"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."

written by Adrienne Cecile Rich

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

taking the path of faith

unlimited was a success. well, at least on my terms it was. just don't make me sing the national anthem ever again on stage in front of that many people. yes, i sing, but in the shower and in the confines of my room. i don't want to be trapped that way again.

whew. it could have been better, i know. but i did my best, and so did the people who took part in this. kudos to my committee members and to my orgmates.

i live a boring life, that much i realized when i talked to ares the other day. he told me to make kwento, and i realized i couldn't say anything that wasn't boring. haha. even the corny jokes i used to have are bland (yes, corny jokes are bland to begin with, but they make me laugh anyway. mababaw lang naman ako).

hm. this means i need a new hobby. or a new good book to read. not HP, not yet please. i need a good book by my bedside. or i could go back to sewing and stitching again.

we're about to do our learning projects for psych, and now is the time for me to reflect upon the kind of behavior i would like to change in me, the kind of habits i would like to break or create. i'm still thinking as to what i should do, but i have a couple of habits i know i'd like to break. and it's going to be hard, i'm sure. there will be those extinction bursts and spontaneous recoveries, but then, i'd like to get out of those habits.

hm. seems like every time i get out of my socio class i feel elated. i'm not sure why. it feels more and more like i could use the enlightenment from those discussions. i love the discussions, and i come to class not for the attendance, but for the simple feeling of learning something new. i hope most of my classes are like that...

i'm tired and weary... so many things are happening, so fast, and i need the time to breath. but it seems like everything is like a breeze for me. ever since i started going to church just to take a breather (i've been hearing mass and visiting the adoration chapel lately), i feel less sashayed. i feel less shanghaied by schoolwork. i feel that i could breath again.

it used to be that i took a smoke just for me to relax, but that didn't help me any. so i decided that maybe i needed something different. so i went to church, because i needed something new and i needed to listen to someone.

this isn't a testimonial for anybody. but it works for me. i don't know if it works for anybody else. it used to be that i got so guilty taking the time off to sleep or rest or watch tv when i'm tired. but now, i take about one hour and thirty minutes just in church, and i don't feel any guilt for taking precious time. this may be my catharsis, my healing, and i'm quite surprised that i took this road only now.

i've been so long seeking for a way to get the steam out of my system, and it only takes me sitting there, not doing anything at all. sometimes i don't even pray. i just sit, let it all come. and it helps me so much i couldn't understand it.

yes, faith has a way of getting to you.

was it st. francis who said it? take fifteen minutes of prayer time each day. but what if you are busy, he was asked. then you must pray more, thirty minutes each day.

i believe i haven't prayed more than the past couple of weeks. i must be so busy and so weary that i need the Lord.

p.s. i realized that meeting a certain person at this stage in my life, though it had hurt, was the gate to my healing. i had met the persons i sought, i had found what i needed to do, all because i met this person. i am now sure what it meant for me to meet him, and it was because he opened to me the paths i needed to take. he doesn't know it, though. but thanks. meeting him has been quite a blow to my head, i needed that. crossing each others' lives is one fortunate thing for me, and i'm grateful.


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Saturn's precious star
the elder sister
a squirrel under the oak
never early
Venus' healing herb
la luna de la noche
a girl of wishes
pride inside
pretending to be smart
nicely tucked in
a lady not poised
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