it's you again

kinikilig ako.

and he's so not right for me.

isn't he?

we're so alright as friends, and most of the time i think that's just what we should be. but right now, i'm feeling something different. maybe a reawakening, perhaps something bigger this time?

but every time i feel something for him, i try to make it die out, since i treasure our friendship so much. yes, there is still such a thing as falling for a friend, and keeping it that way: a friendship.

i remember feeling this way for him before i fell for another. i didn't do anything about it. i let it die out. did it, really, just die out? or did i just hide it, and to come out at a time i least expect?

i remember talking about this before. a blog post dated may 25 of this year. i let those feelings die out. i didn't want to ruin us. i was afraid. i was so scared. i walked away, because i knew that if i had stayed on, something could have, um, happened.

he's so weird. so nice, too. we both click, and sometimes i hate it, because i can see another person who shares the same philosophies with me.

we click. i told him that. but sometimes, too, we don't. we don't jive in the same waves that we're on the extreme ends.

but i know he admires me, in a way. not to brag or anything, but my instincts tell me that he did feel something for me, but it was at a wrong time. he felt something, that much i knew, from how he acted towards me at that time.

damn. the very things that attract me to him are also the very things that repel me. can i just say ewness again?

i can't imagine the both of us together. we're like two childhood playmates, and nothing serious can come out of that.

sometimes i wish i could see something deeper in the both of us. but most of the time i wish i wouldn't. i wish i wouldn't, because by then i wouldn't have any reason to hope for the both of us to be together.

we've been friends for like a thousand years. to think how long we've known each other is like going jurassic--it's too far back. and that's what we remained: friends. we've been through each other's hopeless lovelives, hateful hell weeks, and insignificant problems. but most of the time, i think that i don't want to lose him to some petty girlish crush, because maybe best friends is just what we were meant to be.

and maybe i'm just going through this for the comfort of having him around, since i can get depressed on some days. soon i would have to wake up again.

i wish i didn't feel this. gawd, i thought this was just a high school crush. please make this just another high school crush. we make a good twosome, but not a couple. and i don't want to find out for myself if we can be what people think we can be. not now.

[and yet i'm excited at the thought that we'd hang out again this week, since we haven't seen each other in a while. wonder what part of hell that will take us? chaka talaga.

--

i love you for many things that you are, and i also hate those many things that make you you. sometimes i can't stand you. but sometimes i seek your presence in my life, because you bring me comfort at the times i need them most. but most of the time you just bring me good laughs and good memories. i hope they remain as that: good memories. i don't want to ruin us.

if i pull myself away from you again, like i did before, it's for the best. we're getting too close again, and one of us has to walk away. for now, at least.

maybe i do love you. but you're all wrong for me, just as i am all wrong for you.

and maybe while you're reading this, you're wondering, why only now.