"dum spiro spero."

i love this phrase. hope keeps me alive even after all these has happened.

i'm breathing fresh air. yahoo! i need this break, this pseudo-vacation time. free from all stresses brought by acad work.

but just last night, as i was helping my friend rv with his thesis, i realized how much i missed all the brain-wrecking thinking. i had been so clogged up with our study on television news that i barely had time to think about anything else. save for our busy times with the PRSP competition, i would have burned myself to ashes if i had one semester thinking only about one topic.

i'm grateful for my other subjects, however difficult these may sometimes be. i'm aware that i would have to make the grade in these subjects, too, but mostly i take these subjects as my distractions from the heavier ones. i need the time to think about other things, too. and my brain power can get stretched a bit.

i'm so excited to go into thesis mode, simply because i'm so excited in learning about the topic (my thesis partner angel and i decided to tackle children's advertising). that's just how i am, i guess: i'm naturally curious. i write about what i learn, and i learn because i want to know. it's my motivation to get on with my academics... that deeply-situated desire to know.

yep, i know it's corny and all. but isn't that the basic idea of philosophy? the desire to know. too bad i have what can be harmful to this: ergophobia, or the fear of work.

while i breathe, i hope. this must be a new motto for me.

every new semester brings a new hope, a new freedom.

but oh yehehehessss. it's not a new semester yet! so party on!

[oh yes smack that!]

i admire him and his zealous efforts to make a change. i wish i could be like him.

i've read in yahoo news that al gore has recently been named, along with the IPCC, a co-winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

gore, along with his colleagues, have put in a tremendous effort in educating people about the issues of climate change as well as how to, if not stop it, then at least decrease its effects. his documentary sure made me think and rethink the ways i have been doing things.

i admire him for all he has done. i think (at least this is my point of view) that he may be the single person who has done so much in educating people about global warming, and the ways we can all counter it.

let's face it: the world is at a crisis today. no, it's not just about the wars, the human rights violations, the economies... if we all contribute to the destruction of the world we live in today, can we be able to have that future where we can, hm... continue bickering and warring? haha. no. we are all contributing to the demise of the earth, not just with our nuclear wars and such, but with our seemingly small but highly significantly destructive lifestyles.

the ways of counteracting climate change are also at times the ways of reducing wastes and carbon emissions.

while i go for climate change, yes, supporting this campaign should not leave behind other environmental issues, such as saving our rainforests and natural habitats (which btw is a very old issue), or managing solid wastes and e-wastes.

contrary to what many environmentalists say, it can be difficult to live out these ways since these are our habits and we have been accustomed to living like this. it would take a paradigm and lifestyle change in people. we have to be educated first.

but it can be done. it is possible.

mostly, people are not aware that small things such as reducing consumption, conserving water and energy, and saving on fuel can go a very long way in helping our environment. we don't need to be superheroes: we just need a few nudges and correct our ways of living.

i highly encourage everyone to take a stand and make a change. it would do us all well, too. whatever good you do, it comes right back to you (wait, that sounds like a song). click on here for information on global warming.

oh, and by the way... recycle and dispose properly your old cell phones, cell phone batteries, and chargers! these are dangerous and toxic e-wastes that contain high amounts of lead, mercury, and cadmium, and are classified along with other electronic gadgets such as computers. when disposed with other solid wastes, the toxic chemicals could seep in the soil or in waters and contaminate them. so recycle them through disposing them properly. greenhills (in the cellphone stalls section) has large bins where you can dispose old and broken phones, chargers, and batteries. it would be best too, if you can suggest in your communities to separately collect e-wastes and dispose them in proper landfills (yes, landfills for e-wastes should be different from our average solid wastes).

"sabi nga ni rizal, ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan. pero ang mga guro ang pag-asa ng kabataan."

as it is said by a teacher from balara, when we interviewed her on world teachers' day.

the plight of public school teachers amazes me to no end. it is no secret that the lack of the quality of education in this country reeks. but the teachers still stick it out.

their salaries are far from what one would call adequate for daily living. their sacrifices are many, yet they have not been compensated enough.

picture this scenario: an average of 60 pupils per class, all unruly, in a room that lacks desks and chairs. one would need visual aids to stimulate kids to listen, but the only resource given is a measly 300-peso chalk allowance for the year. to check the students' performance, one would have to give quizzes, exams, and homeworks. imagine checking 60 papers. or counting 60 children on a field trip. or having 60 children talking all at the same time during recess. or making 60 children understand the basics of reading, writing, and arithmetic. and having only about 4 thousand pesos as net income every month, even after 25 years of service in the profession.

it amazes me how much they sacrifice. but we only remember them when they serve during the elections. they are grilled at the decline of the quality of education, an issue brought up at the start of every school year, but are they the only ones to blame?

