"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."

written by Adrienne Cecile Rich

Monday, April 02, 2007

finding my composure

this march i only posted a few entries, not that i am on hiatus, but simply because nawalan ako ng gana. it happens, sometimes, but i guess there are moments when i can't force myself to write.

my friend commented to me that the battle of exes is simple: the one who has the best composure through it all (and is in a less emotional mess) is declared the winner. but why should there be a battle anyway?

i never really believed in the-ex-is-the-enemy point of view. i hate that. aeons ago, i had this grudge over an ex, and i can't sleep because of the knife in the gut that someone hates me as much as i hate him. i was guilty for so many months for not trying to at least be civil with him! ha.

i've been through a rough ride this past few months, and i'm worried that my wreck would be so humongous it could pull me down--like how the titanic was pulled into the atlantic. so huge. i don't want to be that. why are there no diagnoses made for these kinds of things, so i'd directly know the cure? oh well. placebo is usually the remedy for imagined illnesses.

i told myself i needed a catharsis. stress balls maybe? bobo dolls? or how about his neck for me to wring? hahaha. i'm talking nonsense now.

i need to forgive the past hurts. it's one of my dad's "teachings": forgive and forget. i'm trying to forgive, only, i also need to be forgiven. at least i know that many of the things i did could be forgotten and get over with, instead of me blaming myself all over again.

resolving differences is not a simple matter, since the question would be, so what now? why resolve anyway? i need my peace of mind, hell. i told my friend ares that i try not to be bitter, which is completely a very hard thing to do.

he told me that not resolving this within myself is like a pc with so many processes; babagal ang pag-andar 'pag hindi binawasan ang mga proseso. tumpak, i said.

i realized that what i miss most about him is because he was the one i turn to, but i can always find another person who can be that way for me. it's not necessarily him who makes me happy. it's the feeling that someone's there with me. it's the happy feeling of security and of satisfaction that someone will always be here for me. and when that security was taken away from me, saka ako nasaktan.

so it's not really just him. it's me trying to find my security with a person.

now, even if it took me months, i have the happy-floaty feeling of letting go. yes, i've moved on because i have no choice, but i've let go of the feelings that made me suffer through all this time.

and i only need one thing more to make this complete within me. forgiveness.

it's now the holy week. a time for cleansing.


  • At 4/03/2007 6:01 AM, Blogger Saint Michel mused…

    i don't think moving on "with out a choice" is still as free as life can get. lol. i mean. ewan. lets say im too idealistic pero i prefer moving on my own accord eventhough it might take time atleast i know when i let go; its all gone na ^^ dba heller!


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Saturn's precious star
the elder sister
a squirrel under the oak
never early
Venus' healing herb
la luna de la noche
a girl of wishes
pride inside
pretending to be smart
nicely tucked in
a lady not poised
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Location: San Juan, Philippines

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