sanipriya's musings

"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."

written by Adrienne Cecile Rich

Sunday, January 28, 2007

death by coffee

i have to make this post quick since i still need to finish my part of the review of literature we would need for our paper and it's already 2:18 am. and to all my friends in the blogosphere: i'm really sorry for not commenting or at least tagging your blog, but i still read your posts. promise.

i love my coffee, and i love it in various ways. it's just like sex: at times you want it strong, at times you feel like going for mild, sometimes you want it sweet, and sometimes you want it with different toppings. some people go only for one flavor. but in the many different tastes i want my coffee, i always want it hot. haha.

i surprised myself by listening to my chem class, and i'm now taking notes, which, before our first exam, i didn't care to do.

i learned in chem that caffeine, like many other substances, has its own lethal dose. lethal dose is the weight of poison per unit body weight, which, when translated, means that only a certain amount of a substance can kill you. each individual, because of difference in body weight, has his or her own lethal dose of a substance.

which goes on to say that everything is poisonous, it only depends on how much you take. some subtances, like botox, need only a microgram of intake for it to kill you (read: botox, when injested, can kill a person. and when they say it is used to flatten wrinkles on your face, it only deadens your facial muscles. by disintegrating the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, it causes muscle paralysis, which, i think, is baaaaad). so i never really believed in botox. when i'm happy, i want to show my laugh lines. and when i'm angry i'd rather show it on my face instead of other people getting clueless of how i feel. as what any grandparent would say: one wrinkle on your face is one unforgettable moment in your life.

okay, back to coffee. the lethal dose of caffeine is 0.15 grams of coffee per kilogram of body weight. i'm about 49 kilograms, so it means that i would need about 7.35 grams of caffeine to kill me.

no, the 7.35 grams of coffee isn't in just one cup. since an average cup has about 50-200 mg of coffee, it would take an estimate of 50-200 cups for me to get to heaven (or go to hell). if i take my coffee strong, it probably would be around just less than a hundred cups to kill me.

i'm not suicidal, i usually have one cup a day. or two. or three when life gets hectic.

lethal dosage also explains why it's so easy for thin people or children to get killed by intake of a poisonous substance than for fat people. so it doesn't hold true na masamang binhi ay madaling mamatay. for poison, it's always how much you take.

so for those suicidal ones who drank poison and are still alive, it just means you're fat. hahaha.

i'm not encouraging anyone to drink poison or anything. just wanted to share, because there's always a threshold of how much your body can take. everything can be potentially harmful if taken too much (and it also means i have to cut down on my chocolate intake. but wait, i'm not a dog. hahaha).

yes, it's true that too much of something is harmful. so stop binge eating. hahaha.

(disclaimer: i'm not an expert or anything of this, just an attentive student. yah right. so instead of reading about my babbles, ask you doctor about lethal dose of substances.)


Wednesday, January 24, 2007

"i never thought that by you building a new life and making new friends, i would be shut into a corner closet."

mariel, january 22, 2006. sinking again.


Tuesday, January 23, 2007

"whenever possible print a woman's age." -- arthur christiansen

Ang. Tan. Da. Ko. Na. (chinese names, perhaps?)

nothing else reminds you of your own (im)maturity and mortality than when you realize graduation is getting near. and you're not part of it.

waaah. since i transferred into this course i am currently taking now, my expected year of graduation has also been moved, two years at that. my younger sister will even be graduating earlier than i will.

i feel so much older when i realize that the upcat results are already in, and i will be greeting the new freshmen welcome. for that matter: how many batches of freshmen have i greeted welcome? guess the correct answer and you'll know my age.

but aside from my ranting about the circumstances which i can no longer have control over, i am happy about transferring into this course. i still get to write, one of my arduous passions, and i find fulfillment in what i do. i get to learn so much about people and the social world. i get to have a deeper understanding of what they perceive, and i get to be guided through what they think. i would not have felt all of this had i not followed my parents' wishes.

speaking about the upcat, there's a certain kind of high that one feels when one passes it. i can still remember that day (so many aeons ago) when i received that text message from my friend that i had passed. that day, i was in the front passenger seat of a taxi. i was in davao. and i bumped my head onto the window in excitement.

i didn't really bother to look at the list of passers since i didn't think i'd get in. only a handful of our batch passed, not even our valedictorian did. and to think i wasn't even an honorable mention. i realized i was so lucky to be given this break.

but i won't bother declaring to all the people in the blogosphere what year i passed the upcat. i feel really old when people ask my batch, even though some mambobolas would tell me i don't look it. haha.

a pending issue within the up community now are the tuition and other fee increases that will (i think) take effect this coming school year. a price on the head of education. i hope that so many who passed into up will still enrol in up, even with the increase in tuition fees.

also, it's nearing the student council elections. a shout out to our cmc representative karol yee for this successful year. he's so great at being our rep, and he always keeps us posted about news and events within and outside the college.

i'll wrap up my boring post today, but before that: Congratulations to all the upcat passers! Congrats to those who passed in diliman. Hope to see you in campus next academic year!


