hopefully it can purge me. catharsis please.

breaking up is never really easy. especially if you've been together for almost three years. i can't really imagine myself not being with that person, because i shared with him so much of my life that i can't untangle myself from the web of his world. he is such a mess. i am in a worse mess than he is in now. i thought i could help him straighten out and fill in the cracks and become a better person, but he made me realize i can't because he doesn't really want to.

i thought i could make a person complete just by loving him and being myself with him. i tried to give him everything, but everything has been my mistake.

i thought his promises were enough to kindle this relationship, but they are all just promises.

i gave too much of myself, i realize that now. i gave him so much of me that he became sick of it.

it's just too much when i give more than what he can afford to give me.

i asked for too much from myself, and too much from him.

i can say i'm getting used to not having him around, but mostly because i have other people and other things around me who make me feel that i'm not alone.

it's not easy waking up one day unsure of how it will go as i tread an unknown path without the familiarity of the world i've known for so long. everyday as i wake up the only thing i'm sure of is that i miss him. awfully. terribly.

humanity has learned and healed from broken hearts but it never had the exact instruction how. maybe we are made to feel these things because the world reminds us that we are human.

i can simply walk away from these feelings and never again look back and regret what may have been. and i'll walk away, far away, to some paradise, but slowly, as he might catch up.

%so easy to love, so hard to heal%

a not-so-bulilit mind

2007-01-04T21:38:00.000+08:00

happy new year to all!

i'm quite happy about the new year and all that, and i hope this year will be a blast for me. hehe.

so what's new?

a new perspective on lovelife, for one thing. i'm starting to like not having a bf around, although i must say i miss him a lot, like missing talking and laughing with a best buddy. (bruha, if you're reading this, text me *wink*wink*).

also, i mentioned in my previous post a preview of the research paper my group and i are currently working on. embarking on a new journey in media. haha.

in techie terms, we're hoping to do a reception analysis of kids, aged 7 - 12 years, who watch Goin' Bulilit. basically it means that we want to know what kids think of the show, what feelings do they have on the issues that are presented, what values they get and learn from it, and so forth. Although Goin' Bulilit is a gag show, one can argue that not all the values, the issues, the current events that are portrayed are necessarily for kids. most of the time, the show has to do with the currents, the media, and the issues that adults are exposed to.

most often, people take for granted what children think about the world around them. this paper is hopefully a glance into what children think about shows that are supposedly for them. by kids simply giving the responses instead of the adults who frequently answer for them, we can get at least an honest truth about their perspectives.

after that, hopefully we can also get parents' views. if we have the time, that is, since it's a very limited resource, since this is a one semester thing.

two semesters ago we did a research paper on QTV, and last semester on radio promotion strategies, and i really hope that even with my limited experience in the broadcast media, i can still breeze you through what (at least i think it is) is an interesting taste of the audience's opinions.

btw, we're doing this qualitatively, meaning we won't be binding ourselves to surveys and such. haha.

sounds like much hashish at the start, but once the ball starts rolling, it's going to be a good game.

post-script. one day (if i have the time), i'll put up a different blog based solely on research work. topics will mostly be about media and communication. gawd, let me have time. haha.

rewiring my circuits

2006-12-27T02:42:00.000+08:00

later comes the year ahead.

why can't i procrastinate time, and tell it, "come back later, when i'm up to doing stuff. i feel like lazing around today, so don't come today, okay?"

sooner comes the year.

gawd. can't believe it's already near! i'm also turning another year older this 2007 (of an age i won't admit, of course). my older cousins joked that you'll know you're getting older when you receive lesser and lesser presents at reunions every year, from loads of plastic bags to one bag to an armful to a handful.

my batchmates are graduating, and i'm still left stuck in school. so many wonderful semesters ahead.

i don't want the year to some yet. it's like death. i'm not yet ready. so many things i still want to do in 2006 but so little time! i'm cramming my end of the year, because i lazed through 2006.

okay, maybe not lazed through. but still.

so here i introduce myself (which i probably should have done a long time ago). i'm a researcher. i look into the meanings and makings of people and society. haha. i want to know what you know, what you think, what you can and can't do, and what you feel about the things around you. basically that sums it up.

i want to learn about you.

i have done a mighty fine job of breezing through research papers without really realizing the worth it has for me, for the treasure of knowledge i could gain. hopefully i won't be like that again this year.

i want to connect with people through what they know, what they think, and what they feel. i want to know so i can better understand, and through my understanding i could make other people learn through my writings and papers.

wow, in a few short moments of introspection i'm finally enlightened on my raison d'etre. hahaha.

