lift one another up

tonight was my first time to watch elevate. and it so rocked. ha.

i've never really been to a dance concert before (save the dance recital we were required to participate in during the semester that i took ballroom), and this experience really blew me away.

talk about amazing choreography. i was impressed.

hm, before i ramble on... elevate is an annual cheering competition and concert held by the u.p. pep squad. it shows that other side of the pep squad, that they're not just into acrobatics and cheering stunts and all that. it highlights the talent that each member has: dance.

tonight's concert brought to stage 12 different dance themes for each month of the year. so imagine us audience counting down one whole year through dance. makes me wish for a year of musicals, just like grease.(oh yeah, that's not our generation. whatever.)

january highlighted folk dances. bored me, actually, since i am so used to seeing this stuff. but february blew me away. ballroom. on a dancefloor where you can be erotic yet gentle at the same time. its theme is valentines, and what is more romantic (and sensual, is you ask me) than a latin dance? oooh. reminds me of past daydreams when i would wish to be swept off my feet by a latino with sexy eyes. oooh. the girls danced sensually (not that i'm sapphic!). hm. i wish i could dance like them.

so, come march. ballet. ballet is actually my frustration. and cool, they put on the graduation march song and then rock music. loved the choreo. april, cuaresma, an even better choreo. they did interpretative, and i loved it (especially the part when they depicted jesus on the cross). i was amazed, and so was yani, who gushed that it was her favorite of all.

hm. summer in may. angel rocked this part. haha. loved your streetdancing, girl, and the stunts! you made it look all so easy, as if it's natural, like walking. anyway, *strains of jt's sexyback soundtripping in my head.

fastforward to june. i laughed at all the comments at uste. hahaha. another hahaha. maybe this year will be championship year. i'm certainly hoping for that. up needs a win! i messed up the dances with the months, but i definitely loved the drummers' part. i got goosebumps from that; everybody was in sync. i think i got hoarse from chanting ooh-nee-bersidad-ng-pee-lee-pee-nas. hahaha. and i loved the choreo about the injuries the pep squad gets from training. talk about brilliant.

and then september, cheering competition! woohoo! i'll be seeing you u.p. people in araneta this year. then octoberfest na! yep, the month of nonstop booze, the time when sembreak days are spent having incoherent dreams in bed having hangovers from last night's partying. it's so funny--the choreo was silly (silly-entertaining, not silly-stupid) and the guys wore girl clothing: skirts and tank tops. yeah, you know how drunk college kids can get.

and november? instead of doing spooky dances with goth-type costumes, they went for white with red accents (i sound gay. hm). no, i mean, they wore red undies. and flashlights. hehe. talk about ghosts partying at night. after that, all the cheeriness of december. i particularly liked the costumes of shaider (was that shaider?) and teen titans' robin.

it's not obvious that i'm so ecstatic about this one, right? i'll be back next year. wooo.

and next year i'll grab better seats. haha.

kisap-mata?

naisip kong ilagay ito rito 'pagkat wala na rin lang naman akong paglagyang iba nito. nagpapaka-emo lang naman ako.

milagro, no, nagsulat ako sa Filipino, bagay na pinilit kong huwag gawin. ititigil ko lang pansamantala ang pagbalat-kayo; mas masarap magsulat ngayon sa wikang nakasanayan.

malalim ako ngayon sa tagalog: malalim rin naman ang isusulat ko. itutugma ko na.

mahirap maghintay nang hindi nalalaman kung darating ba ang hinihintay. malapit na sa isang buwan akong naghintay, ngunit walang pasabi-sabi ay nawala siya. tiniis niya ako, isang bagay na hindi niya kayang gawin noong kami pa. tiniis ko rin siya, dahil hindi ko alam ang susunod na dapat gawin. sino ba ako sa kanya, saan ba ako sa buhay niya, mga bagay na hindi ko masagot. naghintay ako ng sagot na hindi naman dumating.

nagkamali akong isipin na siya na ang aking panghabang-buhay. ang jologs isipin, no? magtatatlong taon na sana kami ngayong ika-5 ng marso, pero ang tadhana hindi kami pinaabot doon. tama lang siguro, 'pagkat kung magtatagal pa kami ay mas lalo pa naming masasaktan ang isa't isa.

