"i never thought that by you building a new life and making new friends, i would be shut into a corner closet."




mariel, january 22, 2006. sinking again.

taking another step through the bridge

wow naman. two posts in one season.

i'd like to publicly thank my friend hilda and my friend dana who, with painstaking patience, guided me and listened to my rants throughout this breakup. thanks, you bruhahas. i love you. >hugs<

i told my friend dana that, on the third day right after the break up, i'm not bitter anymore. that's quite a lie, since there are still flashes of drama queen "why, oh why??" at certain lonely moments.

but yes, time can heal. i'm still hoping for that time. hilda advised me that usually it's for the best although i may not realize it as yet, so that i may focus my time and my efforts on what i really want to do instead of wasting them on him who doesn't really value it as much.

now, i don't really have that much time for myself. i'm fully loaded with schoolwork, just like the way it was before i met him. am i just filling my time so i won't have to think about him? it's obvious, very, but at least i feel i have accomplished something that furthers my pseudo-academic career.

i'm partial to missing him, but i can probably say i want to move on from here. it's not that i don't want any attachments; i still want him in my life, but if he doesn't want me in his, why should i bother?

i'm getting better each day. and hopefully getting less uglier without the eye bags. haha. if i have to be thrown out of my comfortable fish bowl into the big, cruel pond, i may as well have a catch, right?

i'm not hoping for rebounds, as it is, i'm still on the shaky footbridge across the ravine to completely heal. maybe i might need a hand to help me across, or maybe someone is waiting on the other side, who knows? i'm not really sure.

at times i think, what if one day he comes back to me? will i let him? i'm not really sure. may be. may be not. i will have to think about that.

we're still friends, but by being labelled as friends really ticks me, since it's like putting a white picket fence around a toxic industrial site. even though it may seem incomprehensible, letting myself talk to him helps me sink all of it in that we're not the "we" anymore.

i'm afraid that the day will come that he will have another girl who will hold his hand and who will share all his secrets and dreams. i used to be that girl, so should i have a say on who he would date in the future? (so conceited me, i think i have a legacy that should be lived up to. hahahaha.)

i'm also afraid that i might one day realize he's not really the one for me. let's face it: i still love him. for so long i thought he was the one. i wanted him to be that one i'll be with till i lie on my deathbed (nu ba? corny). so i can't picture just anyone taking his place. it has to be someone who will keep me.

so maybe i am hoping for him to come back. or maybe i am hoping for that someone to come in my life to ease me from this feeling.

i'm getting tired of posting lovey-dovey mindless chatter about him and this breakup, but it's what's on my mind, nearly most of my waking hours. i'll get over it one day. not today however. i'll be writing and writing and writing and writing about it until i get sick of it. like he got sick of me. i'll tire and bore myself of writing under the label heartbreak until i could no longer type the putrid corny words.

even then, i admire him. i'm saying this more to myself just so i'll feel better. i admire him for resisting the feeling of missing me. i'm not easily forgotten. i dug a ditch (no, a valley) deep into his life that it'll take him more than just alzheimer's and the damage to his hippocampus to forget me.

third degree burns

one of my former blocmates in elbi recently posted something about relationships (particularly hers). i don't know why, but many of her words touch me, mostly because i can relate.

i'm still trying to stand up on my own and be brave. it's really not easy knowing that he can ease me out of his life while here i am still trying to cope with everything.

i borrowed this post, not because i'm inviting future bf's, but because i feel it talks about who i am and what i feel. i still feel angry at him and at myself at times, for doing so many wrong things that ruined the relationship, but mostly i'm angry at myself for not having the courage to keep my head up high.

i blamed myself for letting him get to me, for letting him hurt me that i had to drown myself in unforgiving loads just not to feel the hurt. i'm so stupid. i blame myself for giving too much, because i thought that was what he wanted. i thought i gave him what he wanted, because i want him to be happy. i was wrong completely.

-----

An invitation to future boyfriends

Someone told me "I love you" today. It's ironic coz all I ever wanted is to be loved and now that someone's confessing that he does love me, I am refusing it. Why I'm not the "perfect" girlfriend:
-I'm stupid.
-I still love my first boyfriend.
-I am incapable of learning from my pasts.
-I'm confused.
-I have tons of problems. You wouldn't want to hear them. Trust me.
-I cry a lot.
-I am super sensitive.
-I am a green-eyed monster.
-I am matampuhin.
-I tend to be demanding.
-I tend to be illogical.
-I easily give up.
-I am mataray and masungit.
-I'm a bitch. (You judge me.)

Still want me to be your girlfriend? Here's more.
-I am caring. (too caring.. negative)
-I am too malambing and sweet. (nakakauta)
-I love hugs and kisses. (very physical?)
-I love deeply. (my mistake)
-I don't know how to let go. (true)
-Madali akong pagsawaan. (very true)
-I'm just the ordinary, typical kind of girlfriend.
...
I want to love and be loved. I'm not hoping for my first boyfriend to come back. He's out of the picture, believe me. But I will be choosy this time. Very choosy. This does not solely go for you (i know you're reading this.). This post is for all those who wanted their lives to be in chaos like mine.

