it's you again

kinikilig ako.

and he's so not right for me.

isn't he?

we're so alright as friends, and most of the time i think that's just what we should be. but right now, i'm feeling something different. maybe a reawakening, perhaps something bigger this time?

but every time i feel something for him, i try to make it die out, since i treasure our friendship so much. yes, there is still such a thing as falling for a friend, and keeping it that way: a friendship.

i remember feeling this way for him before i fell for another. i didn't do anything about it. i let it die out. did it, really, just die out? or did i just hide it, and to come out at a time i least expect?

i remember talking about this before. a blog post dated may 25 of this year. i let those feelings die out. i didn't want to ruin us. i was afraid. i was so scared. i walked away, because i knew that if i had stayed on, something could have, um, happened.

he's so weird. so nice, too. we both click, and sometimes i hate it, because i can see another person who shares the same philosophies with me.

we click. i told him that. but sometimes, too, we don't. we don't jive in the same waves that we're on the extreme ends.

but i know he admires me, in a way. not to brag or anything, but my instincts tell me that he did feel something for me, but it was at a wrong time. he felt something, that much i knew, from how he acted towards me at that time.

damn. the very things that attract me to him are also the very things that repel me. can i just say ewness again?

i can't imagine the both of us together. we're like two childhood playmates, and nothing serious can come out of that.

sometimes i wish i could see something deeper in the both of us. but most of the time i wish i wouldn't. i wish i wouldn't, because by then i wouldn't have any reason to hope for the both of us to be together.

we've been friends for like a thousand years. to think how long we've known each other is like going jurassic--it's too far back. and that's what we remained: friends. we've been through each other's hopeless lovelives, hateful hell weeks, and insignificant problems. but most of the time, i think that i don't want to lose him to some petty girlish crush, because maybe best friends is just what we were meant to be.

and maybe i'm just going through this for the comfort of having him around, since i can get depressed on some days. soon i would have to wake up again.

i wish i didn't feel this. gawd, i thought this was just a high school crush. please make this just another high school crush. we make a good twosome, but not a couple. and i don't want to find out for myself if we can be what people think we can be. not now.

[and yet i'm excited at the thought that we'd hang out again this week, since we haven't seen each other in a while. wonder what part of hell that will take us? chaka talaga.

--

i love you for many things that you are, and i also hate those many things that make you you. sometimes i can't stand you. but sometimes i seek your presence in my life, because you bring me comfort at the times i need them most. but most of the time you just bring me good laughs and good memories. i hope they remain as that: good memories. i don't want to ruin us.

if i pull myself away from you again, like i did before, it's for the best. we're getting too close again, and one of us has to walk away. for now, at least.

maybe i do love you. but you're all wrong for me, just as i am all wrong for you.

and maybe while you're reading this, you're wondering, why only now.

being pathetic, part 2

i'm so pathetic.

i'm here staring into my computer, typing away the emptiness, hoping it will go away. pouring myself into a blog that i can blindly believe is my friend will be futile.

i want to stop crying now. please? i need the closure very badly, because i can't go on hanging on to something i can't have anymore. i can't have you anymore.

i want to go on without treading blindly. if i must tread the path alone, so be it. if we must start over, so be it. but i can't hang on to his words telling me to wait until every obstacle in his path is cleared. i can't hang on to him as his friend, because i know that slowly what we have will die away with time, and being with him while the embers of the fire are gradually going up in smoke is choking me. i can't have him falling out of love with me while i pretend to be his friend.

i don't want to give him up, but if it means that i must, for the more significant parts of his life, then i must. but just because i must doesn't mean i can. i can hope to try.

i must go on, like the small lifeboat must find the shore after the ship has sunk. i can't watch the ship beneath the sea hoping the wreck after the storm will be undone. i must survive the water and paddle until i get on land. what good will it do, anyway, when all i want is to stay with the wreck?

where are you? have you fallen beneath the waters?

a friend sent me this message a while ago which i think is nice to share:

"Love has no room for selfish people who think only of themselves. If we have been too busy with our work, or have been kept by our distorted priorities, then it's about time that we stop for a while and think about the people who we might have stepped on and taken for granted...

"Love is not forever. Let us not wait too long to appreciate those who have unselfishly given it to us, for all that may be left tomorrow are just the bitter and cold memories of someone who loved too much, but was never loved enough..."


i hope i may be given enough time to love and appreciate the people in my life now, because i may never have another life to love them again.