"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."

written by Adrienne Cecile Rich

Monday, November 27, 2006

being pathetic, part 2

i'm so pathetic.

i'm here staring into my computer, typing away the emptiness, hoping it will go away. pouring myself into a blog that i can blindly believe is my friend will be futile.

i want to stop crying now. please? i need the closure very badly, because i can't go on hanging on to something i can't have anymore. i can't have you anymore.

i want to go on without treading blindly. if i must tread the path alone, so be it. if we must start over, so be it. but i can't hang on to his words telling me to wait until every obstacle in his path is cleared. i can't hang on to him as his friend, because i know that slowly what we have will die away with time, and being with him while the embers of the fire are gradually going up in smoke is choking me. i can't have him falling out of love with me while i pretend to be his friend.

i don't want to give him up, but if it means that i must, for the more significant parts of his life, then i must. but just because i must doesn't mean i can. i can hope to try.

i must go on, like the small lifeboat must find the shore after the ship has sunk. i can't watch the ship beneath the sea hoping the wreck after the storm will be undone. i must survive the water and paddle until i get on land. what good will it do, anyway, when all i want is to stay with the wreck?

where are you? have you fallen beneath the waters?

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Saturn's precious star
the elder sister
a squirrel under the oak
never early
Venus' healing herb
la luna de la noche
a girl of wishes
pride inside
pretending to be smart
nicely tucked in
a lady not poised
the talahiranya

Location: San Juan, Philippines

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