Sunday, January 21, 2007

taking another step through the bridge

wow naman. two posts in one season.

i'd like to publicly thank my friend hilda and my friend dana who, with painstaking patience, guided me and listened to my rants throughout this breakup. thanks, you bruhahas. i love you. >hugs<

i told my friend dana that, on the third day right after the break up, i'm not bitter anymore. that's quite a lie, since there are still flashes of drama queen "why, oh why??" at certain lonely moments.

but yes, time can heal. i'm still hoping for that time. hilda advised me that usually it's for the best although i may not realize it as yet, so that i may focus my time and my efforts on what i really want to do instead of wasting them on him who doesn't really value it as much.

now, i don't really have that much time for myself. i'm fully loaded with schoolwork, just like the way it was before i met him. am i just filling my time so i won't have to think about him? it's obvious, very, but at least i feel i have accomplished something that furthers my pseudo-academic career.

i'm partial to missing him, but i can probably say i want to move on from here. it's not that i don't want any attachments; i still want him in my life, but if he doesn't want me in his, why should i bother?

i'm getting better each day. and hopefully getting less uglier without the eye bags. haha. if i have to be thrown out of my comfortable fish bowl into the big, cruel pond, i may as well have a catch, right?

i'm not hoping for rebounds, as it is, i'm still on the shaky footbridge across the ravine to completely heal. maybe i might need a hand to help me across, or maybe someone is waiting on the other side, who knows? i'm not really sure.

at times i think, what if one day he comes back to me? will i let him? i'm not really sure. may be. may be not. i will have to think about that.

we're still friends, but by being labelled as friends really ticks me, since it's like putting a white picket fence around a toxic industrial site. even though it may seem incomprehensible, letting myself talk to him helps me sink all of it in that we're not the "we" anymore.

i'm afraid that the day will come that he will have another girl who will hold his hand and who will share all his secrets and dreams. i used to be that girl, so should i have a say on who he would date in the future? (so conceited me, i think i have a legacy that should be lived up to. hahahaha.)

i'm also afraid that i might one day realize he's not really the one for me. let's face it: i still love him. for so long i thought he was the one. i wanted him to be that one i'll be with till i lie on my deathbed (nu ba? corny). so i can't picture just anyone taking his place. it has to be someone who will keep me.

so maybe i am hoping for him to come back. or maybe i am hoping for that someone to come in my life to ease me from this feeling.

i'm getting tired of posting lovey-dovey mindless chatter about him and this breakup, but it's what's on my mind, nearly most of my waking hours. i'll get over it one day. not today however. i'll be writing and writing and writing and writing about it until i get sick of it. like he got sick of me. i'll tire and bore myself of writing under the label heartbreak until i could no longer type the putrid corny words.

even then, i admire him. i'm saying this more to myself just so i'll feel better. i admire him for resisting the feeling of missing me. i'm not easily forgotten. i dug a ditch (no, a valley) deep into his life that it'll take him more than just alzheimer's and the damage to his hippocampus to forget me.


cafe lifestyle

i'm not one to hang out at starbucks or figaro or anywhere that resembles a quasi-reading-slash-studying-slash-chillin'-lounge. i'm not one to sit down at small tables and bring a book with me while i sip coffee and (pretend to) scan the pages and try to focus on the text in front of my eyes.

but i like my coffee with biscuits or cake. my coffee depends on my mood--sometimes mild, sometimes sweet, sometimes black, sometimes brimming with cream. i like brewed better than stirred instant ones (of course), and i like colombian better than java (but arabian coffee beans have really powerful, enticing scents). and barako is always best with pan y mantequilla (or queso, depends on whom you ask). hehe. i love the smell of brewing beans. heck, i just love the smell of the beans by themselves.

i don't like the ambience of coffee shops, but i have to admit, i adore their taste in music. being a smooth jazz fan who was introduced to jazz late in life, i just love the music in cafes. smooth sounds of sax and piano make me think, "where have my ears been all this time when they played this music?"