every year we read stories that tell of the dilapidated education system: lack of resources, lack of manpower and skills, corrupt upper officials, meager education budget... but is it just these things?

a large percentage of filipino parents count on teachers to educate their children, to give their children the dream of better lives. this teacher that we interviewed stated that education is the key to the success of this country. but where is success when education does not succeed?

it is not merely these long-standing issues that undermine the state of education today. rather, it is the neglect of priorities and the lack of value for those that matter most.

it seems to me that this government, no, this country, does not give esteem to the people behind the curtains: the teachers. we have doctors, nurses, engineers, lawyers, OFWs abroad, and they have been taught and inspired by teachers.

just compensation is what they call for, yet we deem it too much for what they do. they live in poverty and under debts, and it is shameless that their lives are such, while the people whom they have taught live in comfort.

we leave it up to them to teach the leaders of tomorrow, but if the educational system falls apart, one easy way out is to blame them for their lack of skills.

to value our teachers, the soldiers at the frontlines, is to value the hope that the children have for an education.

when i will lie on my deathbed, will i regret that i haven't dared to be a physicist?

i'm nearing the crossroads on my life again, just like it once was years ago. i have regretted so many things, but i'm here, so i must have done at least one thing right to be still on my feet.

i haven't dared to be so much, and when i do, i end up making mistakes. i ended up making a very big mistake by daring to take that chance, months ago.

would i still be on my feet if i had taken physics as my major?

yes, i stink in math. well, not really as bad, but i still stink, compared to whizzes who comprehend that [borrowing from a module in english] interminable world of numbers.

i stink at so many things. yet it still inspires me to carry on.

i am nearing crossroads in my life. i wish to go back and change so much of myself.

it's only one year to go for me. i am still thinking of veering away from the career path that i have majored. my heart is calling for a change, to walk a different path (nope, it's not physics).

i would love to find out what i could have been had i done things differently. but i'm here now.

hm. so much musings. smooth jazz music does this to me: makes me ponder.

on a different note... i would love for someone to sing me that i'm the reason why... it keeps ringing in my head. amazing how songs can mold my thoughts.

my path will lead to bridges, to crossroads, and i must make a choice.

the pearl boy dating experience

hoo. i'm loving this post. got it from The Man Blog. sharing this, hehe.

(the original article is here.)

---

The Pearl Boy Dating Experience

Being a young 20-something in the modern working world makes you realize that it’s about time you start acting “normal”. Part of acting “normal” means abandoning your messianic mission to save emotional retards from their own self-destruction. So when a the first “normal” guy starts showing interest in you, the love-is-blind cliche suddenly holds an important truth. Despite your best friend’s warnings, you chase after him like a lovesick teenager, convinced that he has the emotional maturity and the mental capacity to handle you and understand you completely. Because he’s so normal. Apparently, “love” also makes you stupid because you just let yourself in love with a Pearl Boy!

A “pearl boy” is the most straight-arrow, conventional guy you can ever come across. They are uncomplicated creatures who enjoy manly activities like going to the gym, watching basketball (or other sports), going clubbing, taking pictures of themselves (to post in their Friendster), collecting girls (to put in their Friendster), taking pictures of themselves with lots of girls (to post in their Friendster), flirting with girls, dating girls, talking to girls, etc. You want to date a Pearl Boy because of your desire to conform to society’s image of what a girl your age ought to be like. And every girl wants to snag a Pearl Boy because they make great Trophy Boyfriends. Dating a Pearl Boy—> you are awesome—> you are conventional—> you are normal. Yeah you don’t get the logic either.

Well, looks like you lucked out this time because holy god, you met one with a brain! You actually listen to the same bands and share the same philosophical beliefs! And he can make you laugh! Sort of. It wasn’t very funny when he snickered at you for using a film camera instead of throwing away your money at a D-SLR. Come to think of it, you didn’t laugh when he called you a dork after trying to explain to him why Dungeons and Dragons is teh awesomez0rz, either. He actually made you feel a little ashamed about being a chick pseudo-geek. But that’s okay! You’re in love! And if you can make a few minor adjustments to your personality, he’ll be in love with you in no time too!

When people see you walk arm-in-arm with him in fancy places like Greenbelt and Serendra, they’d probably think that the smile on your face is the result of the serotonin rush. What they don’t know is that you’re smiling because being seen with him in public is a MAJOR ego boost. You are dating a guy who is constantly surrounded by girls that look like they should be snorting cocaine in the restroom when they’re not at fashion magazine photo shoots. To be seen with a guy like him is affirmation that you are pretty by convention. That makes you feel damn good about yourself.