-----

one day i know i'll make a good girlfriend for someone. i don't want it to be soon. but still i don't want to be this lonely. heck, i'm drowning myself in schoolwork and late nights and i still feel depressed.

i used to think i was The girlfriend for him, the girl in his life. but suddenly i'm not anymore. he's so incapable of letting someone care for him and he doesn't know how to cherish what he has. there, i said it. it doesn't make me feel any better, but at least i'm honest.

just this past week he told me (online) that he loved me and he sent kisses my way. can he just stop messing with my head? kung mahal mo ko, panindigan mo. kung hindi mo kayang panindigan, huwag mo na lang sabihin. huwag mo na lang guluhin ang utak ko. that's probably the first time i've written something in filipino in this blog, and it quite captures what should be said.

there's no telling when this cycle of hatred will cease. gawd, i'm so freaking corny. i don't think i can ever love someone as much as i did him. there, i said it. stupid, ain't it.

i thought nobody could ever be like him, that no one could ever measure up to him. i looked up to him, i sought his advice and his comfort, i was proud of him and what he could achieve. he made me happy, and for me that's what matters.

my friend told me that this will really take time. healing from break-ups take time. i want it to heal, Now! but how can i, when all i think about are those what-ifs i might have? what if i let him go completely, just in time he realizes that he truly does not want me out of his life?

how did i ever become so terribly blind. i wish all of this is gone: no more highway emotions. the word for this? burned.

hopefully the day will come when i would have purged all my tears. still hoping. maybe one day i'll find someone like him, or better than him, but i'm not really hoping.

16,000 free footsteps closer to heal

i'm completely afraid of being literally left alone by myself because my thoughts swim deep and now i'm immersed in my own flood of weakness.

i don't know any place else where i could put this, so now i'm writing. hopefully it can purge me. catharsis please.

breaking up is never really easy. especially if you've been together for almost three years. i can't really imagine myself not being with that person, because i shared with him so much of my life that i can't untangle myself from the web of his world. he is such a mess. i am in a worse mess than he is in now. i thought i could help him straighten out and fill in the cracks and become a better person, but he made me realize i can't because he doesn't really want to.

i thought i could make a person complete just by loving him and being myself with him. i tried to give him everything, but everything has been my mistake.

i thought his promises were enough to kindle this relationship, but they are all just promises.

i gave too much of myself, i realize that now. i gave him so much of me that he became sick of it.

it's just too much when i give more than what he can afford to give me.

i asked for too much from myself, and too much from him.

i can say i'm getting used to not having him around, but mostly because i have other people and other things around me who make me feel that i'm not alone.

it's not easy waking up one day unsure of how it will go as i tread an unknown path without the familiarity of the world i've known for so long. everyday as i wake up the only thing i'm sure of is that i miss him. awfully. terribly.

humanity has learned and healed from broken hearts but it never had the exact instruction how. maybe we are made to feel these things because the world reminds us that we are human.

i can simply walk away from these feelings and never again look back and regret what may have been. and i'll walk away, far away, to some paradise, but slowly, as he might catch up.

%so easy to love, so hard to heal%

being pathetic, part 2

i'm so pathetic.

i'm here staring into my computer, typing away the emptiness, hoping it will go away. pouring myself into a blog that i can blindly believe is my friend will be futile.

i want to stop crying now. please? i need the closure very badly, because i can't go on hanging on to something i can't have anymore. i can't have you anymore.

i want to go on without treading blindly. if i must tread the path alone, so be it. if we must start over, so be it. but i can't hang on to his words telling me to wait until every obstacle in his path is cleared. i can't hang on to him as his friend, because i know that slowly what we have will die away with time, and being with him while the embers of the fire are gradually going up in smoke is choking me. i can't have him falling out of love with me while i pretend to be his friend.

i don't want to give him up, but if it means that i must, for the more significant parts of his life, then i must. but just because i must doesn't mean i can. i can hope to try.

i must go on, like the small lifeboat must find the shore after the ship has sunk. i can't watch the ship beneath the sea hoping the wreck after the storm will be undone. i must survive the water and paddle until i get on land. what good will it do, anyway, when all i want is to stay with the wreck?

where are you? have you fallen beneath the waters?

when the heart breaks

should i hold on to something i know isn't there anymore?

maybe by holding on, i still have hope that it would never be gone. or am i simply deluding myself from the feeling that what used to be just isn't there?

i get hurt everytime he tells me he still does love me but shows me otherwise. it's not hate. it's the indifference i can't stand.

i must have done something that blew the flame from the candle. but the white-gray smoke puffed up into the air i still try to collect and keep, which is ultimately impossible. summing up corny metaphors isn't the solution to this heartache.

i keep on getting hurt while i hold on, trying to keep alive what little that is left. my feelings aren't enough to keep this relationship above the water. i'm sinking.

the situation is no-win either. if i let go, i break in pieces. but if i hold on, i feel like i'm trying to push my head into the eye of a needle, i'm forcing myself into his life when i feel that he doesn't want me there anymore.

it's like a person giving the news that a loved one died--it's hard to sink in. he just doesn't love you like he used to.

he used to look at me as if i'm the only one for him, with puppy-dog eyes and bunny smiles. but when he looks at me now, he doesn't see me. he looks through me, as if i'm not there and he would rather have me not there.

hope still survives this relationship, that maybe tomorrow he'll tell you different. maybe tomorrow he'll remember how it feels. maybe tomorrow he'll treat you the way he did then. maybe tomorrow he'll realize how much you hurt. maybe tomorrow...

i hold on like the child holding on to the thought that Santa will be coming at midnight bearing presents, and come morning the joy will be overwhelming with a wonderful day of toys, food, family, and friends. but Santa isn't real.

i hold on simply because i can't face tomorrow. i don't know what it holds for me. would i miss him like i do now? i miss him terribly even if we're together, because he isn't with me. i lost him to the more significant parts of his life.

i love him so much that i'm willing to wait for him to remember what we used to have, even if it means i'm going to tread through unknown waters. i love him so much i can't stand it when he gets angry with me. i love him so much that i hate him for hurting me without him knowing how much.

my mother, if she knew about this, would have told me that someone who doesn't love me like i should be loved isn't worthy of an ounce of my affections.

i hold on to the hope that maybe one day he will tell me i'm all wrong, but instead, his actions tell me that i'm right: he isn't there anymore.