(and since i love this music, i decided to share it with you guys. enjoy the jazzy sounds. i particularly love brian culbertson, and his rendition of i wanna know with kirk whalum is so sexy. his song 'our love' is also just as sensual, which reminds me so much of kilig-chivalric-dime novel-hero.

but pondering on this while sitting in front of my laptop and drinking coffee at 3:46 in the morning, i think, i would have loved to sit down at cafes to hang out and relax. i like the music, i like the smell, but most of all, i love coffee.

so what's stopping me?

well, speaking for someone who values their caffeine very much, coffee is overpriced, overrated, and undervalued. yes, well, that seems irrational.

it seems that if i want to get that brewed caffeine i really crave for, i have to stab my pocket. which shouldn't be the case, when i could just buy beans from the grocery store and make the rich coffee by myself. haha.

don't think too much about my ranting. it's just that it's nearing 4 am and i'm still on this computer, trying to figure out how to critique this really good research paper without dissecting it piece by piece.

i rely on coffee to keep me up during those late nights when i really need to finish my school work and school papers. it used to be cigarettes, but caffeine is less potent of the two health hazards.

my mom tells me i should keep from drinking coffee right about everyday. i have migraines (ever since i was twelve, i'm so old!) and caffeine is really bad for it. and my craving for chocolates doesn't help that either! as they say, masarap ang bawal.

and finally, finally, i have cancelled my friendster account. i may post a new friendster account soon, but not really. i'm not counting on it.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

third degree burns

one of my former blocmates in elbi recently posted something about relationships (particularly hers). i don't know why, but many of her words touch me, mostly because i can relate.

i'm still trying to stand up on my own and be brave. it's really not easy knowing that he can ease me out of his life while here i am still trying to cope with everything.

i borrowed this post, not because i'm inviting future bf's, but because i feel it talks about who i am and what i feel. i still feel angry at him and at myself at times, for doing so many wrong things that ruined the relationship, but mostly i'm angry at myself for not having the courage to keep my head up high.

i blamed myself for letting him get to me, for letting him hurt me that i had to drown myself in unforgiving loads just not to feel the hurt. i'm so stupid. i blame myself for giving too much, because i thought that was what he wanted. i thought i gave him what he wanted, because i want him to be happy. i was wrong completely.


An invitation to future boyfriends

Someone told me "I love you" today. It's ironic coz all I ever wanted is to be loved and now that someone's confessing that he does love me, I am refusing it. Why I'm not the "perfect" girlfriend:
-I'm stupid.
-I still love my first boyfriend.
-I am incapable of learning from my pasts.
-I'm confused.
-I have tons of problems. You wouldn't want to hear them. Trust me.
-I cry a lot.
-I am super sensitive.
-I am a green-eyed monster.
-I am matampuhin.
-I tend to be demanding.
-I tend to be illogical.
-I easily give up.
-I am mataray and masungit.
-I'm a bitch. (You judge me.)

Still want me to be your girlfriend? Here's more.
-I am caring. (too caring.. negative)
-I am too malambing and sweet. (nakakauta)
-I love hugs and kisses. (very physical?)
-I love deeply. (my mistake)
-I don't know how to let go. (true)
-Madali akong pagsawaan. (very true)
-I'm just the ordinary, typical kind of girlfriend.
I want to love and be loved. I'm not hoping for my first boyfriend to come back. He's out of the picture, believe me. But I will be choosy this time. Very choosy. This does not solely go for you (i know you're reading this.). This post is for all those who wanted their lives to be in chaos like mine.


one day i know i'll make a good girlfriend for someone. i don't want it to be soon. but still i don't want to be this lonely. heck, i'm drowning myself in schoolwork and late nights and i still feel depressed.

i used to think i was The girlfriend for him, the girl in his life. but suddenly i'm not anymore. he's so incapable of letting someone care for him and he doesn't know how to cherish what he has. there, i said it. it doesn't make me feel any better, but at least i'm honest.

just this past week he told me (online) that he loved me and he sent kisses my way. can he just stop messing with my head? kung mahal mo ko, panindigan mo. kung hindi mo kayang panindigan, huwag mo na lang sabihin. huwag mo na lang guluhin ang utak ko. that's probably the first time i've written something in filipino in this blog, and it quite captures what should be said.