i am not much of a maker of resolutions, as i don't really try. also, this is not a resolution, but a new outlook in life. i'd like to publish here my papers, findings, analyses, or writings. i'm not letting go of the daytime musings i have, but hopefully i can share with you insights into humanity (with scientific/social scientific basis, of course!). and hopefully i won't bore you, as the research process can be a total bore if the final analysis and results have been presented. haha.

but now, since it's still not 2007, i'm back to regular programming, and off to finish homework before classes open next week.

coming soon: what really do kids think about boys in skirts?

snow cones

2006-12-21T13:33:00.000+08:00

as i was getting listess and couldn't post something worthwhile in this blog, i thought of sharing this short sudden fiction i wrote for a class a while back. it saves me time to write, plus i only have to copy-paste. haha. the setting is right for this season, but i don't know what this fiction means to everybody else, so please comment. hehe. merry christmas to everybody!

________

When she saw the ice on the cone with the red sparkles on them, her eyes misted in memory of her favorite sweet when she was four years old. It was only then that she remembered that bright red color on the white ball of snow.

It was January, and the decorations of the past Christmas still hung on the walls outside the houses of the neighbors. They were taking down their decorations that weekend, with her father at the top of the ladder holding the large parol.

His head was above the parol and he smiled at her. “How do I look Monnie?”

“You look silly, Dad. Really silly. The star is too big for you.”

“Is that so? Then I’ll wear the smaller parol, the one you made in school last November.”

“Ha ha ha, that’s too small, even for your head.”

“But I like that parol.”

“I hate that parol, Daddy, it’s too green.”

By now, her father was trying to climb down the ladder with the big parol of yellow, red, blue, and green. That parol used to sparkle a thousand lights during the evenings, the colors dancing with the stars, parading its luminescence across the neighborhood.

“Hey, Monnie, hold on to the ladder, will you? I’m going to come down now.”

“Okay, Daddy, but please wait a small while. I’m trying to get my hand out of this knot.”

The lights that hung around their house cost them a fortune in electric bills, but it was a pleasure to her father to see her gleam at the sight of those dancing little orbs, the brightest of which hung in the very middle outside the house.

“I’m holding on to the ladder now, okay.”

Monica couldn’t see her father’s face now, because it was covered by the large parol he was holding. Only his hands were visible.

No snow rained in the suburbs of this country, but whenever Monica sees the lights she remembers the song White Christmas because it was frequently played on the radio during the –ber months.

“I’m coming down, I’m going down. Okay, I’m going down.”

Daddy fell. He fell backwards onto Monnie. He fell to the ground.

And Monnie saw her father’s red blood on the white skirt she was wearing. His bright, pretty, red blood on the white, like Santa Claus in the snow. His head landed on her lap.

Her mother, by this time, had rushed out the door, calling her. “Monnie! What happened?”

“Daddy? Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, dear, just a scratch.” Her father got up. He kissed Monnie on the forehead. “My little angel, what would I do without you?”

Monica, by now, didn’t remember what happened after that. She didn’t remember that her father needed stitches and fractured an arm while she sat quietly in the hospital corridor.

What she did remember, though, was her first snow cone they got right after.

11 things i'd like to have for christmas

2006-12-13T13:38:00.000+08:00

i can feel the cold breezes at night--it's really nearing christmas!

because i feel like a kid now, i'm writing my christmas wish list and hopefully santa hops along and gives me at least one in this list (as long as i keep from being naughty... hehe).