minahal ko siya; iniyakan ko nang palagian. tinanong ako, kung babalikan ba niya ako ngayon tatanggapin ko pa rin ba. nagkaroon kami ng aming panahon, at sa paglipas ay nagbago kami. nagbago siya sa paraang hindi ko matanggap, kaya kahit naman kami pa rin ngayon ay hindi ko siya matatanggap sa mga bagay na pinagbago niya. hindi ko siya kayang kundisyonan na mamahalin ko siya ngunit lalagyan ko siya ng limitasyon, ngunit ayaw ko rin naman na masaktan dahil sa kanyang pagbabago.

iba na ang buhay niya. iba na ang pinag-iinugan ng mundo niya. iba na ang kanyang mga pananaw. maaaring hindi nagbago ang kanyang pagmamahal at hindi naman nagbago ang akin, pero hindi kami maaaring magpatuloy nang hindi namin tanggap ang isa't isa.

kaya nga, sana magkapatawaran na lang kami. hindi rin naman kami uusad kung kami pa ngayon. sana mapatawad niya ang mga pagkukulang ko at ang mga pagkakamali ko sa kanya; ang hangad ko lang naman ay ang kanyang kaligayahan at kabutihan. akala ko alam ko kung ano ang nararapat--hindi pala.

ngayon, tanggap ko na hindi na kami. naluluha pa rin ako paminsan at napapa-buntong hininga sa mga pangyayari. tinatawanan ako ng mga kaibigan ko. ano ka ba mariel, marami pang iba diyan, ang lagi kong naririnig na payo.

ang pinakamasakit ngayon ay ang kanyang pagwawalang-bahala sa mga pangyayari. pagkatapos ng mahabang samahan ang tila nagkalimutan na. mahirap isipin na noong makalawang buwan lang ay isa akong mahalagang bahagi ng buhay niya. ngayon ay parang isa na lamang siyang taong nakatabi ko sa mrt--hindi ko kilala, hindi ko alam kung saan ang susunod niyang pupuntahan, walang pakialamanan basta't hindi namin natatapakan ang mga paa ng isa't isa.

para sa akin ngayon ay patay na ang dating mahal ko. marahas na sabihin. may minahal akong tao na nawala sa piling ko nang walang pasabi, hindi man lang ako nakapaghanda. hindi ko na siya maibabalik.

hindi ko siya mapapalitan. maraming bagay ang hahanapin ko at maaalala ko tungkol sa kanya. marami rin naman akong natutunan sa aming samahan. hindi ako nagkamali na minahal ko siya, ang mali ko lang ay ang mga akala.

sa ngayon, oo nga, marami pa naman diyan. maraming mag-uukol sa akin ng pansin. marami rin akong pag-uukulan ng pansin. hindi pa ako handa sa isang bagong pag-ibig. kailangan munang yakapin ko nang lubos ang mga pangyayari at mga leksyon nito. hindi ko pa kayang sumabak muli. baka ako ay masaktan lang kung hindi ako magiging maingat--o ang mas masama ay ang makasakit ako ulit.

refreshed

feeling a little bit under the painted sky tonight. must be because i keep on listening to michael buble and chris botti. next time i'm really going to change my playlist. but while i'm enjoying it while i drink my coffee, i'll stick to my jazzy tunes.

or maybe this is the effect of being infatuated over someone new.

did everything in photoshop, btw. in about 30 minutes. haha.

now, if i may, i should really go back to work. too bad i can't get paid to blog.

[edit]

if anyone can teach me how to make my own brushes in photoshop, ayun, please help me. tell me how. thanks thanks. *smiley*

crossroads

it's moments like these that make me thankful for the friends i have. i don't want to go into the blah-blah of the tale; i'm too bored to type that down.

11 pm, and we (meaning, I, ares, and myk) hailed a jeepney; they were to bring me home. before i got on, however, ares whispered to me to sit on the right side, someone was drunk inside the jeep.

how perceptive of him; i didn't see that. i sat down on the right, the drunk was opposite me. ares to my left, myk on my right. i felt like i had two bodyguards beside me: two huggable and soft bodyguards, haha.

i'm grateful i have friends who look after me. i haven't hung out with them in a while: i'm counting years. thanks, guys. (even though you ribbed me the whole trip home. hehe.)

i've missed them, and i haven't hung out with so many of my friends, most probably because i was too preoccupied with so many things. but still we're cool. :)

mowgli me

of all the days! i found out just this evening that my essay was published in the philippine daily inquirer. ha! i was laughing so hard, i don't know if i read my name straight. yep: my name was on the byline, no doubt about it, mariel kierulf asiddao.

hahaha. and the topic of this week's 2Bu? breakups. how ironic.

anyway, my article is not about breakups. far from it, actually. to save you the trouble of having to fish for your copy of the inquirer, haha, i'll post my essay here (with the edits they made on it).

hopefully no one will laugh at me after this. but anyway.