there's no telling when this cycle of hatred will cease. gawd, i'm so freaking corny. i don't think i can ever love someone as much as i did him. there, i said it. stupid, ain't it.

i thought nobody could ever be like him, that no one could ever measure up to him. i looked up to him, i sought his advice and his comfort, i was proud of him and what he could achieve. he made me happy, and for me that's what matters.

my friend told me that this will really take time. healing from break-ups take time. i want it to heal, Now! but how can i, when all i think about are those what-ifs i might have? what if i let him go completely, just in time he realizes that he truly does not want me out of his life?

how did i ever become so terribly blind. i wish all of this is gone: no more highway emotions. the word for this? burned.

hopefully the day will come when i would have purged all my tears. still hoping. maybe one day i'll find someone like him, or better than him, but i'm not really hoping.


Sunday, January 07, 2007

16,000 free footsteps closer to heal

i'm completely afraid of being literally left alone by myself because my thoughts swim deep and now i'm immersed in my own flood of weakness.

i don't know any place else where i could put this, so now i'm writing. hopefully it can purge me. catharsis please.

breaking up is never really easy. especially if you've been together for almost three years. i can't really imagine myself not being with that person, because i shared with him so much of my life that i can't untangle myself from the web of his world. he is such a mess. i am in a worse mess than he is in now. i thought i could help him straighten out and fill in the cracks and become a better person, but he made me realize i can't because he doesn't really want to.

i thought i could make a person complete just by loving him and being myself with him. i tried to give him everything, but everything has been my mistake.

i thought his promises were enough to kindle this relationship, but they are all just promises.

i gave too much of myself, i realize that now. i gave him so much of me that he became sick of it.

it's just too much when i give more than what he can afford to give me.

i asked for too much from myself, and too much from him.

i can say i'm getting used to not having him around, but mostly because i have other people and other things around me who make me feel that i'm not alone.

it's not easy waking up one day unsure of how it will go as i tread an unknown path without the familiarity of the world i've known for so long. everyday as i wake up the only thing i'm sure of is that i miss him. awfully. terribly.

humanity has learned and healed from broken hearts but it never had the exact instruction how. maybe we are made to feel these things because the world reminds us that we are human.

i can simply walk away from these feelings and never again look back and regret what may have been. and i'll walk away, far away, to some paradise, but slowly, as he might catch up.

%so easy to love, so hard to heal%


Thursday, January 04, 2007

a not-so-bulilit mind

happy new year to all!

i'm quite happy about the new year and all that, and i hope this year will be a blast for me. hehe.

so what's new?

a new perspective on lovelife, for one thing. i'm starting to like not having a bf around, although i must say i miss him a lot, like missing talking and laughing with a best buddy. (bruha, if you're reading this, text me *wink*wink*).

also, i mentioned in my previous post a preview of the research paper my group and i are currently working on. embarking on a new journey in media. haha.

in techie terms, we're hoping to do a reception analysis of kids, aged 7 - 12 years, who watch Goin' Bulilit. basically it means that we want to know what kids think of the show, what feelings do they have on the issues that are presented, what values they get and learn from it, and so forth. Although Goin' Bulilit is a gag show, one can argue that not all the values, the issues, the current events that are portrayed are necessarily for kids. most of the time, the show has to do with the currents, the media, and the issues that adults are exposed to.

most often, people take for granted what children think about the world around them. this paper is hopefully a glance into what children think about shows that are supposedly for them. by kids simply giving the responses instead of the adults who frequently answer for them, we can get at least an honest truth about their perspectives.

after that, hopefully we can also get parents' views. if we have the time, that is, since it's a very limited resource, since this is a one semester thing.

two semesters ago we did a research paper on QTV, and last semester on radio promotion strategies, and i really hope that even with my limited experience in the broadcast media, i can still breeze you through what (at least i think it is) is an interesting taste of the audience's opinions.

btw, we're doing this qualitatively, meaning we won't be binding ourselves to surveys and such. haha.

sounds like much hashish at the start, but once the ball starts rolling, it's going to be a good game.

post-script. one day (if i have the time), i'll put up a different blog based solely on research work. topics will mostly be about media and communication. gawd, let me have time. haha.

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Saturn's precious star
the elder sister
a squirrel under the oak
never early
Venus' healing herb
la luna de la noche
a girl of wishes
pride inside
pretending to be smart
nicely tucked in
a lady not poised
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Location: San Juan, Philippines

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