"I am an instrument in the shape
of a WOMAN trying to translate pulsations
into images
for the relief of the body
and the reconstruction of the mind."


Planetarium
written by Adrienne Cecile Rich




Wednesday, August 15, 2007

regulating my self-efficacy

i want to quit. i want to quit school, studying, doing all that junk that they call work. it makes me feel less the me that i want to be: my expectations from myself and the standards i set for me.

yet, it's not that. i'm in a system that would invariably spell out failure for my future when i flunk out of the role i'm given. it's not so much the hatred, the ergophobia, but the depression and the frustrations of wanting to do so much yet only doing what i can within my limits.

this system has set its standards way above what i can reach. should i follow these standards? or should i set my own?

i remember a quote taught in my socio class one day:

"a grade can only be regarded only as an inadequate report of an inaccurate judgment by a biased and variable judge of the extent to which a student has attained an undefined level of mastery of an unknown proportion of an indefinite amount of material."

so much for my wanting to attain standards set by this system, this school, and these professors.

in the end, it's still how i achieved my expectations and goals that matter. yes, expectations are high in this competitive system, but my success is only measurable with how i competed with my best self: if i had been better than the last.

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1 Comments:

  • At 8/16/2007 11:32 PM, Blogger Politics mused…

    Interesting thinking. What you are really musing about is the outcome of the education and the person you will be in the end. There is a book that you should read that will reinforce where you are going - "Happier" by Tal Ben-Shahar. He talks about the "ultimate currency" which it seems you have a grasp on already.

     

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