"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."

written by Adrienne Cecile Rich

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

finally, the closure i've been waiting for

in breakups, nobody really loses. both of you actually win (unless you're both stupid haha). instead of the both of you pulling yourselves downward because you're not really good together, it makes sense that you get out of that relationship and be the better individuals that you can be.

i realized so much about this. most of my posts have been about this relationship.

i thought we were perfect for each other. but through time i was killing him by not letting him be, and he was also pulling me down because i was affected by his negativity toward me. i'm not sure how it started, but it became a vicious cycle between us, and it started long before we had our first anniversary. i learned here that if we really loved each other, we have to let each other grow apart so we can't feed on the bad things.

okay, here's the dish. we talked. i appreciated talking to him. he was saying sorry for it all. i didn't want to go through it again. he cried, and i tried to put on a straight face, mostly for myself. it is now that i cry, but i'm thankful that it's over. i'm thankful that we called a truce. it's not everyday that you can say to an ex, "we're okay. i'm fine."

people may think i'm pathetic for talking to him, what with all he's done to me. but it healed me, somehow, to think that he doesn't hold anything against me. i have forgiven him, he has forgiven me.

not too many people are keen on the idea of calling a truce with an ex. but it's better than being angry at what had happened to us.

i'm genuinely happy for him. no, don't think me a fake. i feel happy for myself, too. the way i see it, i've rubbed off so much of myself on him that he became ready for someone else. haha. my ego credits myself for being that much of an influence on him.

and maybe he did, too, influence me on so many things that i can prepare myself for obstacles to come. and maybe it is he, too, who readies me for my next relationship.

am i the one talking? i thought these ideas were for the hopeless singles. i think i should be a relationship guru. hahaha.

i missed him, but mostly it was because i treasured his friendship the most. through time, we became friends. and i know i was worth something in his life for him to stay with me for that long (read: almost three years).

most people would think it a wasted investment. but i was happy then. i had fun.

i told him that i'll be okay. and when that time comes, he'll know.

thanks kel for the years. thanks for being proud of me.


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Saturn's precious star
the elder sister
a squirrel under the oak
never early
Venus' healing herb
la luna de la noche
a girl of wishes
pride inside
pretending to be smart
nicely tucked in
a lady not poised
the talahiranya

Location: San Juan, Philippines

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