sanipriya's musings

"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."

written by Adrienne Cecile Rich

Saturday, July 28, 2007

what happens when sex is the center of my acad life

i'm on the verge of a breakthrough in medicine. wahahaha.

i'm embarking on a new direction of a current study, and navigating through known theories. i'm still setting landmarks, but now i can say it can be done.

i wish it was direction for this life, but then it would too much to ask. i am currently at the tipping point, but still not haggardly so.

i feel elated in some way, now that at least i've found a direction for this damned research. a systems approach. can't it get more mathematical than this? applying this has not been more exciting than i thought it would. damn. i'm finding this exciting. i need a new hobby, fast.

yes, i'm in lust for knowledge. the sensual feeling of each new discovery. the heat of each new step until the end, of wanting more than what can be given. the passion of kissing theories with theories, methods with methods. the pleasurable touch into the supposed reality, the feeling of wanting and needing the warm embrace of the each new learning. the wanton goodness of information flow into the midsection of study. the orgasmic climax of reaching the results, of interpreting what has been learned.

and at four in the morning the hangover is still passionate.

ohmigod i'm research-horny.

i really need a new hobby, a new distraction. i may have enveloped myself into this work that i may not pull away from it. i do not want this to be my only life-long raison detre, as i know there are more humanly possible ways of fulfilling my purpose. a carnal desire for knowledge and research may not be healthy in the long term, unless i'm in it for the dough.

my goodness, what heat. i need to break free from this. it's just a job. (and what kind of job, mariel?)

it may be my reaction to failed relationships and bad breakups, so they say. but still. wouldn't it be more fulfilling if i direct all this physical energy to a real-live human?

haha. at least i know in this kind of relationship, i'm in charge, i'm accepted for who i am, i can be healthily carnivorous, i set the rules. hopefully i can also reap the benefits, which i am not quite sure what. but, cybernetically, this is a negentropy. i need the feedback information (mayghad i'm still on systems terms).

i'm trapped in a sexually academic relationship i can't get out of until i graduate. the pleasure keeps me wanting, but drains me of every energy i need to fulfill other duties. hopefully it churns out something better in me.


metaphorically speaking, i may be an ergomaniac, if such term exists. an ergophile who rapes work and enjoys its every scream for more. a green devil out to hunt victims in dark corridors.



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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

taking the path of faith

unlimited was a success. well, at least on my terms it was. just don't make me sing the national anthem ever again on stage in front of that many people. yes, i sing, but in the shower and in the confines of my room. i don't want to be trapped that way again.

whew. it could have been better, i know. but i did my best, and so did the people who took part in this. kudos to my committee members and to my orgmates.

i live a boring life, that much i realized when i talked to ares the other day. he told me to make kwento, and i realized i couldn't say anything that wasn't boring. haha. even the corny jokes i used to have are bland (yes, corny jokes are bland to begin with, but they make me laugh anyway. mababaw lang naman ako).

hm. this means i need a new hobby. or a new good book to read. not HP, not yet please. i need a good book by my bedside. or i could go back to sewing and stitching again.

we're about to do our learning projects for psych, and now is the time for me to reflect upon the kind of behavior i would like to change in me, the kind of habits i would like to break or create. i'm still thinking as to what i should do, but i have a couple of habits i know i'd like to break. and it's going to be hard, i'm sure. there will be those extinction bursts and spontaneous recoveries, but then, i'd like to get out of those habits.

hm. seems like every time i get out of my socio class i feel elated. i'm not sure why. it feels more and more like i could use the enlightenment from those discussions. i love the discussions, and i come to class not for the attendance, but for the simple feeling of learning something new. i hope most of my classes are like that...

i'm tired and weary... so many things are happening, so fast, and i need the time to breath. but it seems like everything is like a breeze for me. ever since i started going to church just to take a breather (i've been hearing mass and visiting the adoration chapel lately), i feel less sashayed. i feel less shanghaied by schoolwork. i feel that i could breath again.

it used to be that i took a smoke just for me to relax, but that didn't help me any. so i decided that maybe i needed something different. so i went to church, because i needed something new and i needed to listen to someone.

this isn't a testimonial for anybody. but it works for me. i don't know if it works for anybody else. it used to be that i got so guilty taking the time off to sleep or rest or watch tv when i'm tired. but now, i take about one hour and thirty minutes just in church, and i don't feel any guilt for taking precious time. this may be my catharsis, my healing, and i'm quite surprised that i took this road only now.

i've been so long seeking for a way to get the steam out of my system, and it only takes me sitting there, not doing anything at all. sometimes i don't even pray. i just sit, let it all come. and it helps me so much i couldn't understand it.

yes, faith has a way of getting to you.

was it st. francis who said it? take fifteen minutes of prayer time each day. but what if you are busy, he was asked. then you must pray more, thirty minutes each day.

i believe i haven't prayed more than the past couple of weeks. i must be so busy and so weary that i need the Lord.