Jungle Girl

I WAS CALLED MOWGLI THEN.

I laugh now when I think of the nicknames I once earned. But I hated them. Especially Mowgli.

Mowgli was the kid from the animated film "The Jungle Book." His best friend was Baloo the bear and his protector was Bagheera the panther. He was raised by wolves and he lived in trees. He swung from vine to vine like an orangutan, and he wore only a red loincloth, just like any jungle boy.

My aunt gave me the nickname Mowgli. I hated it the most among all the nicknames I had. I wasn’t primitive like this boy. I wasn’t even a boy to begin with. She said I looked like him, because I was skinny, I was dark, and my short hair made me look like a boy. I was the opposite of chubby, cute, and chinky-eyed kids who got all the attention from adults.

When I was a kid, I was so thin that people joked I would prick them whenever my elbows or knees touch them. I'd sit on adults’ laps and they would put me down, saying, “your buttocks are too hard.” So in my picture with Santa Claus, I was sitting on the floor.

Because of my thinness, adults would ask my mom if I was sick or something. My aunt even told me that I was thin because I had worms inside my stomach. She said I needed to take Combantrin or some other pampurga.

I also loved playing outside. I loved beaches, swimming in the sea, and playing in the sand. It wasn’t long before I got really dark because of it. I was insecure of being, well, too brown that I felt I looked like burnt meat. I was Amazon-boy dark.

My best friend in elementary had porcelain-like skin and chinky eyes. Being the ugly big-nosed Mowgli girl that I was, I could not compare to her, and I was often jealous since she would be picked to play the best and cutest parts in school plays. She was the perfect Mary for a belen or a Christmas play. I forget how many times she played the angel, but I remember she had her own set of angel wings, one that she wore more than once. I didn’t get to wear angel wings in my childhood, not even once.

But I played Joseph, Jesus’ foster father--a male role. I usually got male roles because I had short hair, another feature that made me look uglier. My aunt insisted that my hair should be cut short, for less fuss, so you could only imagine how jealous I was of braids and pigtails.

When I was in Grade Four, I had very short hair that in pictures I was mistaken as my mother’s unknown son. In pictures her friends would ask, “Who is your little boy? I haven’t seen him before.”

Outgrowing Mowgli

So I truly had earned my nickname. I was skinny. I was dark. I looked like a boy. Because of that, I felt insecure and I didn’t participate too much in school activities. I felt that the pretty and popular kids had more talent and intelligence than I had, since I was just an Amazon-jungle kid.

When I entered a different school for my secondary education, the jokes didn’t cease, but it was then that I felt a little better about myself. I began outgrowing Mowgli when I had filled out my bust and my hips, but jokes had a new target. My classmates joked about my nose, which is a cross between kamatis and kalabasa.

I got through those jokes. My friends and I matured, and in time the jokes were just silly reminders of physical imperfections that could easily be overlooked.

I’m grateful to my mom who made me see the person in me that others didn’t. Mothers are gifts to daughters. My mom made me realize that I am so much more, even if I did try so hard to look pretty. I tried wearing trendy clothes and putting on make-up. But in the end, what defines me is not what I had on, but how I carried myself.

My mother taught me to think positive about life, about other people, about problems, and about myself. She told me that if I consider myself a loser, people will also think that way. If I feel good about myself, then other people will also feel good about me. Now, some people think I look good, and I have attracted my share of suitors.

Mowgli and I are friends now, and I have accepted him as a part of my childhood. I laugh as I think about it now--how silly it was that I thought I was too ugly that I had to hide my Amazon-boy looks.

I am thankful that I realized quite early that I had much more to offer the world. I am good at writing. I have a natural curiosity of a researcher. I am a responsible leader--one skill I've developed through years of experience as the eldest sibling in the family. I have the wits and the guts to make it in this world, however hard it will be on me, on my dark skin, and on my tomato nose.

There will always be jokes about me. My ex-boyfriend used to rib me that I was a Bumbay, because compared to him, I was coffee. My dad would joke that my nose expands when I laugh.

I join in these jokes and still laugh as hard as they do. That's because I have accepted myself. Jokes about how I look would never really faze me now, or the way I feel about myself.

