third degree burns

one of my former blocmates in elbi recently posted something about relationships (particularly hers). i don't know why, but many of her words touch me, mostly because i can relate.

i'm still trying to stand up on my own and be brave. it's really not easy knowing that he can ease me out of his life while here i am still trying to cope with everything.

i borrowed this post, not because i'm inviting future bf's, but because i feel it talks about who i am and what i feel. i still feel angry at him and at myself at times, for doing so many wrong things that ruined the relationship, but mostly i'm angry at myself for not having the courage to keep my head up high.

i blamed myself for letting him get to me, for letting him hurt me that i had to drown myself in unforgiving loads just not to feel the hurt. i'm so stupid. i blame myself for giving too much, because i thought that was what he wanted. i thought i gave him what he wanted, because i want him to be happy. i was wrong completely.

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An invitation to future boyfriends

Someone told me "I love you" today. It's ironic coz all I ever wanted is to be loved and now that someone's confessing that he does love me, I am refusing it. Why I'm not the "perfect" girlfriend:
-I'm stupid.
-I still love my first boyfriend.
-I am incapable of learning from my pasts.
-I'm confused.
-I have tons of problems. You wouldn't want to hear them. Trust me.
-I cry a lot.
-I am super sensitive.
-I am a green-eyed monster.
-I am matampuhin.
-I tend to be demanding.
-I tend to be illogical.
-I easily give up.
-I am mataray and masungit.
-I'm a bitch. (You judge me.)

Still want me to be your girlfriend? Here's more.
-I am caring. (too caring.. negative)
-I am too malambing and sweet. (nakakauta)
-I love hugs and kisses. (very physical?)
-I love deeply. (my mistake)
-I don't know how to let go. (true)
-Madali akong pagsawaan. (very true)
-I'm just the ordinary, typical kind of girlfriend.
...
I want to love and be loved. I'm not hoping for my first boyfriend to come back. He's out of the picture, believe me. But I will be choosy this time. Very choosy. This does not solely go for you (i know you're reading this.). This post is for all those who wanted their lives to be in chaos like mine.

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one day i know i'll make a good girlfriend for someone. i don't want it to be soon. but still i don't want to be this lonely. heck, i'm drowning myself in schoolwork and late nights and i still feel depressed.

i used to think i was The girlfriend for him, the girl in his life. but suddenly i'm not anymore. he's so incapable of letting someone care for him and he doesn't know how to cherish what he has. there, i said it. it doesn't make me feel any better, but at least i'm honest.

just this past week he told me (online) that he loved me and he sent kisses my way. can he just stop messing with my head? kung mahal mo ko, panindigan mo. kung hindi mo kayang panindigan, huwag mo na lang sabihin. huwag mo na lang guluhin ang utak ko. that's probably the first time i've written something in filipino in this blog, and it quite captures what should be said.

there's no telling when this cycle of hatred will cease. gawd, i'm so freaking corny. i don't think i can ever love someone as much as i did him. there, i said it. stupid, ain't it.

i thought nobody could ever be like him, that no one could ever measure up to him. i looked up to him, i sought his advice and his comfort, i was proud of him and what he could achieve. he made me happy, and for me that's what matters.

my friend told me that this will really take time. healing from break-ups take time. i want it to heal, Now! but how can i, when all i think about are those what-ifs i might have? what if i let him go completely, just in time he realizes that he truly does not want me out of his life?

how did i ever become so terribly blind. i wish all of this is gone: no more highway emotions. the word for this? burned.

hopefully the day will come when i would have purged all my tears. still hoping. maybe one day i'll find someone like him, or better than him, but i'm not really hoping.