being pathetic, part 2

i'm so pathetic.

i'm here staring into my computer, typing away the emptiness, hoping it will go away. pouring myself into a blog that i can blindly believe is my friend will be futile.

i want to stop crying now. please? i need the closure very badly, because i can't go on hanging on to something i can't have anymore. i can't have you anymore.

i want to go on without treading blindly. if i must tread the path alone, so be it. if we must start over, so be it. but i can't hang on to his words telling me to wait until every obstacle in his path is cleared. i can't hang on to him as his friend, because i know that slowly what we have will die away with time, and being with him while the embers of the fire are gradually going up in smoke is choking me. i can't have him falling out of love with me while i pretend to be his friend.

i don't want to give him up, but if it means that i must, for the more significant parts of his life, then i must. but just because i must doesn't mean i can. i can hope to try.

i must go on, like the small lifeboat must find the shore after the ship has sunk. i can't watch the ship beneath the sea hoping the wreck after the storm will be undone. i must survive the water and paddle until i get on land. what good will it do, anyway, when all i want is to stay with the wreck?

where are you? have you fallen beneath the waters?