As Maria sings in West Side Story, “I feel pretty!” And I like myself just the way I am.

hahaha. now that my little brother has read this, he has begun to call me Mowgli. haha. it's okay. he'll always be my mark kalabaw, or my mark ipis.

(essay posted here was written for dove's campaign for real beauty. click here for more details about the campaign.)

kilig moments

i came home from the fair gleeful of the events of the night, no matter how unfortunate my day was.

he's so nice, too nice in fact, to even be true. at first i thought he was just arrogant and wouldn't mind me at all, but i came to realize that he's just really shy at first. then we talked and talked and talked, and now he considers me a close friend. personal friend perhaps? too far shot to even think about it.

we didn't really get to go to the fair, we just simply passed through it because it was so crowded. haha. then we went out of the fair and just hung out in his car. yeah, we parked, but not in the way you guys think. i laughed, he laughed, we simply had a good time.

so here's news, he invited me to lunch on monday. i really don't know what to say. i'm so excited. i hope he would still enjoy my company as he did tonight. he said he did. i hoped he did.

i don't want to share this with anybody else, as it may decrease my kilig feeling, so i'm just writing it, hoping that my friends would rather not ask so i wouln't have to tell.

details will not be disclosed here, however. haha. he's so cute. he's smart, too. and from what i gather from our date together, he comes from a family background similar to mine. hopefully my dad and my mom like him. i introduced him already (hahaha) when he escorted me to our car.

i washed my face of the remaining makeup, but i just can't wipe my smile away with my towel.

i'm not expecting anything to come out of it, but it's not really too bad to hope, right?

sisfire of acads and deadlines?

the fair, the fair.

i'm dizzy and really drowsy, so can't post much. came home from the fair, and will probably not go to class later (at 7 am).

evidence of a feb fair night out. hehe.

more pics in my multiply site.

sigh. i need beauty sleep.

date with academics

and here it is, valentine's, and my date is with the books. exam tomorrow, make or break. so studying is the only night out. it's beyond words, so here are pictures.

hm. coffee, computer, commres120, and calculator. nice combination.

pretending to study.

pose break.

tomorrow, exam. tomorrow, febfair, at last. i feel so bad at not getting to watch 6 cycle mind last night at the febfair. to all fans of 6cyclemind, please support the band, vote for them as favorite band in the upcoming MYX Music Awards. i love their music. too bad they are upstaged by the papogi rock bands. hmph.

i went home early, in hopes that i could watch kamikazee on deal or no deal. i fell asleep. damn. if anybody can post videos, hehe... adik.

friday! well, i'll post about that later on. haha. i don't want to spoil my kilig.

happy valentine's day everyone.

betty botta bought a bit of bitter butter

i suppose every girlfriend ex-girlfriend goes through this phase. and the heck with kiddos who still send heartbreak messages even with the globe subscribers' boycott of unli texting. you guys are just wasting your load. i erased so many of those messages, until i regret doing that since i could have a very good use for them.

bitter message number one: It hurts to say goodbye to someone that (grammar check... someone whom, man) you almost gave your life to, knowing that life won't be the same without that person. But it's better to give up the feeling that than to know that you're the only one fighting.

(gaga, if you feel that the relationship is one-sided from the start, warning signs are blaring that he's not the one for you.)

bitter message number two: You go to bed early, only to find that you can't sleep at all. You reach out for chocolate for a happy fix, 5 empty wrappers later, you feel twice as miserable and thrice as fat. You go out and get as inhumanely drunk as possible, yet when sober up in the morning, hangover aside, reality seems too painfully clear. That's the messed up part about heartbreaks. We make excuses to blind ourselves, yet deep down in the gut, nix the perfect fronts--it just fucking hurts.

(and two years later he's still on your mind. get up and go out there. never mind that it hurts, but c'mon, being like that would make him think why he left you in the first place. get up, embrace your inner beauty. by the time he sees you again, his jaw will be eating his balls and he'll think how he's such a loser by dumping you.)

bitter message number three: the worst feeling is how much you love someone, how much he loves you back, how perfect you are together but for a million reasons, you can never be together.

(i have only one thing to say to this: tanga mo. kung hindi ukol, di talaga bubukol, kahit gaano mo pa pilitin ate. there's a saying that if there's a will, there's a way, so if he loves you, then he must make the right choices for you to be together. but don't be a homewrecker, please. we have enough dysfunctional families in the world right now.)

bitter message number four: you know, maybe cupid should shoot himself with his own damn arrow so he can feel how much love hurts!