11 things i'd like to have for christmas

a brian culbertson album and/or a chris botti album - i was introduced to smooth jazz through my brother jj and the trumpeteer chris botti. when i heard brian culbertson, i fell in love. there's always something romantic or sensuous about his compositions. i feel giddy and romantic and inspired when i put on his music as i study. oooh. his music always make me think of tall, dark-eyed, sexy gentlemen, or lunch picnics outside in the sun, or lilies, or all of them at once. chris botti's music is more sensual, and still reminds me of sexy gentlemen, but scenes of candlelit dinners, midnight rendevouz, and long-stemmed roses comes to mind.
an aquarium full of ciclids - these fishes are like dogs--they would follow my finger whenever i tap the top of the aquarium. i think it's a reflex from thinking that fingers bring fish food. they're really cute, i hope they never grow large. hehe. and having an aquarium really soothes me, one thing i need during hell days.
a ~~recorder~~ - i've been wooing my dad for this. the old recorder is already broken, and this recorder is more of a need, especially when i do interviews and focus group discussions (my dad just bought me one last weekend! woohoo! thanks, dadi).
a GC for shoe shopping (no, make that a shoe-shopping spree) - every girl loves shoe shopping! i've been eyeing the pair of red peep-toe wedges as a gift for myself this christmas. and the kitten-heeled tan sandals i saw last week are really pretty. if i had my way, i'd buy them all! wasn't it imelda who said, "when they opened my closet, thankfully they saw shoes, not skeletons."
a weekend trip to palawan - and immerse myself in all the beauty of creation. i absolutely adore beaches. kel, who comes from zambales, thinks nothing of it. he says i'd be bored if all my gimiks are limited to resorts and nearby beachfronts. i love beaches! for someone like me who lived all her life in the city (and not knowing the life in the province, since i never had one), that would be bliss. make that a whole-week trip to palawan. i'd like to go hiking, too!
a box of samba - ooh, everytime i'm in AS, i drop by the store at the AS walk and buy loads of samba. i like samba better than other chocolates. i feel really good inside when i munch on it. it tastes so good that i know i could live on it. need i say more? hehe.
the talent to sing - what i would give so i can learn how to sing without scaring anyone off. i truly believe i wasn't gifted with music, or even the ear for music, so i can at least sing in tune. and even if i take lessons (which i did, but never finished), i'd never develop it. *sigh*
my very own photo-shoot - haha. dolled up in so many fancy clothes, make-up, end everything else? why wouldn't i want that? be like a star! hahaha.
mernel's chocolate cake - one of the things that i missed in my elbi days. mernels. so chocolatey-thick. so rich. yumyum. kel and i used to eat one small cake while we hung out at the carabao park, while we chat or while he strums on a guitar and i listen. i miss those days. i miss mernels. haha.
a puppy - i wish i had a terrier. and i hope my dad would allow me to keep it. i'd probably pamper it, dress it up, brush its hair whenever i could, and feed it so much it'd be obese. hehe. kidding. i really want a terrier.
a digicam - if i'm in santa claus land i'd probably be asking for the sony dsc-n2, which costs 6x more than my one semester tuition fee. so i'm wishing for the dsc-s500. it's just as good, though not necessarily as costly but with lesser features. bah, what i want is simply its function: something to take digital pictures with to share with my friends and family. hehe.

selling water at sunken grandstand

2006-12-09T23:48:00.000+08:00

what i thought would be a normal medical mission day turned out to be one of those notable, almost-embarrassing-but-not-quite, learning experiences in UP.

okay, here goes. i didn't wake up to the ear-splitting sound of my alarm, so i was really late when my mom came up to my room to wake me up. i had to rush to buy ice for the cooler to keep the bottles of water cold. we were supposed to sell water at the medical mission, for a little fund-raiser, but when i got there, many patients already finished with their medical exams and only few were left to sell water to (and that was still 7.30 in the morning!).

i was getting worried that we wouldn't be able to sell at least half of those water bottles. it would be a waste of effort, time, money. and i can't store this much water, what would i do with this? what would the org do with this, anyway?a few people bought water from us, but we didn't anticipate that many of the patients would be bringing their own baon.

it was nearing 11 am and i was getting desperate. we have to sell the water. no more patients were coming.

i had the idea of selling the water at the nearby tianggian, just beside the parish. so we carried bottles of water (my companions jason and chris hauled the cooler) to the tianggian, only to find out that there weren't too many shoppers, and potential buyers of water.

i told them, why don't we go to the sunken garden? most probably more people would be walking around than in the tianggian. so we hauled the cooler and the water again, took a jeepney ride to vinzons. amae, one of my companions, even tried to sell water to the passengers, but most of them just grinned and chuckled at us.

yep, we were there. i had to muster the courage, charm, and guts to sell water to strangers. it was like jumping inside a well--i wouldn't know how it feels and what it is until i really did it.

at first, we tried to sell the water wholesale to vendors, but they were already selling water, and it came by delivery. ooh, i wanted to give up, because who in the world would buy from us? and isn't selling here without a permit illegal?

but the very customers we wanted were right there in sunken: playing and running in the field like fishes swimming in a pond. we just had to go fishing to reel in our catch. hehe. football players were practicing and playing in sunken.

so we brought our water to sunken grandstand. we conquered a small corner for ourselves. as i learned, location is vital to a business, and we have to bring our products to where our comsumers could easily get them, right? and we would be the nearest water-sellers to them than all our other competition if we stay there, since vendors were teeming all over the place.

peddling water to strangers isn't such an easy task as i thought it would be, after all. i told myself, kaya ko 'to, ano pa bang hindi ko kaya?

i smiled (with all the charm i could gather), carried two bottles of water in my hand, walked up to strangers, and announced, "tubig po. ten pesos lang. pwede pa ang discount." and sweetly tried to peddle and sell like it was my life.

a girl was oblivious that i would be selling so cheap, because these are branded absolute. i told her we just wanted to sell. and she asked how much i would give the water to her if she bought eight. i said, "sige, bili ka ng pito libre isa." that makes p8.75 each. bless her, she did buy seven bottles. i was elated. this is a good omen.