You don’t know exactly what he sees in you because you know for a fact that you’re not his type. You are not a Pearl Girl, the female equivalent of the Pearl Boy. So you ask him, and he says he likes you because you’re different from the girls he usually goes for. You take that as your cue to tone down the impression management and start showing him what you’re really like when you aren’t dancing in the club. (Yes. You actually go clubbing now!) Over coffee, you try to bring up your existential crises, and he cuts you off by saying that you’re being too heavy. When depressed, you call him up thinking that he could give you some reassurance. At times like this, all you really need is someone to tell you that the world is not the sack of shit you think it is. What you get instead is a condescending lecture. He doesn’t understand why you’re so sad when everything in your life is peachy. You attempt to explain that depression is something that happens to you periodically but that it’s nothing to worry about. He tells you it’s abnormal to be sad over nothing. But it doesn’t stop there! He adds that you’re old enough to have control over your emotions, that you’re acting like a high school kid for being so negative, and that you are an insult to people with “real problems”.

Once he sees what you’re like when you’re not Miss Fun Time, he realizes that you’re not what he wants because you’re just too weird, or too emotional, too you. Despite your moments of emotional instability, however, he still insists on getting to know you more. To him, you’re a museum curiosity because he’s at least smart enough to recognize that you’re quite unusual. Unfortunately, fascination and curiosity can only take someone so far. You know that in the end, you’re never going to be enough for him. Beauty and substance is what he thinks he wants, but what he’s really after is a girl in a short skirt, impossibly tall heels, and a lollipop in between her lips. That is so not who you are.

When all is said and done, you ask yourself, what did I see in him in the first place? Why did I try so damn hard to change the very core of who I am just to make him like me? The answer is simple: pride. You’ve already spent so much money on an entire pearl girl wardrobe to wear on your dates with him. You’ve already had too many conversations where you analyzed every date because you don’t understand why he hasn’t fallen for you yet. That “I’m so in love with you” feeling you once had for him no longer exists, but you still don’t want to stop seeing him. You think that with a little more work, you’ll finally get the returns of your emotional investments (e.g. a declaration of love, roses in a vase, maybe even a compliment on how good you look tonight).

This is when your friends come in to tell you that you’re being an idiot. Why spend time with someone who makes you feel like a class A freak? Why chase after someone who is incapable of appreciating you? Why limit yourself to this one guy when there are others who are interested in you? To the last question, you reply with a, “LULZ the other guys who are interested in me must be invisible because I DUN SEE THEM!” The answers to the first two, you figured out just now.

Despite the horrible emotional roller coaster you went through, you don’t regret dating the Pearl Boy one bit. He’s not a bad person, really; both of you just think on entirely different wavelengths. Besides, you’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons from the experience, the most important one being: if you’re trying waaay too hard, don’t bother.

Screw being normal. You’re happy just the way you are. And my God, you’re way too awesome to deserve any less than a guy who will worship you for being your fun, crazy self, with occasional moments of existential angst.

-----

[and mariel says: hahahaha. yeah. screw being normal. and pearl boys.]

"sanctum satanum meum, abyssus dies"

hm, not really. i've experienced hell days far worse than these.

after going through super juan 65, i firmly believe i can go through anything now. haha.

i'm currently on shut down mode. my laptop and PC is continually switched on for days and nights, and they're getting sick. my laptop turned itself off just now, and i'm banging my head on the desk because i lost some of those files. oh my sanctum satanum.

i've been driven out of my wits the past week. and chain smoking is not healthy, by the way. i'm cutting down on everything from now on.

my groupmate jesca told us a common situation that i think many comm res students can relate to, "grabe na ngayon, nag-aalarm ako para matulog, hindi para magising."

it's you again

kinikilig ako.

and he's so not right for me.

isn't he?

we're so alright as friends, and most of the time i think that's just what we should be. but right now, i'm feeling something different. maybe a reawakening, perhaps something bigger this time?

but every time i feel something for him, i try to make it die out, since i treasure our friendship so much. yes, there is still such a thing as falling for a friend, and keeping it that way: a friendship.

i remember feeling this way for him before i fell for another. i didn't do anything about it. i let it die out. did it, really, just die out? or did i just hide it, and to come out at a time i least expect?

i remember talking about this before. a blog post dated may 25 of this year. i let those feelings die out. i didn't want to ruin us. i was afraid. i was so scared. i walked away, because i knew that if i had stayed on, something could have, um, happened.

he's so weird. so nice, too. we both click, and sometimes i hate it, because i can see another person who shares the same philosophies with me.

we click. i told him that. but sometimes, too, we don't. we don't jive in the same waves that we're on the extreme ends.

but i know he admires me, in a way. not to brag or anything, but my instincts tell me that he did feel something for me, but it was at a wrong time. he felt something, that much i knew, from how he acted towards me at that time.

damn. the very things that attract me to him are also the very things that repel me. can i just say ewness again?

