"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."


Planetarium
written by Adrienne Cecile Rich




Sunday, January 14, 2007

third degree burns

one of my former blocmates in elbi recently posted something about relationships (particularly hers). i don't know why, but many of her words touch me, mostly because i can relate.

i'm still trying to stand up on my own and be brave. it's really not easy knowing that he can ease me out of his life while here i am still trying to cope with everything.

i borrowed this post, not because i'm inviting future bf's, but because i feel it talks about who i am and what i feel. i still feel angry at him and at myself at times, for doing so many wrong things that ruined the relationship, but mostly i'm angry at myself for not having the courage to keep my head up high.

i blamed myself for letting him get to me, for letting him hurt me that i had to drown myself in unforgiving loads just not to feel the hurt. i'm so stupid. i blame myself for giving too much, because i thought that was what he wanted. i thought i gave him what he wanted, because i want him to be happy. i was wrong completely.

-----

An invitation to future boyfriends

Someone told me "I love you" today. It's ironic coz all I ever wanted is to be loved and now that someone's confessing that he does love me, I am refusing it. Why I'm not the "perfect" girlfriend:
-I'm stupid.
-I still love my first boyfriend.
-I am incapable of learning from my pasts.
-I'm confused.
-I have tons of problems. You wouldn't want to hear them. Trust me.
-I cry a lot.
-I am super sensitive.
-I am a green-eyed monster.
-I am matampuhin.
-I tend to be demanding.
-I tend to be illogical.
-I easily give up.
-I am mataray and masungit.
-I'm a bitch. (You judge me.)

Still want me to be your girlfriend? Here's more.
-I am caring. (too caring.. negative)
-I am too malambing and sweet. (nakakauta)
-I love hugs and kisses. (very physical?)
-I love deeply. (my mistake)
-I don't know how to let go. (true)
-Madali akong pagsawaan. (very true)
-I'm just the ordinary, typical kind of girlfriend.
...
I want to love and be loved. I'm not hoping for my first boyfriend to come back. He's out of the picture, believe me. But I will be choosy this time. Very choosy. This does not solely go for you (i know you're reading this.). This post is for all those who wanted their lives to be in chaos like mine.

-----

one day i know i'll make a good girlfriend for someone. i don't want it to be soon. but still i don't want to be this lonely. heck, i'm drowning myself in schoolwork and late nights and i still feel depressed.

i used to think i was The girlfriend for him, the girl in his life. but suddenly i'm not anymore. he's so incapable of letting someone care for him and he doesn't know how to cherish what he has. there, i said it. it doesn't make me feel any better, but at least i'm honest.

just this past week he told me (online) that he loved me and he sent kisses my way. can he just stop messing with my head? kung mahal mo ko, panindigan mo. kung hindi mo kayang panindigan, huwag mo na lang sabihin. huwag mo na lang guluhin ang utak ko. that's probably the first time i've written something in filipino in this blog, and it quite captures what should be said.

there's no telling when this cycle of hatred will cease. gawd, i'm so freaking corny. i don't think i can ever love someone as much as i did him. there, i said it. stupid, ain't it.

i thought nobody could ever be like him, that no one could ever measure up to him. i looked up to him, i sought his advice and his comfort, i was proud of him and what he could achieve. he made me happy, and for me that's what matters.

my friend told me that this will really take time. healing from break-ups take time. i want it to heal, Now! but how can i, when all i think about are those what-ifs i might have? what if i let him go completely, just in time he realizes that he truly does not want me out of his life?

how did i ever become so terribly blind. i wish all of this is gone: no more highway emotions. the word for this? burned.

hopefully the day will come when i would have purged all my tears. still hoping. maybe one day i'll find someone like him, or better than him, but i'm not really hoping.

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3 Comments:

  • At 1/15/2007 2:29 PM, Blogger -pAm- mused…

    hello girl!:D

    sino ba naman ang hindi gustong mahalin talaga? it will come..:P

    ei.thanks for your advice..i've made up my mind to quit already..how did you handle it? i mean..pano mo sinabi yun sa kanila and at the end you're still "alive"?

    [know what i mean?waaah. stupid me kasi..]

    thanks. need advice talaga.:D

     
  • At 1/15/2007 9:14 PM, Blogger jean.movie mused…

    hey.. you'll get over it. :)
    It's just that your used to having a boyfriend and missing someone who cares for you (in a romantic way i mean..) will always be a part of it.

    who knows if the next is one hot guy right?

    I know you'll get over it. :)

     
  • At 1/18/2007 6:46 PM, Blogger adrian mused…

    Awts... galing talaga sa puso ang post nia... pero ung masabihan ka ng I love you is one of the greatest treasure na pwde mong... uh... i-treasure. May dalawang girl ng nag-confess sa akin... at ibang saya ang nabigay sakin nun... and I just wish I could love them back. Ansaklap talaga ng buhay pagibeg. Hanggat ndi mutual meron talagang nasasaktan.

    I'm guilty with this - "kung mahal mo ko, panindigan mo. kung hindi mo kayang panindigan, huwag mo na lang sabihin. huwag mo na lang guluhin ang utak ko." Ewan ko ba. Feeling ko kasi ala talaga akong kwenta... pero ang weird ko kasi napakagaling kong mag-confess... yun nga lang, madali din akong mag-give-up. Gulo ko no? I guess love is really not for me.

    Magka-age pla tau... at pareho pa taung year of the tiger! hehe so... ala lang haha. Ngiti ka lang lage at unti-unti din maghihilom ang burn na yan =) God Bless po =)

     

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