i peddled to the football players, and some i joked with. but it wasn't break time, and some haven't even started playing yet, so one told me, "bumalik kayo 'pag gumagapang na sila."

many of the football players brought along their own water. but the some who didn't, bought from us. during breaks and after they played, we were selling like hotcakes.

and i didn't realize how much thirsty they got after playing until i saw how many one would buy at a time: two or three bottles, every break. what an experience. in just about two hours, we sold out. one even remarked that we should come back at 1.30. but we had no more water to sell, and we would be tired by then.

in the end, we earned even more than what we thought we could. i don't want to count figures in public, but we underestimated how much we could earn.

we joked among ourselves, if this was so lucrative, why don't we come back every weekend? we could even add gatorade, extra joss, rush, etc., to our list of products. haha.

this experience taught me that in business, patience is a virtue. waiting for two hours just to sell every bottle of water we had don't amount to much after we sold out. and the bonding experience was something else, too. i shared jokes while we were waiting for someone to buy from us, and near-tears when i thought we couldn't sell even just one bottle, with my friends.

and does counting cute football players count, too? hehe.

my template is back!

2006-12-09T00:28:00.000+08:00

yahooo! with a little tinkering, it's finally back in order. hehehe...
i panicked for no reason.
i'm now off to sleep. med mission tomorrow at UP (or later today? it's nearing dawn), and have to be there really early.

my old skin is gone!

2006-12-08T08:48:00.000+08:00

something happened to my old blog skin (waaaaaaaahuhuhuhu) and i hate it.
*sanipriya crying*
i reverted back to the old skin, but of course i'd like to think the last one was better.
huhuhu. why did this happen?
i want the last one back. huhuhu...

ranting

2006-12-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

wtf!? i just wrote a new post and when i published it, only the first line was there! where in hell did my post go?

oh forget it. anyway it's just trash.

tomorrow or on friday i'd like to see happy feet, hope it's still in theaters. dreamgirls is also getting good reviews, and eddie murphy might be up for an oscar for that. i'd like to see jennifer hudson (she was in american idol way back), too!

was it three weeks ago that people mag named (yet again) george clooney sexiest man alive? ooh, brad pitt did a payback for that by putting up this ad in variety:

just goes to show that even sexy men once needed makeovers. hehe.

these animals' quest for pleasure

2006-11-27T16:38:00.000+08:00

i have just finished typing a paper for my psych101 class of a critique of an article so absurdingly titled The Animals with the Weirdest Sex Life.

in brief (get it? in brief? oh crap how corny), the article talks about how different our sex lives are from the animals. we do it in private instead of being proud like the dogs and other animals that do it in public. we have sex for recreation, not for reproduction, and mate even during the female's infertile period or even when the female has passed menopause and can no longer reproduce. also, quite different from animals is that we stay with our mates even after reproduction, unlike the animals that separate after fertilizing the female.

oh, i can very well say that some animals do leave females after impregnating them. i'm pertaining to humans.

i don't want to delve into what i wrote in the whole paper. i'm simply glad it's over. now i'm off to studying for two quizzes tomorrow, one for chem, and one for psych.

coffee to keep me up while i burn my eyebrows. hehe.

being pathetic, part 2

2006-11-27T11:00:00.000+08:00

i'm so pathetic.

i'm here staring into my computer, typing away the emptiness, hoping it will go away. pouring myself into a blog that i can blindly believe is my friend will be futile.

i want to stop crying now. please? i need the closure very badly, because i can't go on hanging on to something i can't have anymore. i can't have you anymore.

i want to go on without treading blindly. if i must tread the path alone, so be it. if we must start over, so be it. but i can't hang on to his words telling me to wait until every obstacle in his path is cleared. i can't hang on to him as his friend, because i know that slowly what we have will die away with time, and being with him while the embers of the fire are gradually going up in smoke is choking me. i can't have him falling out of love with me while i pretend to be his friend.

i don't want to give him up, but if it means that i must, for the more significant parts of his life, then i must. but just because i must doesn't mean i can. i can hope to try.

i must go on, like the small lifeboat must find the shore after the ship has sunk. i can't watch the ship beneath the sea hoping the wreck after the storm will be undone. i must survive the water and paddle until i get on land. what good will it do, anyway, when all i want is to stay with the wreck?

where are you? have you fallen beneath the waters?

2006-11-26T19:05:00.000+08:00

a friend sent me this message a while ago which i think is nice to share:

"Love has no room for selfish people who think only of themselves. If we have been too busy with our work, or have been kept by our distorted priorities, then it's about time that we stop for a while and think about the people who we might have stepped on and taken for granted...