p.s. i realized that meeting a certain person at this stage in my life, though it had hurt, was the gate to my healing. i had met the persons i sought, i had found what i needed to do, all because i met this person. i am now sure what it meant for me to meet him, and it was because he opened to me the paths i needed to take. he doesn't know it, though. but thanks. meeting him has been quite a blow to my head, i needed that. crossing each others' lives is one fortunate thing for me, and i'm grateful.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

high tolerance to stress?

later we'll be holding our first event in the committee. hm. my first event as committee head. i wish i wasn't as jittery as i am now. i hope the event will be successful and well-attended.

i didn't think being external affairs head was this hectic. still, i'm happy. i'm 3 pounds lighter than last week (and last week i was four pounds lighter than the summer), so stress must be a good weight-loss system.

people are surprised i still have a positive outlook, given the situations i am in. as what mother told me, i should think positively about things and take them one day at a time. so i guess i should worry about what i should do and what would happen only for things on that day. i can only get myself through the day i am in, and if i can, then i'm thankful. before i go to sleep, i thank God i got through one day. the next morning, i ask for strength to get through another day.

i tried to wire myself as to what mother said. she's sensible in saying that, and i'm feeling less stressful about things than i do in the past.

i'll just get through this event, pray it will be as successful as we can make it to be. then i'll think about the proposal (mayghad research paper again) after i have rested well (or at least, rested kahit onti). there's also that exam in psych, the presentation we have to make for message design.

i'm quite excited about the event later. it's my first, so talk about my binyag as officer of commressoc. i'm also excited about the prsp paper that we'll be writing. i hope it'll get into the finals. i'm happy enough just to get this paper into the top five in the competition.

and the major subject. so many people are waiting for the results of this study even if it's still in the conceptualizing and operationalizing stage. hay. i hope people won't get disappointed.

i don't want to think about these things as yet. i'm trying to get my frame of mind into preparing for this morning's event. so i'm praying for the best, and hoping that nothing goes wrong. if anything does go wrong, i wish this would be minimal.

i miss making kwento to one person at the end of the day. that i'm looking forward to going home because i can relay the good things that happened to me and share the feeling of having good news with someone special. it's like having a confidante, a best friend, a significant other. i miss that mostly.

Monday, July 16, 2007


yes. those dreams walking naked in the streets, in the halls. i feel that way. yet i'm awake, i'm not dreaming.

It's all a state of mind
but I don't mind trying to find a way
to keep my head above the mess I make
what the world creates
sometimes it feels so good to let it all fall
as the world fall
I may fall
we all may fall
and then the world comes tumbling
down down down down down said it perfectly. but here's where we're different: I CAN TAKE IT.

i'm still a surviving soldier. i'm jaded, but i'm free. i'm hurting, but i'm alive. pain always reminds me that i can still feel because i am alive, still breathing.

i may fall, but i won't tumble down. i pray for strength to endure a single day. when i can, i know i can get through another day.



seems like whenever i'm so busy i tend to write more often. my way of coping, i guess, with the stress that comes. i feel like i should be the energizer bunny, going on and on for days without stopping. i need that kind of energy, especially now.

i feel floaty, as if my body is wandering away from physical reality. caffeine effect, perhaps? this saturday would be the event we're organizing. i'm getting stressed at the thought that it would be this weekend! saturday is also myk's birthday, but i'm not sure i could attend, because aside from my excuse of needing good sleep, there may be a lecture i'm scheduled to give on sunday.

hay. i badly need rest. but not now, i would have to finish a few more things. scratch that. i'm getting a few winks, wake up in 30-ish minutes.


Sunday, July 15, 2007

mothers should be philosophers and leaders of the world

i talked to my mother, and i feel okay now. i don't know why mothers have a way of clearing up perspectives for their children.

had philosophers been mothers, we'd have so much love in this world. we'd have so much less to think about, and more time to love ourselves and one another. are mothers existentialists?

i feel so much better talking to her. i know that her reassurances are true, and she knows me better than even i know myself.

i'll take this day by day, little by little. i know i can make it if i just take it bit by bit. cakes aren't supposed to be swallowed whole.

there will be hurts, but i know i can take them. take them with composure and poise, as my friend nic would say. i know i can heal.

i need to forgive myself, love myself, and try to walk on the right path, step by step, carefully minding that i do not stumble upon rocks. but if i do, there is nothing else to do but stand up again, scrape off the dirt, and continue on.

i love my mother. better than that, i love myself. thanks mom.

p.s. i went on a movie date with my sister joanne. been so long since i went out with her, and i'm wondering how in the world that now we don't have anything in common when we grew up together. we shared everything... schools, barkadas, things, sometimes clothes and shoes. when we were little kids people asked my mom if we're twins. i share a room with her, and sometimes i think it's the only thing i share with her. if i must start life over, i must try to connect again with my sister fwee fwee (i call her that sometimes).

