"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."

written by Adrienne Cecile Rich

Sunday, November 26, 2006

when the heart breaks

should i hold on to something i know isn't there anymore?

maybe by holding on, i still have hope that it would never be gone. or am i simply deluding myself from the feeling that what used to be just isn't there?

i get hurt everytime he tells me he still does love me but shows me otherwise. it's not hate. it's the indifference i can't stand.

i must have done something that blew the flame from the candle. but the white-gray smoke puffed up into the air i still try to collect and keep, which is ultimately impossible. summing up corny metaphors isn't the solution to this heartache.

i keep on getting hurt while i hold on, trying to keep alive what little that is left. my feelings aren't enough to keep this relationship above the water. i'm sinking.

the situation is no-win either. if i let go, i break in pieces. but if i hold on, i feel like i'm trying to push my head into the eye of a needle, i'm forcing myself into his life when i feel that he doesn't want me there anymore.

it's like a person giving the news that a loved one died--it's hard to sink in. he just doesn't love you like he used to.

he used to look at me as if i'm the only one for him, with puppy-dog eyes and bunny smiles. but when he looks at me now, he doesn't see me. he looks through me, as if i'm not there and he would rather have me not there.

hope still survives this relationship, that maybe tomorrow he'll tell you different. maybe tomorrow he'll remember how it feels. maybe tomorrow he'll treat you the way he did then. maybe tomorrow he'll realize how much you hurt. maybe tomorrow...

i hold on like the child holding on to the thought that Santa will be coming at midnight bearing presents, and come morning the joy will be overwhelming with a wonderful day of toys, food, family, and friends. but Santa isn't real.

i hold on simply because i can't face tomorrow. i don't know what it holds for me. would i miss him like i do now? i miss him terribly even if we're together, because he isn't with me. i lost him to the more significant parts of his life.

i love him so much that i'm willing to wait for him to remember what we used to have, even if it means i'm going to tread through unknown waters. i love him so much i can't stand it when he gets angry with me. i love him so much that i hate him for hurting me without him knowing how much.

my mother, if she knew about this, would have told me that someone who doesn't love me like i should be loved isn't worthy of an ounce of my affections.

i hold on to the hope that maybe one day he will tell me i'm all wrong, but instead, his actions tell me that i'm right: he isn't there anymore.



  • At 11/27/2006 8:30 PM, Blogger kissmekate mused…

    You need to gain some self respect and realise that you are worthy of being truly loved.

    When you find that unconditional love you will wonder why you put up with second best.

    Be strong and move on to find somebody that will give you everything that you deserve.


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Saturn's precious star
the elder sister
a squirrel under the oak
never early
Venus' healing herb
la luna de la noche
a girl of wishes
pride inside
pretending to be smart
nicely tucked in
a lady not poised
the talahiranya

Location: San Juan, Philippines

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