"Love is not forever. Let us not wait too long to appreciate those who have unselfishly given it to us, for all that may be left tomorrow are just the bitter and cold memories of someone who loved too much, but was never loved enough..."

i hope i may be given enough time to love and appreciate the people in my life now, because i may never have another life to love them again.

when the heart breaks

2006-11-26T15:45:00.000+08:00

should i hold on to something i know isn't there anymore?

maybe by holding on, i still have hope that it would never be gone. or am i simply deluding myself from the feeling that what used to be just isn't there?

i get hurt everytime he tells me he still does love me but shows me otherwise. it's not hate. it's the indifference i can't stand.

i must have done something that blew the flame from the candle. but the white-gray smoke puffed up into the air i still try to collect and keep, which is ultimately impossible. summing up corny metaphors isn't the solution to this heartache.

i keep on getting hurt while i hold on, trying to keep alive what little that is left. my feelings aren't enough to keep this relationship above the water. i'm sinking.

the situation is no-win either. if i let go, i break in pieces. but if i hold on, i feel like i'm trying to push my head into the eye of a needle, i'm forcing myself into his life when i feel that he doesn't want me there anymore.

it's like a person giving the news that a loved one died--it's hard to sink in. he just doesn't love you like he used to.

he used to look at me as if i'm the only one for him, with puppy-dog eyes and bunny smiles. but when he looks at me now, he doesn't see me. he looks through me, as if i'm not there and he would rather have me not there.

hope still survives this relationship, that maybe tomorrow he'll tell you different. maybe tomorrow he'll remember how it feels. maybe tomorrow he'll treat you the way he did then. maybe tomorrow he'll realize how much you hurt. maybe tomorrow...

i hold on like the child holding on to the thought that Santa will be coming at midnight bearing presents, and come morning the joy will be overwhelming with a wonderful day of toys, food, family, and friends. but Santa isn't real.

i hold on simply because i can't face tomorrow. i don't know what it holds for me. would i miss him like i do now? i miss him terribly even if we're together, because he isn't with me. i lost him to the more significant parts of his life.

i love him so much that i'm willing to wait for him to remember what we used to have, even if it means i'm going to tread through unknown waters. i love him so much i can't stand it when he gets angry with me. i love him so much that i hate him for hurting me without him knowing how much.

my mother, if she knew about this, would have told me that someone who doesn't love me like i should be loved isn't worthy of an ounce of my affections.

i hold on to the hope that maybe one day he will tell me i'm all wrong, but instead, his actions tell me that i'm right: he isn't there anymore.

the turistas

2006-11-20T18:15:00.000+08:00

and still more pictures. hehe.

turista-looking in front of graumann's chinese theater

johnny depp's footprints and handprints! jahanydef!!!

america-ish background (big bear lake, with lola and tita beth)

pretty julia as a princess on halloween... and her minions: peacock mariel, lion joanne, and schnoop doggie dog dog mark. (thanks to ate margaux's face painting!)

tita corito's and tito freddy's mountain cabin, with very young ladies crowding in front. hehe...

reagan presidential library, big bear, and halloween

2006-11-20T16:58:00.000+08:00

at long last, i now have pictures with me!

At the fountain in front of the Reagan Library

Big Bear Lake... with Uncle Freddy acting silly at the camera

Kuya Gio teaching me how to carve pumpkins

In front of a part of what used to be the Berlin Wall

A replica of a bear at Discovery in Big Bear... and me trying to replicate it.

halloween, hollywood, and home

2006-11-13T10:07:00.000+08:00

i've been trying to delay writing here since last week before i came home. on the fast track, we went to downtown disney with kuya gio and steph and the kids. i miss them already. we had fun building a bear and hopefully i could come back next year.

i didn't really like hollywood as much, because behind the glitz and glamour is really something else. walking along hollywood boulevard doesn't feel like it's the home of the stars. but i won't spoil the fun here, hehe. anyway, we went to grauman's chinese theater, and i took my picture with johnny depp's hand and footprints. oh wow. johnny depp. can i say wow again? wow.

then halloween that night. i've never been carolling at home and there i was trick or treating with kids and teenagers. i said i'm too old to be trick or treating, but nobody believes i'm twenty anyway, not even my cousins.

and then home bound the next day. i wished i could stay longer, but my mom and my siblings have classes the next week, and it's also my registration for the second semester. next year i'd really like to come back, i miss everybody.

cold big bear

2006-10-30T04:58:00.000+08:00

just came down from the mountains at big bear. it was even colder than baguio... whoo, 30 degrees farenheit at night.

tita corito and tito freddie owns a house up in big bear, so we stayed there for the weekend. actually, we stayed one night in their house, and the other night at kuya gio's timeshare condo. half of that second night we spent chatting instead of sleeping, hehe.

