regulating my self-efficacy
yet, it's not that. i'm in a system that would invariably spell out failure for my future when i flunk out of the role i'm given. it's not so much the hatred, the ergophobia, but the depression and the frustrations of wanting to do so much yet only doing what i can within my limits.
this system has set its standards way above what i can reach. should i follow these standards? or should i set my own?
i remember a quote taught in my socio class one day:
"a grade can only be regarded only as an inadequate report of an inaccurate judgment by a biased and variable judge of the extent to which a student has attained an undefined level of mastery of an unknown proportion of an indefinite amount of material."
so much for my wanting to attain standards set by this system, this school, and these professors.
in the end, it's still how i achieved my expectations and goals that matter. yes, expectations are high in this competitive system, but my success is only measurable with how i competed with my best self: if i had been better than the last.