i can't imagine the both of us together. we're like two childhood playmates, and nothing serious can come out of that.

sometimes i wish i could see something deeper in the both of us. but most of the time i wish i wouldn't. i wish i wouldn't, because by then i wouldn't have any reason to hope for the both of us to be together.

we've been friends for like a thousand years. to think how long we've known each other is like going jurassic--it's too far back. and that's what we remained: friends. we've been through each other's hopeless lovelives, hateful hell weeks, and insignificant problems. but most of the time, i think that i don't want to lose him to some petty girlish crush, because maybe best friends is just what we were meant to be.

and maybe i'm just going through this for the comfort of having him around, since i can get depressed on some days. soon i would have to wake up again.

i wish i didn't feel this. gawd, i thought this was just a high school crush. please make this just another high school crush. we make a good twosome, but not a couple. and i don't want to find out for myself if we can be what people think we can be. not now.

[and yet i'm excited at the thought that we'd hang out again this week, since we haven't seen each other in a while. wonder what part of hell that will take us? chaka talaga.

--

i love you for many things that you are, and i also hate those many things that make you you. sometimes i can't stand you. but sometimes i seek your presence in my life, because you bring me comfort at the times i need them most. but most of the time you just bring me good laughs and good memories. i hope they remain as that: good memories. i don't want to ruin us.

if i pull myself away from you again, like i did before, it's for the best. we're getting too close again, and one of us has to walk away. for now, at least.

maybe i do love you. but you're all wrong for me, just as i am all wrong for you.

and maybe while you're reading this, you're wondering, why only now.

it just feels so good

birthday gifts got a whole lot better.

i felt blessed as i celebrated the coming of another year. so many things that happen, so many friends who care, plus plus my family who supports me all the way. i feel content knowing i have what i have. we won, and though it wasn't the top prize, our efforts were recognized. it is still a reason to celebrate.

God just never fails to amaze me.

congratulations, Luntiang Yaman team. Alamin, Gawin, Pagyamanin!

[one day i should post the best gifts i received on my all birthdays.]

no one dies a virgin?

a quote from nirvana's frontman kurt cobain is recently circling in text messages, shoutouts, and status messages (of which i'm surprised since he's been dead for more than a decade).

it goes: "no one dies a virgin. life fucks us all."

haha. although it provides much insight into our lives, i like to think differently.

i won't die a virgin, and neither will life. i fuck life. hahaha.

i want to think i'm in control of life, i'm on top of my life. another double meaning: i'm on top! haha. (anyway, what's the point of being the bottom? not much excitement. double meaning na naman haha.) i screw my own life, and if i get fucked up doing it... at least i got what i wanted.

life won't screw me.

lock me up with life in a cramped dark room and i'll make the most out of our time together. and i'll make sure life enjoys the ride too.

life won't get out a virgin after i'm done. that's what i'm sure of.

PRSP Grand Prix Finalist!

i'm so excited! finals on sept. 9!

i'm happy that we made it this far, that our hard work paid off. it's enough for me to get to the finals, it's already a big deal for me, to be able to present our campaign in front of those judges and the other schools on sept. 9.

and it's sooo near my birthday. haha. what a nice birthday gift... finals! woohoo.

but that would mean sept 8 (my birthday) is prep time for 9, and i won't have enough time to celebrate since quantitative paper deadline is on sept 10.

i wish i can breath now. if only i can. everything's happening so fast.

i'm feeling better everyday, and getting less depressed (but frustrations still mount up sometimes).

my friend norries gave me the best piece of advice i've heard in a very long time: i have to learn forgiveness. forgive others who have hurt me, forgive myself for my shortcomings. there's no use in getting angry at so many people (including me) and at so many things.

i get depressed mostly because i let my frustrations get the best of me. i let my anger reside in my heart that peace can't settle in. that's my problem. i had to forgive, and to forget, past hurts.

he told me to ask the Lord to learn forgiveness. i had always asked for peace and for healing, but while i get less numb every day, i still need peace within. i had to put in action what i am asking for.

everyday i feel more and more blessed. so many times i have counted what i lost that i didn't count what i already have and will still get in the future. i am blessed, and what i don't have won't make me less of a person.

i may be less blessed or more blessed than other people, but that doesn't really matter. so many people care for me that it fills me up with happiness. i have so much to give and to share with people, that it doesn't matter how much i lost in the process. i have much more to gain than what i have lost anyway. and it's always good to be reminded that i have Someone who ultimately cares for me and loves me unconditionally, not matter how many mistakes i made.

it feels so good to be happy, simply because i'm living this life. i may be tired and weary of doing what i must do, but it's always for a purpose.

soldiers are always readied before battles. battles are won before wars. and wars need the best generals. i have the best General there is.