i went for a walk yesterday morning along maple lane in big bear, and i think i heard a real bear call. i must have been hallucinating, since bears don't really come out in the morning and in town at that. anyway, i enjoyed the architecture in the area. dadi would love the colors of those houses.

autumn here is so lovely and wonderful, gold, red, orange, green, and yellow all at the same time. everything in the colors of the sunset. and the red maple leaves are marvelous at this time of the year. i took a leaf and pressed it in my book, and i'll put it in my scrapbook once i get home.

big bear lake is also just as lovely. it was windy, though; so really windy and cold. at the time we were at the lake, a man was fishing, and we watched him catch a carp, whiskered and orange.

we also carved pumpkins in time for halloween this wednesday, my first time to do so. we'll light them up tonight, and i'm so excited. those large pumpkins are really heavy! we scraped them out and hollowed them, and we saved the seeds, because steph said she'll make butong pumpkin later.

i'll be waiting for that butong (pumpkin) kalabasa later, when we see them again on halloween.

happy halloween everyone. and visit the dead on november one and two.

day two of days off

2006-10-27T07:57:00.000+08:00

what a tiring day yesterday. all of us overslept this morning. i can still feel the jetlag. this should be gone by now.

we went to the outlet, though we were supposed to go to hollywood. i wanted to go shopping, but when i found something i liked, they didn't carry my size. everything is sooo big. they carry size 20 but not 2. ate nikki and ate margaux were with us, a good thing, since the oldies' (hehe) go shopping for styles that look too mother-ish for me.

and then dinner at steph's and kuya gio's house. i don't know what some of the food are called, but they all tasted good. really good. if i stay longer at their house i wouldn't bother looking for a size 2 the next time i go shopping. we even had a tray to go.

it's really nice to see all my cousins again--kim, ate margaux, ate nikki, kuya gio, kuya ace. we stayed and chatted so long at kuya gio's place that we all forgot the time--we got home at 11pm. it's also nice knowing that kuya ace has an interest in filipino history and the family's history. and kuya gio's ciclid reminds me of yeng the fish at stan's apartment. i really have to get an aquarium of my own.

the best part is meeting the little kids (tita corito's grandkids) for the first time. oooh. they are all pretty angels. jay jay is the dancing one. julia has so many hugs and kisses to share. sweet girl.

i don't feel literary today. buti na lang. i came here for a vacation, not for literary genius. hmm. it's a nice life. kain-tulog. i could very well do that at home, but it's nice to have a different view and see new places.

whew. it's very dry here. it's so dry that my skin is cracking and even the boogers inside my nose are dry. hehe. i miss the humidity. i can't feel my sweat anymore.

vacation at last

2006-10-25T10:10:00.000+08:00

finally, im in LA, baggages, jetlag, and all.

our flight yesterday (that's monday) has been cancelled because of plane trouble, and moved to tuesday at 12 noon, and the airline installed us at the century park sheraton. free hotel stay! free breakfast buffet! i definitely stuffed myself with food.

flight was uneventful, though. a few air pockets and short turbulence. i couldn't sleep on the flight; i was still living on philippine time.

we didn't fly earlier as planned, but still it felt like a vacation, because we met celebrities even if he had not yet gone to hollywood, and we already stayed in a hotel while in the philippines.

woohoo. vacation at last. it's cold here, it's evening already and we just finished dinner. tomorrow we'll go shopping (we haven't even gone around LA and the first thing on our minds is shopping. ang saya.).

i told myself last week that i really needed a vacation what with all the heckles and jeckles of this past semester. hoo. now i'm here.

at last.

mania at the naia

2006-10-23T18:27:00.000+08:00

our departure has been delayed. waha. we (especially mother) are so excited. mother really prayed we could leave last night. oh well. wasn't meant to be.

but the good thing is, we had a sort-of run-in with wwe wrestlers. ooooh goody. they were so huge..! especially undertaker, who snobbed me when i asked if i can take a picture. big celebrities man.

mark was especially excited about batista. he was grinning a quarter moon. he really can't believe that he was so close to those celebrities. we saw booker t, finley, veto... and mark had a photo op with matt hardy. he was literally jumping around the place.

well, for me, gotta go. gotta take a bath. we'll vie for the next flight tonight. crossing fingers, hope to fly.

weary warrior

2006-10-20T07:38:00.001+08:00

this really feels like 24 hours staring into the computer screen. and 24 hours squeezing the muck out of my brains just to produce something worthy of a grade.

every semester it feels like what graduating students call "thesis mode": the writing of the research paper, the reviewing of literature, the sampling, the data gathering, the analysis...

