sanipriya's musings

"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."

written by Adrienne Cecile Rich

Monday, November 27, 2006

these animals' quest for pleasure

i have just finished typing a paper for my psych101 class of a critique of an article so absurdingly titled The Animals with the Weirdest Sex Life.

in brief (get it? in brief? oh crap how corny), the article talks about how different our sex lives are from the animals. we do it in private instead of being proud like the dogs and other animals that do it in public. we have sex for recreation, not for reproduction, and mate even during the female's infertile period or even when the female has passed menopause and can no longer reproduce. also, quite different from animals is that we stay with our mates even after reproduction, unlike the animals that separate after fertilizing the female.

oh, i can very well say that some animals do leave females after impregnating them. i'm pertaining to humans.

i don't want to delve into what i wrote in the whole paper. i'm simply glad it's over. now i'm off to studying for two quizzes tomorrow, one for chem, and one for psych.

coffee to keep me up while i burn my eyebrows. hehe.

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being pathetic, part 2

i'm so pathetic.

i'm here staring into my computer, typing away the emptiness, hoping it will go away. pouring myself into a blog that i can blindly believe is my friend will be futile.

i want to stop crying now. please? i need the closure very badly, because i can't go on hanging on to something i can't have anymore. i can't have you anymore.

i want to go on without treading blindly. if i must tread the path alone, so be it. if we must start over, so be it. but i can't hang on to his words telling me to wait until every obstacle in his path is cleared. i can't hang on to him as his friend, because i know that slowly what we have will die away with time, and being with him while the embers of the fire are gradually going up in smoke is choking me. i can't have him falling out of love with me while i pretend to be his friend.

i don't want to give him up, but if it means that i must, for the more significant parts of his life, then i must. but just because i must doesn't mean i can. i can hope to try.

i must go on, like the small lifeboat must find the shore after the ship has sunk. i can't watch the ship beneath the sea hoping the wreck after the storm will be undone. i must survive the water and paddle until i get on land. what good will it do, anyway, when all i want is to stay with the wreck?

where are you? have you fallen beneath the waters?

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Sunday, November 26, 2006
a friend sent me this message a while ago which i think is nice to share:

"Love has no room for selfish people who think only of themselves. If we have been too busy with our work, or have been kept by our distorted priorities, then it's about time that we stop for a while and think about the people who we might have stepped on and taken for granted...

"Love is not forever. Let us not wait too long to appreciate those who have unselfishly given it to us, for all that may be left tomorrow are just the bitter and cold memories of someone who loved too much, but was never loved enough..."

i hope i may be given enough time to love and appreciate the people in my life now, because i may never have another life to love them again.


when the heart breaks

should i hold on to something i know isn't there anymore?

maybe by holding on, i still have hope that it would never be gone. or am i simply deluding myself from the feeling that what used to be just isn't there?

i get hurt everytime he tells me he still does love me but shows me otherwise. it's not hate. it's the indifference i can't stand.

i must have done something that blew the flame from the candle. but the white-gray smoke puffed up into the air i still try to collect and keep, which is ultimately impossible. summing up corny metaphors isn't the solution to this heartache.

i keep on getting hurt while i hold on, trying to keep alive what little that is left. my feelings aren't enough to keep this relationship above the water. i'm sinking.

the situation is no-win either. if i let go, i break in pieces. but if i hold on, i feel like i'm trying to push my head into the eye of a needle, i'm forcing myself into his life when i feel that he doesn't want me there anymore.

it's like a person giving the news that a loved one died--it's hard to sink in. he just doesn't love you like he used to.

he used to look at me as if i'm the only one for him, with puppy-dog eyes and bunny smiles. but when he looks at me now, he doesn't see me. he looks through me, as if i'm not there and he would rather have me not there.

hope still survives this relationship, that maybe tomorrow he'll tell you different. maybe tomorrow he'll remember how it feels. maybe tomorrow he'll treat you the way he did then. maybe tomorrow he'll realize how much you hurt. maybe tomorrow...

i hold on like the child holding on to the thought that Santa will be coming at midnight bearing presents, and come morning the joy will be overwhelming with a wonderful day of toys, food, family, and friends. but Santa isn't real.

i hold on simply because i can't face tomorrow. i don't know what it holds for me. would i miss him like i do now? i miss him terribly even if we're together, because he isn't with me. i lost him to the more significant parts of his life.

i love him so much that i'm willing to wait for him to remember what we used to have, even if it means i'm going to tread through unknown waters. i love him so much i can't stand it when he gets angry with me. i love him so much that i hate him for hurting me without him knowing how much.

my mother, if she knew about this, would have told me that someone who doesn't love me like i should be loved isn't worthy of an ounce of my affections.

i hold on to the hope that maybe one day he will tell me i'm all wrong, but instead, his actions tell me that i'm right: he isn't there anymore.


Monday, November 20, 2006

the turistas

and still more pictures. hehe.
turista-looking in front of graumann's chinese theater

johnny depp's footprints and handprints! jahanydef!!!

america-ish background (big bear lake, with lola and tita beth)

pretty julia as a princess on halloween... and her minions: peacock mariel, lion joanne, and schnoop doggie dog dog mark. (thanks to ate margaux's face painting!)

tita corito's and tito freddy's mountain cabin, with very young ladies crowding in front. hehe...

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reagan presidential library, big bear, and halloween

at long last, i now have pictures with me!
At the fountain in front of the Reagan Library

Big Bear Lake... with Uncle Freddy acting silly at the camera

Kuya Gio teaching me how to carve pumpkins

In front of a part of what used to be the Berlin Wall

A replica of a bear at Discovery in Big Bear... and me trying to replicate it.

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Monday, November 13, 2006

halloween, hollywood, and home

i've been trying to delay writing here since last week before i came home. on the fast track, we went to downtown disney with kuya gio and steph and the kids. i miss them already. we had fun building a bear and hopefully i could come back next year.

i didn't really like hollywood as much, because behind the glitz and glamour is really something else. walking along hollywood boulevard doesn't feel like it's the home of the stars. but i won't spoil the fun here, hehe. anyway, we went to grauman's chinese theater, and i took my picture with johnny depp's hand and footprints. oh wow. johnny depp. can i say wow again? wow.

then halloween that night. i've never been carolling at home and there i was trick or treating with kids and teenagers. i said i'm too old to be trick or treating, but nobody believes i'm twenty anyway, not even my cousins.

and then home bound the next day. i wished i could stay longer, but my mom and my siblings have classes the next week, and it's also my registration for the second semester. next year i'd really like to come back, i miss everybody.



Saturn's precious star
the elder sister
a squirrel under the oak
never early
Venus' healing herb
la luna de la noche
a girl of wishes
pride inside
pretending to be smart
nicely tucked in
a lady not poised
the talahiranya

Location: San Juan, Philippines

Notes and scribbles of a wayward child

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