what happens when sex is the center of my acad life
i'm embarking on a new direction of a current study, and navigating through known theories. i'm still setting landmarks, but now i can say it can be done.
i wish it was direction for this life, but then it would too much to ask. i am currently at the tipping point, but still not haggardly so.
i feel elated in some way, now that at least i've found a direction for this damned research. a systems approach. can't it get more mathematical than this? applying this has not been more exciting than i thought it would. damn. i'm finding this exciting. i need a new hobby, fast.
yes, i'm in lust for knowledge. the sensual feeling of each new discovery. the heat of each new step until the end, of wanting more than what can be given. the passion of kissing theories with theories, methods with methods. the pleasurable touch into the supposed reality, the feeling of wanting and needing the warm embrace of the each new learning. the wanton goodness of information flow into the midsection of study. the orgasmic climax of reaching the results, of interpreting what has been learned.
and at four in the morning the hangover is still passionate.
ohmigod i'm research-horny.
i really need a new hobby, a new distraction. i may have enveloped myself into this work that i may not pull away from it. i do not want this to be my only life-long raison detre, as i know there are more humanly possible ways of fulfilling my purpose. a carnal desire for knowledge and research may not be healthy in the long term, unless i'm in it for the dough.
my goodness, what heat. i need to break free from this. it's just a job. (and what kind of job, mariel?)
it may be my reaction to failed relationships and bad breakups, so they say. but still. wouldn't it be more fulfilling if i direct all this physical energy to a real-live human?
haha. at least i know in this kind of relationship, i'm in charge, i'm accepted for who i am, i can be healthily carnivorous, i set the rules. hopefully i can also reap the benefits, which i am not quite sure what. but, cybernetically, this is a negentropy. i need the feedback information (mayghad i'm still on systems terms).
i'm trapped in a sexually academic relationship i can't get out of until i graduate. the pleasure keeps me wanting, but drains me of every energy i need to fulfill other duties. hopefully it churns out something better in me.
metaphorically speaking, i may be an ergomaniac, if such term exists. an ergophile who rapes work and enjoys its every scream for more. a green devil out to hunt victims in dark corridors.