my head is stuck in the sand right now. i don't feel victorious as yet, because I and my army have still yet to overcome the walls of troy. but i also have some sense of jubilation, that, at the very least, the fighting has ceased for now, and will probably resume upon this captain's awakening (if she ever takes her head off the ground).

our group has finally put together our final paper, but this captain has to also collect her senses. i can't believe that at this time, we're already (almost) finished with our final paper with only a few bits and pieces to polish. this should feel like a horse in hay. instead, i feel like a mare restless inside the barn.

i'm quite happy with the results of our study. in my opinion, we've exhausted every bit of issue we can iron press. and it's aptly named RE(kukuruku)CALL! hehehehe....

so much to do until i leave on sunday. i wish mother would not keep on insisting we leave on sunday and leave at least a day later. i have to finish so many unfinished bees that i feel like i shouldn't, but possibly, forget anything.

today is our sem planning for the org and i'm supposed to go, but with my sight still in gray clouds, i'm not sure i'll make it across the street. i'm insisting my mom to let me go, but she won't, stating that by the time i leave on sunday, i'll already be too exhausted (because of high altitude in flight, and jetlag in a different timezone) and will have my usual migraines. what's a vacation with migraines, anyway?

worse, my regular suitor is already knocking and won't go away. tomorrow, a film showing and hopefully the last exam to complete. exam, hoo.

this face is already learning the coarseness of the sand, where the ground is warm. i cannot see anymore battles from here, and i can imagine that i'm in a place far from where i am now.

my fingers are literally getting number. each key becomes laborious to press.

i have to sit my head on pillows and rest my eyes. this captain also is mortal.

but even if this captain is mortal, she still is captain.

i, robot

2006-10-17T15:03:00.001+08:00

Non omnia possumus omnes.
We cannot do all everything.
Virgil

yet, we try to. our days our stuffed with so many insignificant things. why do we still try to do and be everything?

i feel we are dehumanizing ourselves by trying to be what the robots are. we fill our days with work, work, and little time for ourselves and the people who matter most. yes, we make the robots so they can do what we can do. but we also try to do what only they and other machines can.

think of this: the word robot came from the Czech word robota, used by Capek in the play Rossum's Universal Robots, which means forced labor and drudgery.

the battle of troy has begun

2006-10-16T11:16:00.000+08:00

our library has been ransacked and stormed through by ten giants...

actually, no, it's deadlines, deadlines, deadlines... and books are missing from the shelves, the computers' wires all tangled together, the printer heavily loaded with paper, drafts, and still printing on, and papers and notes everywhere, on the floor, on the speakers, on the chairs....

aaaaargh!

in this house, whenever prelims, midterms, or finals are approaching, the library stops getting cleaned up. my dad goes haywire whenever this happens, but he can't scold us because we're all stressed out and we'll all end up fighting. when the hell weeks really come, disaster strikes. in this jungle of a library, i won't be surprised if my little eleven-year-old brother gets lost in the chaos of it all.

plastic cups of orange juice are scattered on the long table, and if i point who the culprit is, she'll point to me back (haha.. you know who you are). i leave messes of coffee mugs too, and bread crumbs whenever i eat my breakfast here. we're all not supposed to eat here, but sometimes, we can't help it.

at times, i go straight to the computer and type up the work i have to finish. and i forget about dinner. mom doesn't want us to skip dinners, but i really sincerely forget. really. haha.

and yet i'm typing away here, on the computer. i'm really hoping that sir lacson will just read my blog and grade it as my diary for his class, anyway, some of these things, too, are observations.

i should be on my way to an exam. oh yes, exams. haha, exams.

i'll have to buy time and finish what i'm supposed to finish. i'm already on my fourth year in college and yet i still cram. don't my years of experience as a student teach me how it is whenever i have exams and deadlines and how i should not go over last minute? apparently not.

goodbye, moon. goodbye, sea. i'm off to battle the trojans.

"half the wrong conclusions at which mankind arrive are reached... by mistaking general resemblance or imaginary similarity for real identity."

2006-10-12T09:24:00.000+08:00

henry john palmerston said it all.

yesterday in class, mam pagli showed us a few clips of filipinos in hollywood and foreign films. oh my, i felt laughed at. transgressed, as bell hooks would call it. i really felt humiliated seeing how they depict filipinos, especially since they could use another nationality (maybe their own) to play that role. i didn't see any sense why it should be a filipino. i especially felt transgressed as to how they portrayed the filipina wife in the film Priscilla (aussie film), because, as it is, i could hear laughter inside the movie theater while it is being played. laughter at the crazy filipina.

are we just these portrayals in the global village, domestic helpers, boxers, prostitutes, and show girls?

proving them wrong as to who we really are and what we can do as filipinos doesn't really matter much if we can't prove to our fellow filipinos that we can do something for change in this country.