(nangdamay ka pa. if you know your mythology, and the love story between cupid and psyche, you'd know that even cupid went through heartbreak when psyche didn't keep faith. ah, well, in the end they were together. love and soul intertwined in marriage--cupid being the god of love, and psyche whose name means soul. hahaha.)

i erased so many of these bitter messages because i thought they were mindless, but now i have good use for them. i'll be editing this post when i find a few more of that bitterness in us. waha.

hello world, i'm coming

what a day today. this morning in psych class, group three reported about multiple intelligence. nothing really exciting about that, but i was touched by what my classmate jaffy sang in class (his own composition, and he sings very well). can't really remember the exact lyrics, but it goes on something like this: nasaktan kita, pero yakap mo pa ri'y nadarama. ouch man. no, not me ouch, but him ouch. touche to you.

i feel wonderful today, as if something magical really happened the whole day. not to mention that i started my day wrong by waking up late and rushing to class to submit a paper but getting caught in traffic because of a small fire in the corner of a busy intersection. i feel the wonderful feeling of setting myself free, and letting myself be (yak corny). but truthfully, i feel happy today,

just came home from up batangan's musikapestival. i'm really hyper since i just got a taste of their very delicious kapeng barako, and can't sleep. that barako is how coffee should taste like! strong, rich in flavor, hot, but not too bitter. haha. i love coffee. i'll buy that batangas coffee so i can just pop it into my coffeemaker. it's going to be so good, since our house smells warm and cozy when we brew coffee.

i have news: i have a date next week for the UP feb fair. yay! won't disclose all details here, but if anything happens, i'll probably write about it later on. haha. he's cute, and i'm looking forward to the date next week. should i dress up (casually, of course), or simply go rugged? i'm not really sure what to wear. but times like these call for my best option: be the pretty me, of course! haha. hangin.

i'm hoping to post again soon. i'm keeping my fingers from typing any more excruciating words of the pains of heartbreak. i'm trying. at least. it's not really fair that he feels he's still the star of this blog. I am the star of this blog. one day i'll even wonder why i posted about him in this blog in the first place. three years down the drain, and i'm not complaining anymore. still trying, and praying, and keeping my fingers crossed from dialling. haha.

jig rocks

came home from jig yesterday at 3.30 am. whatta night. and to think myk, norries, ares, john, and every other bosconian i know still believes that the jay-mariel fans club is still rocking. that's so four years ago naman.

so anyway. kamikazee rocks! it was the first time i saw them on concert, and they're so fun to see live. no, won't buy their cd, i'd rather splurge my moolah on tix so i'd see them perform live always. they're funny, and according to their vocalist, kinky. it's the first time i actually enjoyed a band live. waha.

i like what jay contreras shouted out to all girls there: ayoko sa inyo mga sexy kayo. nananakit lang kayo.

hahaha. i hate sexy men too. mga bading kayo. nananakit kayo. (refer to my friend ilia's conclusion on her recent post in her blog here.)

seems like most of the men i crush on are gay. it would go like this:

mariel: (whispering) uy, tinan mo yun. cute.
female friend: san?
mariel: ayun ayun ayun. padaan. sa kaliwa mo.
female friend: nyeh, day, bading yan.
mariel: pano mo alam?
female friend: eh, nakikita mo yun? boyfriend nya yun.
mariel: anu ba yan. sayang.
female friend: what's new?

worse, these gays' boyfriends are also just as sexy. amp naman (thinking bubble popping out of nowhere. hm. papa piolo and sam milby...). why do they have to be in the same market? i don't want a fag for a bf, but i also do not want a horsefaced, beerbellied creature humping in bed. is that too much to ask? you gays are so selfish. hahaha.

i enjoyed kamikazee so much, i'll see them again in the UP fair next week. i'm hoping to blow a kiss to jay contreras for making me feel so powerful that i can hurt a man with just a wink in a his direction. hahahahaha. my head's going to blow up in bits for this.

thanks to ares for inviting me to the jig this year. it's so nice to go out and have fun after weeks of slaving my life to this computer. i'm tied to you, pc babe. ironically, i can hear britney's putrid i'm a slave 4 u. too bad i don't have a webcam when i do pole dancing. kidding. no, i don't pole dance, or i haven't found a man to pole dance to, since after finding out they're fags. ha!

and because my orgmate john liked this pic, i'll post it. hahaha. show the world your smile, girl.

kisses to 'kazee. you rocked.