"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."

written by Adrienne Cecile Rich

Sunday, January 21, 2007

taking another step through the bridge

wow naman. two posts in one season.

i'd like to publicly thank my friend hilda and my friend dana who, with painstaking patience, guided me and listened to my rants throughout this breakup. thanks, you bruhahas. i love you. >hugs<

i told my friend dana that, on the third day right after the break up, i'm not bitter anymore. that's quite a lie, since there are still flashes of drama queen "why, oh why??" at certain lonely moments.

but yes, time can heal. i'm still hoping for that time. hilda advised me that usually it's for the best although i may not realize it as yet, so that i may focus my time and my efforts on what i really want to do instead of wasting them on him who doesn't really value it as much.

now, i don't really have that much time for myself. i'm fully loaded with schoolwork, just like the way it was before i met him. am i just filling my time so i won't have to think about him? it's obvious, very, but at least i feel i have accomplished something that furthers my pseudo-academic career.

i'm partial to missing him, but i can probably say i want to move on from here. it's not that i don't want any attachments; i still want him in my life, but if he doesn't want me in his, why should i bother?

i'm getting better each day. and hopefully getting less uglier without the eye bags. haha. if i have to be thrown out of my comfortable fish bowl into the big, cruel pond, i may as well have a catch, right?

i'm not hoping for rebounds, as it is, i'm still on the shaky footbridge across the ravine to completely heal. maybe i might need a hand to help me across, or maybe someone is waiting on the other side, who knows? i'm not really sure.

at times i think, what if one day he comes back to me? will i let him? i'm not really sure. may be. may be not. i will have to think about that.

we're still friends, but by being labelled as friends really ticks me, since it's like putting a white picket fence around a toxic industrial site. even though it may seem incomprehensible, letting myself talk to him helps me sink all of it in that we're not the "we" anymore.

i'm afraid that the day will come that he will have another girl who will hold his hand and who will share all his secrets and dreams. i used to be that girl, so should i have a say on who he would date in the future? (so conceited me, i think i have a legacy that should be lived up to. hahahaha.)

i'm also afraid that i might one day realize he's not really the one for me. let's face it: i still love him. for so long i thought he was the one. i wanted him to be that one i'll be with till i lie on my deathbed (nu ba? corny). so i can't picture just anyone taking his place. it has to be someone who will keep me.

so maybe i am hoping for him to come back. or maybe i am hoping for that someone to come in my life to ease me from this feeling.

i'm getting tired of posting lovey-dovey mindless chatter about him and this breakup, but it's what's on my mind, nearly most of my waking hours. i'll get over it one day. not today however. i'll be writing and writing and writing and writing about it until i get sick of it. like he got sick of me. i'll tire and bore myself of writing under the label heartbreak until i could no longer type the putrid corny words.

even then, i admire him. i'm saying this more to myself just so i'll feel better. i admire him for resisting the feeling of missing me. i'm not easily forgotten. i dug a ditch (no, a valley) deep into his life that it'll take him more than just alzheimer's and the damage to his hippocampus to forget me.



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Saturn's precious star
the elder sister
a squirrel under the oak
never early
Venus' healing herb
la luna de la noche
a girl of wishes
pride inside
pretending to be smart
nicely tucked in
a lady not poised
the talahiranya

Location: San Juan, Philippines

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