i was transgressed not just because i felt bad at the portrayal, but because at times they are right. how else would these images proliferate all over the world if we ourselves see us that way and if we ourselves are that way?

i learned in media promotion that the image of one product or one outfit completely differs from its identity. the image is how the product or the outfit is perceived by the people, and the identity is its nature and what it really is.

the problem with us filipinos is that we project an image into the outside world, but we do not fully understand our identity (oh, debates on our identity can go long and far. let's reserve that for another discourse). what is the nature of the filipino? who is the filipino?

child, it's your finals week

2006-10-12T08:47:00.000+08:00

heck, i'd be happy if it's a week. make it more like three. almost a month. almost no sem break.

monik sent me a txt message and it goes like this:
bakit maraming bumagsak na puno?
kasi...
hindi sila nag-aral!
kaya, mag-aral para hindi bumagsak.

i have to quit whining and start studying, if i want to make the cut, or get myself out of probation (oh, yeah, now i remember... i'm on probation!). if i flunk another subject again, it's goodbye commres. haha.

i'm all burned out of studying, and to think i still have to make it through for 4 more semesters after this one! aray! talk about taking so long to finish college.

hay, at least i'm still here. my dad used to tell me that i should count myself as lucky and fortunate enough to be studying and not out there earning a living.

i used to feel jealous of my friends who are on their way to graduation or have already graduated, but when i see kel who's always so tired after work, i think, maybe i really am still lucky. i don't have to work my ass off just to earn for my own. my parents still pay for everything, i earn a little so i can buy what i want, and i don't have to worry about paying this and that.

i am lucky.

oh yes, there's still the finals.

aha.

btw, congrats to chad and steve (developers of youtube)... you're two big billionnaires, wahoo. get yourself nice shirts, guys, you earned it. (",)

storm of the century

2006-10-01T04:56:00.000+08:00

the shoe fits the foot. Milenyo, many would agree, fits as the name of one of the most horrific storms to hit this country.

i am still oblivious to the havoc wreaked by this monstrous typhoon, because our power outage lasted for three days (even then, we're lucky, since our neighbors, whose power lines are connected to san juan, have no electricity as of now. our lines are connected to mandaluyong). No news, no TV, no radio, no internet, and at times, no signal. at times i had to fight the urge to shout WTF?! because my little brother can hear me.

damages caused by Milenyo are phenomenal, and the aftermath of this storm are horrendous. and I'm not exaggerating. read the wrath of milenyo at inq7.net. death toll (as of this writing) stands at 72, and many still are missing. damages are climbing at P400 M, and may still increase to billions of pesos.

statistics overwhelm me, even if i'm so used to them in research. any death toll (just the fact of a death count, knowing there's more than one) scares me. this means that more than one family will have to face the future without a daddy, or a mommy, or a child. i'd rather have my possessions destroyed than lose one parent or one sibling, no matter how difficult they are at times.

in cavite, five people died when butas dam broke and swept them away. they were checking the dam and the water level to see if they and their families had to move to higher ground. most likely, one of those five was a father who was concerned if he had to evacuate his family, if he had to pack his family's belongings and bring his family somewhere safe. his and the others' concern turned around and swept them into death.

others have their own stories to tell. one upland barrio in makiling in los banos, laguna was buried by landslide. it was reported that among those who died were two children, aged 2 and 7. two kids that will be missed by their mothers who carried and took care of them, by fathers who provided for them, by their siblings who played with them.

i can't put faces or names on those 72 who died. i can only pray for those families grieving at their loss, whose families will forever be changed by the historic Milenyo that stormed through the nation.

postponed: UNLIMITED

2006-10-01T04:41:00.000+08:00

UNLIMITED has been postponed due to circumstances beyond our control.

Milenyo happened.

Okay, as of now, there's still no power in UP, and we can't risk the safety of the participants (or any body else who is part of this event) since UP and the rest of the metro has yet to be cleaned up from, hmm, for the lack of a better term, tree debris and other live electric lines.

Announcements will be posted hopefully by Monday, October 2.

The invitation is still open for those who would like to participate in the event.

Mission: UNLIMITED

2006-09-26T09:36:00.000+08:00

It's on Saturday na!

Think that just because you're a mass comm student, you'll be confined to the universe of media forever? Think again!

UNLIMITED presents to you the many fields in the industry where you can follow a career path, and not just in media. Be it in public service, corporate communications, public relations, advertising, or in the academe, masscomm students are equipped with the unique skills they need to succeed.

Find out more on Saturday, September 30, at 8:30 am at the CMC Auditorium, Plaridel Hall, UP Diliman.

UNLIMITED: Because mass communication should not be limited to just media.