"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."

written by Adrienne Cecile Rich

Saturday, July 14, 2007

it's happening again, and i'm not prepared

it hurts now that it's happening again, and i'm not sure if i can take it.

this time, i wasn't prepared. i wasn't ready to take on the ride. i'm not sure if i can take the hell out of me this time, because it's too much now. i don't know. i may be wrong, but i think i can go on a breakdown.

just last evening i fell to the floor, stupid me, because i couldn't stand on my two feet anymore. i can't stand. i lacked the energy. i can't stand, physically, emotionally, spiritually. i lost it.

i'm too overwhelmed at this time. i don't even know if this is my road to healing. this may even be my own trod to inferno, my barefoot walk down the avenue of my own broken fate.

yet, part of me still gleams at the sight of hope, that may be this is not the end of it all. that i would still find the light at the end of the tunnel, that my journey would lead to some place and someone and it will be my last. i hope that this would be my last. yes, i hope.

part of me wants to embrace all this suffering and make it heal, just as i tried to do before. i want to hold it in my arms, crush it with all the love i could muster, just so it would die away and never come back. i am ready to sacrifice, since it is all i have to offer. i had been always ready to sacrifice, if it must be the way to create a pure love for this life.

this is how i feel now. i know i'm not superwoman to try, but i want to. i don't know if it is enough. i don't even care. i jumped, and now i'm here. i wasn't ready, but i try to be.

it's not the time, mariel, now is not the time. but i fear that through it all i would not have anything more to hold onto, that what he has, who he is, and what he feels would fade away into something surreal.

i love with my heart, and not with my head. i thought this was the best way to do it. i could be wrong, but what else am i sure of? uncertainties lie in my future, that i know there will always be some things i could not control.

yet, last evening, the priest's sermon was to let God be in control, to have faith, to let Him work within. that there are things i could not and would never understand, but ultimately He knows what's best, and i must put my trust in Him.

i prayed, so much more than i had in the past months, because it is the only way to cope. i tried other things, and they failed. i pray, and i pray for the pain to end, for the Lord has already taken up the cross for me. i prayed for myself, and i offered what little i had left of me. i offered everything, my life, my hopes, my love for him, and i offered him, even if i knew i don't own him.

i pray that i be filled with a new spirit, undaunting of what may come.

can i take it, all this suffering, all at one moment? i try to think that i had been prepared for this, since i went through even more difficult times. i had been readied, like a soldier in training, ready to march into the battleground. yet, bullets are still bullets and wounds still bleed.

i don't know what else to do, so i write. i write and i will purge myself of all the things i cannot understand. tragedy does this to you. purges you of pity and of fear. purges you of grief, that it is only the tragedy that feels, but not the self.

i live day by day uncertain of the moments to come. i hurt as i walk, because my feet are blistered in the long tiring tread. but i still live, and i still love, because these are the only things i know i can do. i breathe, i love, i hope, and i walk.

i think too much. i hope too much.

but my biggest weakness and my greatest strength is that i love too much, too dearly, too strongly, too soon.


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Saturn's precious star
the elder sister
a squirrel under the oak
never early
Venus' healing herb
la luna de la noche
a girl of wishes
pride inside
pretending to be smart
nicely tucked in
a lady not poised
the talahiranya

Location: San Juan, Philippines

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