Saturday, July 14, 2007

it's happening again, and i'm not prepared

it hurts now that it's happening again, and i'm not sure if i can take it.

this time, i wasn't prepared. i wasn't ready to take on the ride. i'm not sure if i can take the hell out of me this time, because it's too much now. i don't know. i may be wrong, but i think i can go on a breakdown.

just last evening i fell to the floor, stupid me, because i couldn't stand on my two feet anymore. i can't stand. i lacked the energy. i can't stand, physically, emotionally, spiritually. i lost it.

i'm too overwhelmed at this time. i don't even know if this is my road to healing. this may even be my own trod to inferno, my barefoot walk down the avenue of my own broken fate.

yet, part of me still gleams at the sight of hope, that may be this is not the end of it all. that i would still find the light at the end of the tunnel, that my journey would lead to some place and someone and it will be my last. i hope that this would be my last. yes, i hope.

part of me wants to embrace all this suffering and make it heal, just as i tried to do before. i want to hold it in my arms, crush it with all the love i could muster, just so it would die away and never come back. i am ready to sacrifice, since it is all i have to offer. i had been always ready to sacrifice, if it must be the way to create a pure love for this life.

this is how i feel now. i know i'm not superwoman to try, but i want to. i don't know if it is enough. i don't even care. i jumped, and now i'm here. i wasn't ready, but i try to be.

it's not the time, mariel, now is not the time. but i fear that through it all i would not have anything more to hold onto, that what he has, who he is, and what he feels would fade away into something surreal.

i love with my heart, and not with my head. i thought this was the best way to do it. i could be wrong, but what else am i sure of? uncertainties lie in my future, that i know there will always be some things i could not control.

yet, last evening, the priest's sermon was to let God be in control, to have faith, to let Him work within. that there are things i could not and would never understand, but ultimately He knows what's best, and i must put my trust in Him.

i prayed, so much more than i had in the past months, because it is the only way to cope. i tried other things, and they failed. i pray, and i pray for the pain to end, for the Lord has already taken up the cross for me. i prayed for myself, and i offered what little i had left of me. i offered everything, my life, my hopes, my love for him, and i offered him, even if i knew i don't own him.

i pray that i be filled with a new spirit, undaunting of what may come.

can i take it, all this suffering, all at one moment? i try to think that i had been prepared for this, since i went through even more difficult times. i had been readied, like a soldier in training, ready to march into the battleground. yet, bullets are still bullets and wounds still bleed.

i don't know what else to do, so i write. i write and i will purge myself of all the things i cannot understand. tragedy does this to you. purges you of pity and of fear. purges you of grief, that it is only the tragedy that feels, but not the self.

i live day by day uncertain of the moments to come. i hurt as i walk, because my feet are blistered in the long tiring tread. but i still live, and i still love, because these are the only things i know i can do. i breathe, i love, i hope, and i walk.

i think too much. i hope too much.

but my biggest weakness and my greatest strength is that i love too much, too dearly, too strongly, too soon.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

at it again

tanginang buhay yan. ang stoopeed ko. i think i'm making the same mistakes i made before, ones i swore not to.

i think i'm too selfish. or maybe not. just thinking.

i would be a moron not to realize that there are things i just can't do right now. i don't want this to suffer.

i'm speaking in terms of what i know and how i know them, because i may be thinking along my own perspective without looking at the other side of the fence.

i want this one to last as long as i can make it. hm. as long as we can make it. as i told a girlfriend, i must really love this person so much to want to respect the limitations that he has set.

i don't want to be labeled as demanding or as manipulative. not anymore. i have to accept that there are things now that i cannot have, and i cannot possibly use force--charms or otherwise--to get what i want. i guess i realized that even before we got together, but it is only now that i am really trying hard to live by them.

for now, i'm giving up the freedom to decide what's best. i think he knows it better than i do. or i do know, i just don't think about it. i just hope i can live by them. he tries to think clearly for the both of us, so i guess i should also take part in doing what i must.

we're polar opposites, and may be the one thing that binds us is that we think on the same wavelength, sometimes too much, because some people think we're weird. i like to think that he complements my personality, as crazy as my personality is, and i complement his.

i think i've met my match. yes, i think i have. i hope it'll last.

Monday, July 09, 2007
i don't want tomorrow to come, not yet.

i don't know why i'm logging on; i don't have anything to say. gusto ko lang magparamdam. haha.

i wish my life would freeze in its current time frame. um, no, i wish time would freeze. so many things happening, and so many things to accomplish, that there is no time to think anymore. i always feel this way about my life. i wish there was something i could do to at least make my life a walk in the park.

i want to know what people do to have that kind of life.


Saturn's precious star
the elder sister
a squirrel under the oak
never early
Venus' healing herb
la luna de la noche
a girl of wishes
pride inside
pretending to be smart
nicely tucked in
a lady not poised
the talahiranya

Location: San Juan, Philippines

Notes and scribbles of a wayward child

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